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8/17/07 U.S. Pledges at least ten more dollars to Peru earthquake victims. (AP Wire)

8/14/07 Karl Rove to take new post as U.S. ambassador to Hell. (AP Wire)

7/21/07 Georgia Supreme Court hears details in teenager sex case. Loves it. (Reuters)

7/21/07 U.S. diplomat tells senior Chinese official to "suckit". (Reuters)

7/9/07 Judge tells dreadlocked Conrad Black to eat a jelly bean! (Yahoo)

5/30/07 Auteur scientist claims to have Loch Ness video (Yahoo)

5/25/07 Bobblehead doll forces evacuation of 300 in Washington (Yahoo)

5/21/07 Rome zoo breeds several rare Egyptian tourists. (Yahoo)

5/17/07 Scientists puzzled by birds drawn to contaminated lake. In related news, New York City's population increases by thirty percent. (Yahoo)

5/15/07 Study: Tomatoes offer no protection against prostate cancer. Well fuck 'em! (Yahoo)

5/4/07 Gas emissions cap a hot number at climate conference. (Yahoo)

5/3/07 NATO seeks ways to cut civilian toll in Afghanistan. Yeah, it's called "stop shooting them." (Yahoo)

4/23/07 U.S. will 'respect' Iraq wishes to halt Baghdad wall. And then go ahead and built it anyway. (Reuters)

4/17/07 Private donations to me top $110 (Reuters)

4/16/07 Many U.S. parents admit to bribing their children (Yahoo)

4/9/07 Capsule carrying U.S. billionaire docks at space station (Yahoo)

4/9/07 Snow forces Indians to play games in Milwaukee (Yahoo)

4/06/07 Moisture to blame for peanut-butter salmonella contamination (Yahoo)

4/5/07 Pope says rich nations 'plundered' Third World. Well DUUUUH...! (Yahoo)

4/3/07 Snails conserve energy by re-using mucus trails. Now THAT is awesome. (Yahoo)

3/1/07 Pollen can make it difficult for police to lift fingerprints (Yahoo)

2/28/07 Boredom leads many high school students to mull dropping out. (Yahoo)

2/17/07 North Dakotans try to break snow angel record. (Yahoo)

1/29/07 S.F. Chronicle airs reader complaints as podcasts. You know what? I don't even fucking care what a podcast is. So suck it. (Yahoo)

1/29/07 Miami planning celebration at Orange Bowl when Castro dies. OMFG!!! (Yahoo)

1/28/07 Egypt derides seven wonders of the world contest. (Yahoo)

1/28/07 Gates says Internet will revolutionize TV in five years. And if not, he'll just take over the world instead. (Yahoo)

1/25/07 Area deep in brain may control urge to smoke. DUH!!!! (Yahoo)

1/20/07 Mexico signs deal to curb soaring tortilla prices (Yahoo)

1/12/07 Mike Tyson indicted on drug possession charges. (Yahoo)

1/09/07 Is the iPhone very cool, or extreme overkill? Okay, does anyone actually need me to answer this? Cause I will. (Yahoo)

1/07/07 Ford, Microsoft unveil voice-activated technology for cars. But I don't want to talk to my car? (Yahoo)

1/07/07 Democrats vow intense scrutiny of Bush Iraq plan...Before they rubber stamp it. (Yahoo)

12/1/06 Experts reconstruct da Vinci's left index fingerprint. (Yahoo)

11/27/06 Giant prehistoric fish had stronger bite than sharks. DUH!!! (Yahoo)

2/22/06 Wal-Mart says it will improve health benefits. Someday. (Yahoo)

12/1/05 University cancels class on creationism. Thank God. (Yahoo)

11/14/05 'Intersex' fish found off California coast. (Yahoo)

11/11/05 Schwarzenegger drops nurse-staffing fight. Will settle for grabbing a few asses instead. (Yahoo)

11/3/05 Aged BALCO steroid supplier indicted. (AP Wire)

