Humor Writing Explained

• Humor writing is putting down a lot of words on paper and then erasing most of them.
  
• Always put your best jokes first and last, and in the middle.
  
• Spend as little time as possible setting it up, and just get to the so-called funny parts. If that doesn't work, give up.
  
• Complete tangents are fine, unless they're not funny, and then you suck.
  
• Every author is allowed to mention Quetzalcoatl one time.
• Always remove the word or suffix 'nation.'

  Before: 'these fragments i have shored against my ruination.' After: 'these fragments i have shored against my rui.'

More New Articles Coming Soon

But What If My Name’s Not Charlize?
No, You're Fresh
Hey Get Back On My Table

Nouveau
Elegantly styled and beautifully colored the Nouveau adds a touch of class to any bedroom. Ripples and beads add decoration and stimulation. A departure from the male-defined dildo for those who want a different look and feel.

Poems Banned in Austria

• As I Walked Out One Evening, Nude
• Stopping By Woods on a Snowy Evening, Nude

my new joke idea is a sign on a restaurant telling just a little bit more.

No Dogs. We Don't Want Them.
No Swimming. Trust Me.
Do Not—Er—Please, Touch The Wire

A female examines the giant squid curator of the Tasmanian Museum. <sup>1

1</sup> Photograph courtesy of the Tasmanian Museum and Art Gallery

Do you like the way I spell pretentious?
Does it turn you on?

He's working on a Chicano version of Steven King's latest novel.

people don't much care for disorder

Well all right...

A lot of the content is really good, but the site needs some major cleaning up. It's a little hard to navigate. But hey, that's just my two cents.

Fassbent <sup>1

1</sup> Drawing of Rainer Werner Fassbinder leaning over.

What's Cool Domestic

• Washing a bit of food off your hands without touching sink knobs with dirty fingers. How clean they are now, you, and your nobs.
• Walking barefoot on cold, clean tile floors.
• Listening to music with headphones and holding them against your ears like you're in a recording studio. I'm using those little yellow walkman headphones, and I swear I look and feel like Mariah Carey.

What's Cool - what will always be cool

• Giving someone a 'smack down' will always be cool.
• 'The drink' will always be cool. Falling, jumping, or even just going into it will always be cool.

What's Funny - what will always be funny

• porcupines will always be funny.
• toasters will always be funny.

The role of McMurphy was originally offered to James Caan, Marlon Brando, Gene Hackman and Burt Reynolds. All turned it down. And that is exactly why Jach Nicholson is better then those jerk jobs.

The Local Cafe

Act One - Scene One

The setting is a local cafe in Winter. A couple is sitting at a table, which is two tables joined together. The cafe is crowded. A modern lady about thirty-seven and her partner approach the two people sitting.

Lady About Thirty-Seven: 'Hey, could we separate the table and use this part?'
Man: 'No, but you can sit here with us.'
Lady About Thirty-Seven faints. She is fanned by her knealing partner.

Cartoon One

From Email to illustrator/friend:

can you imagine how when bush loses -- how pissed off his cabinet members will all be -- they like won't leave their offices -- can you see it now -- condy rice clinging to her desk and refusing to leave -- two men pulling her from the office with her feet jamming herself stuck in the door

this could be afunny premature political cartoon. there would be no no caption or maybe some caption -- but just have condy rice fighting being pulled out of her office by having say both her legs spread open across the doorway...we could even draw her legs in kind of a slutty way so it would be capturing that undercurrent of resentment of her on the part of all americans for not being a woman but being a power-craving robot...

let me now

Cartoon Two

what if the drinks didn't need us to drink them? what if a gin-and-tonic, say, could be chatting up a dry martini without human interference? couldn't that be a cute cartoon? sort of like, what might go on when we're not looking—what might explain the sudden drop in the level of fullness of those bottles in your liquor cabinet—like, the drinks deserve some kind of reward too?—after all these years of working for us—shouldn't they get something?

Sketch - airline stewardesses/doctors

"at delta, we've taken customer care to a new level…now all our flight attendents are also fully trained medical doctors as well - picture of flight attendents getting medical degrees (while in flight attendent uniforms) - maybe doing something else to - maybe a table of surgeons performing surgery and one flight attendent in uniform (with face mask and gloves) also performing the surgery (maybe asked - can you hand me that solution - and she does it saying - would like to keep the can (or something else similar which shows her flight attendent nature))

old lady "stewardness - I've been having these pains right here for about 2 weeks…" -

cut to voice over guy while stewardess is talking with lady scenes of flight attendents listening to people's hearts, checking reflexes -

passing the beverage cart - but it's loaded with medications - shot of looking at bottle and giving medicine to customer - shot of checking syringe to inject - maybe with element of turbulence as well - haha

handing out the dinners - and then saying to someone - that they really shouldn't be eating that - maybe even grabbing the desert away from someone

people at end of flight filing off saying goodbye - maybe someone has a new cast on their arm - they sort of raise it up and smile thanking the hostess

Big Old Jet Airliner

An airline chair just keeps going back all the way into your lap. The person starts massaging the head of the person seated in front of them.

The Alliance Needs YOU

[dramatic voice] The alliance needs you!
[change inflection as if addressing someone else] But not you! Or you. You. Not you. Yes. Yes. No. You would make a good pinyata.