Oh, I’m bad at it alright. Don’t you worry about that. It’s just that at some point it occurred to me that my writing is really just an attempt to make written humor out of a standup routine. It was pretty much when someone said, “Hey, your writing is all just a standup routine.” So one day, I got the regrettable idea I should try to do some standup. You know, embarrass the hell of myself and make everyone around me very uncomfortable. This is basically what I’d be doing anyway, only now it would be official.

So I took a piece I had written (under the impression that what I was doing was writing) and tried to transform it back into standup. I read through it out loud a few times. Some people might call this practice, but I call it honing my God-given comedic talent. Then I recorded myself on a little dictaphone so I could be my test audience. And as I played it back it occurred to me what being a comedian is all about. It’s not about how humorous you are (unless you actually are humorous, like if you’re Woody Allen or something). And it’s not all in the timing, although that is important. Mostly it’s about how you relate to the audience, how you make them feel, and are they drinking a lot? When I heard myself on that tape, the only thing I felt was sick. Even listening alone it was embarassing. As for my piece, well, let me put it this way...

• Original Standup Routine

Kevin James from work says, "What are you doing?"

My former friend Paul Boerner says, "Dear George Thoroughgood, I want one bourbon, one Scotch and one beer. Then I want you to shut up."