Western theatre is an inherently troubled art form because the execution detracts from rather than contributes to the overall meaning of the work. That’s right. I did just say that.
First, you have all these men wearing this awful makeup, which makes them barely distinguishable from the women, which isn’t saying much for either. No, I’m just kidding. I can tell them apart. Because I’m an expert. But the fact is these things have nothing to do with the story, and yet here we are talking about them. When Jack Nicholson makes a point of not shaving for his role in The Shining or Robert DeNiro gets fat for the second part of Raging Bull, it’s because that’s the point of the story—not so you can see him better from across the set.
- is uncomfortable in situations in which he or she is not the center of attention
- displays rapidly shifting and shallow expression of emotions
Next, especially in the odious case of Broadway, we have people shouting sweet nothings at each other. That every word and gesture must be given in this affected way, which calls attention to itself, just like the constant scampering on and off stage. Rather than making us forget it’s all fake, we’re constantly reminded of it. F is for Funkadelic. This makes it harder to care deeply about the story itself. It’s like taking a professional basketball game and—oh, I don’t know—putting red lipstick on all the players and having them run around with pigeon feathers sticking out of their shorts. It’s the same game, only now it’s quite silly. Makes me want to throw a cup at someone. Theatre is like a sporting event with a script, that you can’t watch on T.V., and no one wins.
- shows self-dramatization, theatricality, and exaggerated expression of emotion
Then there is the bad dialogue—again, Broadway—like those parts where they talk really fast, over-enunciating their consonants and just rattling off a lot of words, often rhyming, badly. It’s like what if Eminem took himself seriously. It’s supposed to be impressive, but it’s not. It probably requires less skill than you think—and frankly, I don’t care how much skill it requires. If I spent 60 hours a week training to balance a tomato on my nose, I would still be a moron.
- interaction with others is often characterized by inappropriate sexually seductive or provocative behavior
- consistently uses physical appearance to draw attention to self
- considers relationships to be more intimate than they actually are
And theatre is not always bad because of bad stories. Aristophanes, Sophocles, Euripides, Bertolt Brecht. Beckett, Sartre, Chekhov. Shakespeare? Great writers all. But this is literature? And it can just as easily fall victim to any modern theatre troupe.
Don’t get me wrong. I have nothing against the stage. But it’s just that we’re missing something today. Look, if suddenly we ran out of cobalt blue, I’d be saying the same about painting. But (thank god) we haven’t.
And finally, one word—Nathan Lane.