Downloading music illegally is so wrong. It's so wrong anyone who does it should be taken out and horse whipped. Then I should be horse whipped. And then Timmy Taggert should be horse whipped–for not being horse whipped enough.
We need a word
For the generalized anxiety produced by the sudden realization that there’s probably about twenty-five people somewhere out there who’ve completely not emailed you back and may never.
A New Television Series
Whenever I’ve seen a lot of advertisements leading up to some new television series, I really feel like I should watch it. Even though I know it’s going to be stupid.
Squishing Your Head
People are always saying things like I’ll squish your head like a melon and crush you like a grape. But I have to say I’ve been around a few years, and I’ve never actually squished anyone’s head.
Not Just Now Thank You
John always tried to be polite. Whenever someone offered him something, even if he wasn’t interested, he would always say, “Not just now, but perhaps a bit later, thank you.” So on the way to prom, when Trisha Roberts expressed some interest of her own in the back of the limousine, “Not just now, but I think I will have some later.”
My Girlfriend Used to Watch Alias
I was flipping channels one night and Alias came on. It reminded me of this girlfriend I had who used to watch it religiously. I wanted to email her. Then I watched some more. Then I didn't want to email her anymore.
Remember the science teacher with the funny eyebrow hairs that would just go whichever way they wanted. Like mad. I used to think how could you let you eyebrows do that? How could you not notice that? Not do something? Anything. Now I’ve reached the age of ___. I’ve noticed one or two stray eyebrow hairs. Eh.
Getting A College Girl
I want a college girl. You know, the kind with all the baggage. I want a ‘live’ one.
Don’t apologize for anything, ever.
Between the Desire and the Spasm
Whenever someone gets excited about you in some internet situation—wants to send you something—say yes—say yes right away. Do divulge your personal information. Take the risk. Because two weeks from now, they'll be sending it to someone else.
The Third Key
Is it just me or is there always a third key on your key chain that you have no idea what it’s for?
People are like stocks. Just wait long enough, and they’ll come back up.
We need a word
For feeling sorry for a piece of ice as it melts in a really hot drink.
Brother Find Your Brother
One day I was standing in front of a vending machine about to make a selection when I noticed I had three pennies in my pocket. Of course, who needs three pennies? So I reached up and placed them on the top of the machine without another thought. I made my purchase and was about to walk away. But for some reason I decided to look up on top of the machine. I saw six pennies there.
If you’re ever attacked by a shark. And then someone says, “Hey, you have to get back out there. If you never go back out there, then the shark wins.” Don’t listen to them. If you go back out there, and the shark eats you. The shark definitely wins.
Remember that time in 'Super Mario' when your friend would always find that little square by jumping up in the middle of nowhere, and you always wondered how the hell they ever discovered it. At that age, you both resented them and envied them at the same time, only you didn't know how to put things into words like resent or envy.
It's like those Native Indian stories
They just don’t make any sense. They start out making sense. You’re wandering around at night, like in between teepees, chasing after the white coyote, you know, because it has the secret and everything. Makes sense. But by the end, you’re like on some cloud, trapped in a marriage to some evil he-god, and the only way to get out is to—wait, you can’t even get out. That’s the thing. But then your child grows up and is later seen holding a snake in one hand and a bag of corn Tostitos in another. And that’s pretty much when I decided drugs were bad.
Your New Shoes
When are your new shoes not your new shoes anymore?
People always ask me who I would pick to be stuck with on a desert island. Most people say something like their wife or girlfriend—Halle Berry. But I wouldn’t want someone I cared about to be trapped on a desert island. No, I would pick someone I really hated. And then make their life a living hell.
Drawers and Pens
It's always good to have lots of drawers around, because drawers may have pens in them. Pens are good. Not having to get up to get a pen is good.
How do arm hairs know when to stop growing? And can we give some of that to George Lucas?
Anybody can be famous. Just put them in a bagel with salmon and cream cheese. Oh wait, I meant delicious. Anybody can be delicious.
The other day I noticed another guy's pants were wrinkled. I think I'm turning into a girl. It wouldn't have been so bad, but you see, the thing is-they weren't that wrinkled.
The People On The Plane
Ever notice how the people getting off the plane are never the same ones you saw getting on? Me neither.
New Cheerleader Group
And I will work to build a special cheer leading squad that sings a cheer called “Respect Life.” And then I will take them all out for drinks afterwards. And why the hell not? After all, I created them, didn’t I?
Before I do anything like go out to eat or go to a party, I always check to make sure there aren't any awards shows on T.V.
