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Just then, the young intellectual with romantic tendencies reveals a short stiletto pointing earnestly at the liver of the Ives apologist. The Ives apologist’s eyes double in size, and he is half way down the street all in one frame. Thus, it’s impossible to say with one hundred percent accuracy, which of the two events did actually occur first. A spokesman for Amherst College, Scott McLelland, has denied that stilettos are handed out to all incoming English majors, and swears that anyone who demonstrates more than an average interest in the hand-to-hand combat arts is required to undergo counseling.