Your brain is like a master statistician, always making calculations, at speeds almost imaginable. You may not be aware of it, but your brain carefully analyzes thousands of tids and bits of information, from multiple angles, weighing millions of possible outcomes each second, every second. In other words, you would never carry a heavy appliance with the cord dragging behind on the ground—at least not without a good reason.

Life’s lessons, like ice cream, come in thirty-one different flavors. When you do decide to go “cord-on-floor,” of course, you know you’re walking on thin mint. And when the cord does get snagged, and you pull and it pulls back like a gold medal ribbon, and you have to stop and turn slowly around, that’s when you’re traveling a rocky road. But you will not set that television down. Instead, wisely, you’ll use one hand to balance it against your chest while the other attempts to yank the cord free. And now it’s confirmed, your status as number one nutty coconut. Of course, if you do have to put down that television set, that’s like stopping to ask for directions. My god, you’re a cookies and cream puff. Now actually dropping it would be chocolate chip cookie “doh!” And if it breaks, a closed fist and fudge. Maybe you do have a chocolate almond for a brain after all.

chance of breaking something = (laziness x unfounded sense of urgency x 1.5 presence of Y chromosome + belief in floor gnomes) / fear of having to buy a new something

Here are the flavors that didn’t make it: chocolate chip, coffee, bubble gum or pink bubble gum, butter pecan, blind date, pistachio almond, running with scissors, strawberry cheesecake, vanilla, promise and cream, orange sherbet, zipping it up too fast, world class chocolate.