11/1/05 Jessica Simpson saw therapist over rumors. Wait, I don't even understand this? (Yahoo)

10/13/05 Bono dissociates himself from fundraising. (Yahoo)

10/7/05 Celebrity rumor denials often mask truth. (Yahoo)

7/23/05 Scientists say more of the right whales are dying. (Yahoo)

7/19/05 Germany remembers Hitler coup plotters. There you go, Germany! (Yahoo)

7/16/05 Microchip saves rare Cambodian turtle. (Yahoo)

7/16/05 Specter says Roberts will get fair hearings. And then be voted down. (Yahoo)

6/5/05 U.S. warns Luxembourg to get its shit together. (Yahoo)

5/6/05 Dozens in U.S. get sick of small pets. (Yahoo)

3/17/05 Tarantino says won't direct 'Friday the 13th'. I mean, come on, he has standards—and that was the one. (Yahoo)

3/16/05 Zimbabwe sees wisps of democracy. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand they're gone. (Reuters)

2/24/05 Paris Hilton speaks out on cell phone hacking. I already heard it. (Yahoo)

2/24/05 Putin firm despite Bush's worries (Yahoo)

2/10/05 U.S. warns that N. Korea faces isolation. Um... (Yahoo)

2/7/05 Media accused of stalking Anna Kournikova. (Yahoo)

1/20/05 Bush seeks end to tyranny. Will step down next week. (Yahoo)

Johnny Rico reporting for duty, sir! 1/17/05 Panel endorses Rico to be secretary of state.(Yahoo)

1/17/05 Drinking water aboard airliners worsens. Um... (Yahoo)

1/5/05 Massive space explosion creates bubbles. (Yahoo)

12/26/04 Montreal coping with loss of Expos franchise. Okay, they're done. (Yahoo)

12/11/04 Duke's Krzyzewski one victory away from 700. Says he's not on the juice? (Yahoo)

8/17/04 CBS announces ‘Survivor: Vanuatu’ cast. Then explains where the hell Vanuatu is. (Yahoo)

8/17/04 Najaf fighting continues amid peace ambush. (Reuters)

7/26/04 Courtney Love sentenced to death. (Yahoo)

7/23/04 House rolls back media ownership rules. What the hell does that mean?(Yahoo)

7/12/04 Filipino official says HE DOESN'T LIKE SPAM. (Yahoo)
7/10/04 McDonald's sued over its french fries. (Yahoo)

7/10/04 Some pelicans mistaking asphalt for lakes. (Yahoo)

6/3/04 Boy faints at spelling bee, then pegs word. (Yahoo)

5/19/04 Giuliani: N.Y. never wanted to be attacked. (Reuters)

5/14/04 Shock of war hits home for something like twenty countries. (Yahoo)

5/13/04 CIA says Grinch stole Christmas. "It's a slam dunk." (AP Wire)

11/19/03 Iraqis say Saddam not leading attacks. We told them it was cool—Bush isn't running things here either. (Reuters)

11/14/03 Rumsfeld: Iraq guerrillas a deadly threat. Sigourney Weaver immediately to replace Condaleeza Rice as head of Iraqi reconstruction thing. (Reuters)

7/18/03 French ministry bans the term 'e-mail' (Yahoo)

7/17/03 Record number of WTC designs submitted. As opposed to what? The number submitted in 1997? (Yahoo)

4/30/03 U.S video kills Libya's radio star. (Reuters)

4/20/03 Saddam son-in-law will surrender to Susan Sarandon. (Reuters)

4/8/03 U.S. declares air supremacy over Iraq. Will also provide new evidence that earth is round and fire is hot. (Yahoo)

4/2/04 Metallic sound heard by space crew. (Yahoo)

3/12/03 Texas Supreme Court delays 300th execution so Bush can attend celebration. (Yahoo)

3/3/03 Magazine: Jackson put 'curse' on Spielberg. Why not George Lucas? (Yahoo)

2/2/03 Punxatawny Phil arrested. (Yahoo)

