Apple Jacks
Similar to fruit loops, but a little more subtle. Interesting flavor that seems to pick up as it integrates into the milk, although it's got little to do with apples. And what's with the little red flecks? And now with the addition of green jacks would stand to be the only cereal in existence in green technicolor. Something else I just noticed: as the jacks soak a while, they toughen up a bit on the chew like an overcooked calamari and unlike Cheerios. This may seem like nothing, but woe to the man who ignores one too many nothings. It's definitely suspicious. Kind of like when a restaurant you thought was really great starts advertising on T.V.

Product 19
Like a Wheaties, Corn Flake hybrid that’s been painted with a glaze of salt corn flavor. It’s not bad, but I don’t really see any particular reason for it to exist. But I eat it.

Frosted Flakes
This cereal actually tastes exactly like it looks—orange technicolor. And for all it's unnaturalness, the flavor still possesses a kind of unholy allure. It's like a seductive supermodel vampire. You know you have to kill her. But oh the humanity. Too frosty.

Fruit Loops
Too much artificial flavoring.

Fruity Pebbles
I don't know how to describe this utter mess of a cereal other than with Haiku.

Shaped like Rice Krispies¹
With artificial colors
It gets soggy fast

Yikes!

¹ I must acknowledge there has been some small controversy over this line.

Cinnamon Toast Crunch
Good size, good initial taste. Questionable flavor on the late palate. Ingredients list includes caramel and annatto, which roughly translates to "you can smell it from five feet away." What's annatto anyway? Should I be paying for it?

Sugar Smacks
Similar to sugar corn pops in having a prominent sheen of glucose around a crunch that most resembles those caramel popcorn pieces you used to get in those three panel popcorn tubs your uncle would send each Christmas. Uh, it's kind of weird tasting. And I hesitate to actually say this but perhaps there is a point at which there really is enough sugar. And perhaps this point has been crossed.

Captain Crunch’s Little Chocolate Donuts
I bought these because I thought they would give me some comfort in these lonely days, in other words, for the same reason I always buy cereal. And they have to an extent. They taste okay, and the texture is about the same as Captain Crunch without those unbreakable crunch berries. Unfortunately I just can’t get that excited about a chocolate cereal. A breakfast cereal based on chocolate is like a white guy climbing Everest without oxygen. He can only go so far.

Cereal