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Pietro Goncalves,
Editor-in-Chief
pietro@coldbacon.com |
Pietro, a
New York native and who has been to New York several times, was actually raised in Zacatecas. Try that for cred, bitch. Before coming to Cold Bacon, he was a senior editor at Gear, where he drank. I mean, a lot. He left when the magazine began to question these and other 'behavioral patterns'. Good. He is a contributor to Arena and Black Book, but who cares about that. Is he good in bed? Well fortunately, for a lot of women, the answer is yes. Of course he is good in bed. That's because he does it all the time. What time is it where you are right now? Hell he's probably already done it three, maybe four times today. Think about it.
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Saint And,
Deputy Editor
saintand@coldbacon.com |
Saint And, Our dangling participly named Texan, comes to Cold Bacon after time served in Sing Sing, San Quentin, and the Carolina Correctional Facility for Women. From there Talk, Contents and a book-scouting firm that left her an expert on non-traumatic stress disorder. Her writing has appeared in Elle, Time Out New York and Teen People. But more importantly, does she have indiscriminate sex all over town? Of course she does. How do you think she got hired? Saint And's favorite drink is whatever is in front of her, and behind her, or to the side—basically any and all drinks in the room—are not safe. I don't know how she has time to contribute so much to our magazine, since she spends most of her time either knocked up, laid out or just dead.
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Jizake,
Associate Editor
jizake@coldbacon.com |
Do you see that Associate Editor? Yeah? Well that means 'kicks fucking ass' is what that means. Jizake will kick your ass. And stomp your face. And if you cry out for help, oh, well, you just better not cry out. Is all I'm saying. Jizake edits the Children's Corner and writes the weekly column 'You WILL Be A Better Parent.' She is also a professional scanner. That's right. One false move, and your head—gone. She'll explode it faster than I can type this shit. And believe me, I can type pretty fucking fast. Oh, but if you're thinking you shouldn't get mixed up with this crazy bitch. Think again. The risks are high, that's for damn sure, but the payoff? Are you kidding? You have NEVER, and I mean NEVER had something so good as making love to this one-woman army. She also volunteers at Children Count, a local charity organization for wayward youths.
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Christy Anity,
Director of Interactive Media
christyanity@coldbacon.com |
Christy has written for The New York Times, The Jerusalem Report, the Forward and The New York Sun. His book, Schtooping It Through the Alps, will be available from Balanitis Press in March 2005. From 1998-2000, Anity edited New Voices, a kick-ass national magazine for Jewish college students. Before that he spent nine seasons as a back-up center for the Houston Rockets, averaging 8 points and 6 boards a game. God damn, are we funny? Anyway, the guy can fuck. And does. He tried to fuck ME one time in the staff locker room during a holiday staff locker room party. He almost would have too, if he hadn't been distracted by some juicy intern passing by. I hit him on the head with a manuscript (we have lots just lying around) and then jumped over a sandwich bar to get away. Good times. Good times. He also says he wrote this, but I seriously doubt it.
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Mockingbirdbat,
Design and Lay_out Editor
mockingbirdbat@coldbacon.com |
Mockingbirdbat came to Cold Bacon from the photography department of The New Yorker. That's right. The mother fucking New Yorker. Huh! She has also worked at the Whitney Museum and P.S.1, which I don't even know what that is. New Fucking Yorker baby. Her writing and photography have appeared in The New York Times, The Washington Post, and this little thing, oh, you may have heard of, called The New Fucking Yorker. She plays competitive bridge and recently earned her first masterpoints??? She also makes designer handbags (freak???) Oh, and she drinks, and smokes, and yes, fucks. Almost religiously, all three, often at the same time. In fact, she even told me she would totally fuck the first five people to email her at this account. No questions asked. No hidden fees or catch. Just you, her, and maybe one or twenty of our other staff members, and some of their friends. And you have to sign some waivers. That's all. But hey. Come on? She's fucking hot. Look at her. Look at those lips. Oh, and dude. NEW FUCKING YORKER!
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Inguen,
Editorial Assistant
inguen@coldbacon.com |
Inguen grew up in Newton, Massachusetts where she inspired many a sexual rumor, some true, others also true. At Wesleyan University she judged an erotic fiction contest. Okay, wait, that's not what we heard. We heard it was more like she WAS an erotic fiction contest. And EVERYONE was automatically entered to win. She also wrote for the Wesleyan Argus, which I've never heard of, using the pen name Rock My Casbah. She hasn't done a lot since, because she's such a sex-hound, but occasionally she stops for long enough to do some kick-ass Aqua Teen fanart. Although god knows why. Whenever I question her about it, she just says "Well it's better than stalking Mike Lazzo, isn't it?" I have no idea and completely deny whatever she's talking about. She lives in Brooklyn, which means if you live in Brooklyn, you probably fucked her!
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CSE,
Editorial Assistant
cse@coldbacon.com |
CSE
fucked Strom Thurmond. I kid you not. Can you believe it? When we heard that, we hired her right there on the spot. Just leave that resume on the plan-ation baby, cause yer coming with us! CSE is just an all-American bile-spewing tell-it-like-your-mamma-told-it-to-you kind a gal, and I for one, would do her myself, if I hadn't already, about fifty or sixty times.
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