1/30/03 Shoe bomber sentenced to life on Nike assembly line. (Yahoo)

12/19/02 Soccer shootouts may trigger heart attacks. (Yahoo)

12/19/02 Study: Playboy centerfolds less curvaceous. (Yahoo)

11/28/02 U.S. denies everything. (Yahoo)

11/22/02 Mexico City hires Rudy Giuliani for $4.3M (Twilight Zone)

10/24/02 Bush says Germany no longer germaine. (Yahoo)

10/23/02 Sniper offers to turn himself in in exchange for immunity.(Yahoo)

10/22/02 Police create weird poster. Officials: it's really weird. (Yahoo)

10/19/02 Modern Library of Alexandria opens in Egypt. Inspires rant. (Yahoo)

10/16/02 IRS may use debt collectors for back taxes. This is going to be cool. (Yahoo)

9/30/02 Report: Ozone hole shrinks, splits in two, then goes out for beer. (Yahoo)

9/19/02 Tropical Storm Isidore heads heads for Cuba. Will have to connect in Mexico. (Yahoo)

9/14/02 Bush urges UN to 'show some backbone'. UN will show some leg first. (Yahoo)

9/12/02 Judge refuses to decide Miss America case. Thank you God. (Yahoo)

9/4/02 Man with 16 guns in car seized in D.C. Will be sent to Alabama in exchange for truckload of activists. (Yahoo)

9/1/02 Alleged Serena Williams stalker arrested. The only thing you want to know: white or black?

7/31/02 Study: Dogs may be smarter than previously thought. Caribou downgraded slightly, rock crabs higher by 4% and octopus off by a nickel. (Yahoo)

7/29/02 United Pilot whales beach themselves on Cape Cod. Will be taken to sea world for breathalizer.(Yahoo)

7/19/02 Two rescue crews search for each other in unusual rescue mission. (Yahoo)

7/11/02 Handyman in Utah case charged with theft. Okay, did I miss something? (Yahoo)

7/11/02 Bush to start Schilling in Homeland Defense opener. (Yahoo)

7/10/02 House passes bill to arm airline pilots. House is a bunch of fucking morons. (Yahoo)

6/19/02 Billy Joel enters rehab facility, comes up empty. Will try 7th avenue in the sixties. (Yahoo)
6/13/02 CDC: West Nile virus to spread west. (CDC-hoo)

6/13/02 Report: Corruption 'rampant' in most nations. (Yahoo)

5/16/02 Eleven tiny Jupiter moons discovered. (Yahoo)

5/3/02 New 'crustless' bread aimed at kids. Government activates security level yellow.

4/30/02 Oil firms say they don't control prices. Britney Spears says she doesn't control twelve year old boys. And God says bad things definitely not His fault. (Yahoo)

4/19/02 Abercrombie signs Andersen to shred remaining Asian caricature shirts. (Yahoo)

4/16/02 U.S. denies ties to Venezuela coup, also denies ties to next week's coup in Argentina. (Yahoo)

4/14/02 Emerson Fittipaldi changes name. Changes it back later. (Yahoo)

3/16/02 EU summit turns violent. (Yahoo)

3/15/02 Man tosses grenade at U.S. (Yahoo)

3/15/02 Twinkie and Ding Dong to 'take it out back' and 'settle this once and for all.' (Creamy Filling Hoo)

3/13/02 Magazine locates 'Afghan Girl'. (Yahoo)

3/13/02 Bush: U.S. nukes are deterrent. (Yahoo)

3/13/02 INS grants visa approval to two dead Sept. 11 hijack suspects. Will send Bin Laden the chicken salad sandwich he ordered next week. (David Lynch-hoo)

3/12/02 Darryl Strawberry back in jail. To save trouble, just re-read this in about two months. (Yahoo)

3/12/02 U.S. unveils color-coded alerts. Rainbow accuses government of 'stealing our colors.' (Yahoo)

3/10/02 Four-year old sees meaning in art deco style. (Yahoo)

3/02/02 U.S. bombs Afghan mountains. God says he can make more. (Yahoo)