Brilliant is when a guy looks at a dog and says, 'say something…anything.' I think that was in a Schiller's Reel from the old SNL's. I just saw a part in Chungking Express, where the guy looks at a stuffed animal and says, 'say something' and then just waits. Two continents. A lot of water. Same thing. Brilliant. That is brilliant.
Birds are free not because they can flit and fly around without a care, but because they can take a shit anywhere, any time, no questions asked.
There are two kinds of people in the world, my friend. Those who are leaving little bits of toothpaste in the sink. And those who are trying to make them feel bad about it.
My idea of women's fashion is a long, dark coat with jeans and sneakers, and sun glasses, but only if it's sunny out.
What's so bad about being passive-aggressive anyway? I mean, what are the alternatives? Passive? Aggressive?
To be truly thirsty and then to quench it. That's what living is all about. That's what sweating is all about. The best is when you become dehydrated without realizing it, and then you find yourself taking huge volumes of fluid. Even the juice lover can reach a state of choosing pure, cold water over all else.
I was thinking about how great it was that Southern Italians are all so nice and friendly, and then I thought, "hell, why shouldn't they be?"
The Pleasure of Eating
I used to eat things and all I would think about was the pleasure of eating. Now I think mostly of the pleasure, but also I try to make sure I don't get hurt-cut, scraped, burned, punctured, bitten, down the wrong pipe. I must admit the fear of doing any of these things has somehow grown vastly out of proportion.
Old Habits Never Die, They Just Try To Negotiate
I used to have this silly habit—whenever in a public place—of planning how I would escape, if it were to become—necessary. I could be sitting at a table in the back patio of some quiet little bistro when I would imagine some knife wielding maniac bursting onto the scene and picture myself jumping over the fence to safety. In my daydream, getting over the fence was always just a formality. Today I found myself doing this for the first time in many years. But this time, when the maniac arrived, instead of jumping over the fence, I caught myself rather casually scanning for an opening through which I might pass without too much effort.
How Times Have Changed
It seems like just yesterday Graham Chapman, as King Arthur in Monty Python's Quest for the Holy Grail was sarcastically asking the black knight, "What are you going to do? Bleed on me?" Well, maybe.
Guys and Girls in Coffee Shops
I was watching two people in a coffee shop. Ever spy on two people who've struck up a conversation while sitting next to each other in a coffee shop? They'll have a little exchange and then go back to their work, operating at 75, 50, 40, 20, minus 20 percent efficiency. Then they'll have another brief exchange then turn back inward. Notice how whenever one of them returns from a trip to the bathroom, a flurry of conversation ensues. Why is this? Elementary. It's because the separation gave the guy a chance to come up with something he hopes will be clever (the girl a chance to get something done). It's sad, but not as sad as what I do.
Never trust a musician who isn't sweating.
Contemporary art means the artist gets another chance to explain what he was trying to say.
The World II
I want to make my dent in the world. Note: Technically, this is more of a 'wish' than a 'thought'
One of the greatest names of all time ever has to be Kellen Winslow, all-pro wide receiver from the San Diego Chargers. That is a great name.
New Challenger: Plexico Veras
Whenever I see people talking to police officers in public places, I always think it's because a part of them craves to be dominated. Either that or police officers are more fun to talk to than I thought.
Mexicans Are Cooler Than White People
I don't think I'm going to cause any great controversy when I say that Mexicans are cooler than white people. It's pretty simple.
Whenever I can't make up my mind, I just walk away and say that I'll come back to it later.
Every time I click ‘print’ and hear that little clunking noise, like it worked, like it’s going to print, I can’t help but feel as though a small miracle has just occurred. I mean, all these years, and I still get just as excited as if it were the first time.
Whenever someone sends you a long-ass email, and you think, "gee, that's really literary, but it's a shame they've spent so much time writing this long email, because I really don't care, and someone who may have will never read it." Well, did you ever think they could be keeping a journal of these emails? People do weirder stuff you know. And someday you may see those emails in a book and it won't be your book and the joke will be all over you.
Don't worry about flagging too many messages. You can always unflag them later.
Ever notice how kids with siblings that are a lot older tend to be way ahead of the curve in terms of what's cool, and, more importantly, what's not? They listened to good music while the rest of us twelve year olds were listening to utter crap. They knew what a kolache at age seven. At sixteen, they knew about these great places to eat in town, places that only twenty years later do you Vasco da Gama as if they were new. You're a dork. Perhaps they were too ahead for their own good. Perhaps they felt alone, being so far ahead. I wonder.