Whenever I see a trailer for a movie like Freddy vs. Jason or now I suppose it’s Predator vs. Alien, I can’t help but wonder, just who is it that makes these films? I know why these films are made. But what I want to know is what kind of self-respecting director would do this? They must know what they’re doing, right?

Maybe the best answer is to sort of think of them as scabs—these are the people who come in and lube your plane when the regular lubers don’t show up. These are people who, unlike, say, a Ridley Scott or a Clive Barker or even a Peter Jackson, just couldn’t get their shit together and make a movie that’s based on an actual science fiction novel. But one thing’s for sure. They do know how to make CGI, because everyone does, and they need—work? So they make these carpet bagging, second-rate, bullshit sciencefiction films. They grab our attention by showing pictures of our favorite monsters in a trailer—with sound. It’s like, not fair. How can we resist? But of course, the film has no more basis for existence than Spiderman vs. Citizen Kane or Indiana Jones vs. Gumby. Okay, maybe a little more. But still. The plot has more holes than George Lucas’ black soul, and the acting isn’t even worthy of parody. Okay, it is. But that’s not important. In fact, none of this matters because, basically, the people who are going to pay to see this movie either won’t know the difference (twelve) or won’t care (fourteen) or both (the rest of us).

The people who unquestioningly accept these movies are generally the same ones who are going to be making them in ten years. They have a craving for science fiction that cannot be filled and don’t have the patience to wait for something better to come along—which is roughly six minutes. As to the question of whether these filmmakers know what they’re making is garbage—whether they actually believe the made-up press releases—or whether it being on a kid’s cereal box actually implies anything in particular—about anything—or if, in fact, they know they are just filling an ever-present void like Krispy Kreme or Sharon Osbourne. Obviously, I have no idea.

Movies      Home