3/01/02 Columbia launches from Florida. In related news, Yahoo employees cautioned for smoking out on job. (Yahoo)

3/01/02 New government study: sex therapy not cheap. (Yahoo)

2/27/02 U.S. wants bin Laden family DNA. No we don't. (Yahoo)

2/14/02 Bush unveils plan to accelerate global warming, dubbed ‘2010 by 2010.’ (Yahoo)

12/28/01 U.S. says China can have its damn pandas back. (Yahoo)

12/28/01 Giuliani delivers farewell speech. Then he actually leaves. (Yahoo)

12/20/01 Argentine president quits. I quit too. (Yahoo quits too)

12/9/01 Whiskey prices soar in Kandajar. (Yahoo)

12/05/01 Ancient scientists discover erotic fish. (Yahoo)

11/14/01 Ancient erotic frescoes unveiled. Covered back up immediately. (Yahoo)

11/13/01 Taliban say they have taken aid workers to Kandahar. Next stop, Euro Disney. (Yahoo)

11/12/01 Bush to grant China three wishes. (Yahoo)

11/10/01 FBI: Same person likely wrote anthrax letters. In a related story, 'duh.' (Duhoo)

11/9/01 Girl charged for slapping Prince Charles with flower. On second thought, maybe America's not so bad. (Yahoo)

11/3/01 Bush urges calm on anthrax. Will meet with mosquitos next week. (Who)

10/28/01 Iraqi prime minister calls claims they are producing anthrax ridiculous. 'Shit, we had that ten years ago.' (Fabricated)

10/25/01 Anthrax sent to Daschle was Pure. (Yahoo)

10/12/01 Prime minister of Luxembourg denounces terrorism. (CNN Breaking News)

9/30/01 Nike admits Woods doesn't use balls he endorses. Two people are shocked. (CBS Sports Lie)

9/22/01 Bush says economy 'strong' as U.S. readies for war. Wait, is that true? (Yahoo)

9/8/01 Columbia extradites alleged drug lord Ochoa to U.S. In return, Columbia will get Jennifer Lopez for one year. (Yahoo)

6/19/01 Scientists solve neutrino puzzle. Will now begin work on Jon Benet case. (Yahoo)

6/2/01 Comatose Nepal prince named king after massacring royal family. In related news, Jenna Bush attemps to purchase handgun using fake I.D. (Yem-hoo)

5/28/01 Peru Prime Minister calls Brazilian vice president fat. (Yahoo)

5/22/01 Government study: infants should be allowed to just be themselves. (BooHoo)

5/8/01 Bush creates terrorism office. First target: Beijing. (Yahoo)

4/23/01 Bush decides against high-tech arms sale to Taiwan. Will sell to Peru instead. (Yahoo)

4/24/01 Peru says it won't went by the book on U.S. plane tragedy. (Yahoo)

4/21/01 Peru downs U.S. missionary plane, two killed. (Yahoo)

4/21/01 Chechen rebels seize hotel in downtown Istanbul. Now that's some old school terrorism. (AP Wired)

4/19/01 NASA unveils prototype of world's fastest plane. Airlines urge calm, say it will not interrupt delays. (Newark Time)

4/16/01 Fired NTV journalists to work at different Russian network. Yeah right, the Goolag Gazette. (Yahoosky)

3/27/01 US Military to be phased out by 2004. Will be replaced by The Three Stooges. (L.A. Times)

3/26/01 Two U.S. F-15s reported missing over Scotland. US military contemplates 'just packing it in'. (Yahoo)

3/23/01 Russia expels 50 U.S. diplomats. U.S. to counter by expelling all people whose names begin with the letter Y. (Yahoosky)

Picture destroyed by George Bush. Picture destroyed by Taliban. 3/20/01 Bush vows to destroy environment before Taliban can do it. (Yahoo)

3/6/01 'Naked Wife' computer virus hits users worldwide. [click here for latest version] (Yahoo)

2/26/01 "Operation Smart Fuel" sees British pilots hover directly over Iraqi radar sites and leak fuel on them. Pentagon not amused by what's being hailed as the greatest military practical joke ever. (Reuters)

Jivaro 1/17/01 Head shrinker calls Kennedy's a dream head. (Yahoo)

12/20/00 Pinochet indictment thrown out. Picked up by small fishing boat in South Atlantic. (Yahoo)

12/15/00 Source of Amazon River pinpointed. Republicans ready bill to destroy it. (Yahoo)

11/2/00 Women seek FDA approval of anti-androgen therapy to treat high sex drive in men (MDConsult)

11/1/00 ACOG urges caution in using androgen therapy to treat low sex drive in women (MDConsult)

11/3/00 Giant deep-sea creature amazes Spanish scientists. Tastes incredible! (Reuters)

10/21/00 Study: 85% of women with pierced navels want it. (Science)

10/15/00 Is someone stalking Britney Spears? Is this a serious question? (

9/28/00 RU-486? We are.

9/8/00 U.N. summit ends with resolution to solve world problems. (Yawnhoo)

9/3/00 Astronomers spot mysterious star. (Yahoo)

9/2/00 FBI able to identify Wen Ho Lee using artist's rendition.

9/1/00 Scientist Wen Ho Lee reportedly singled out for race. (Yahoo)

8/30/00 Clinton declares Montana disaster area. Montana calls Arkansas cheap slut. (Yahoo)

8/2/00 Gerald Ford's condition upgraded. (Yahoo)

7/19/00 Russel Crowe declares himself God. (Yahoo)

6/23/00   NASA: “Oh wait, no, that was just a reflection off the Mars Lander wreckage. Our bad!” (

6/22/00   NASA reports on evidence of Martian water. (Yahoo)

6/4/00   Marine archaeologists find lost city. Can you say “IMAX?” (Yahoo)

6/1/00   68 kids eliminated in spelling bee. Al Gore quick to blame NRA. (NRA Times)

5/29/00   World completely surprised when small nation experiences unfair elections. (Village Voice)

5/15/00   Saccharin dropped from cancer list. Will be replaced with Italian pop singer Zucchero (Yahoo.UK)

4/26/00   U.S. government to create life-sized replica of Cuba. (Daily Croissant)

7/27/99   The Latest JFK Wreckage Analysis (CNN Experts)

7/17/99   Government Study Shows Average Size of Toilet Seats Declining (Reuters)

6/1/99     U.K. Accuses China of Stealing Top Secret Recipe For Tubby Toast. (Tubby Times)

4/19/99    NATO Vows Never To Stop Vowing (CNN Poll)

Most annoying ever:
  • CNN (or FOX)(or MSNBC) cutting people off in mid-sentence to go to some idiotic segment full of sound and byte and signifying nothing.

  • White House ex-press secretary Joe Lockhart saying "atcept" rather than "accept."

  • All ex-White House press secretaries.

  • When a really obnoxious term gets incorporated into the vocabulary of the day, just because one high profile wanker starts using it. For example, when Samuel Berger said Milosevic was going to "hunker down." God, I had to listen to that stupid term over and over and over. The latest one is that awful, the "U.S. side" this, the "U.S. side" that some god damn Chinese translator thought up. And now all the international journalists are saying it. And they want US to apologize. I also find the new term 'Office of Homeland Protection' somewhat repugnant. It sounds too much like the term 'fatherland' from the Nazi era. But wait, I guess since we're now in that era again, per Bush, why not? Anyway, the term carries a sort of 'us against them' ring to it, which probably just reminds everyone why they want to blow us up in the first place. I don't want to blow us up. Let me be clear about that. I want to live. I just would like a more gender neutral term for Homeland Defense. I suggest 'Office of Domestic Security' or something else equally mundane. We don't need our juices flowing. Office of Homeland Sausage.

    Also extremely annoying is when people say Saddam Hussain is evil because he would use biological weapons on his own people. So then it would be okay if he had used them on other people?

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