Equally important, I now have a somewhat different view of how these texts should be edited. In the first edition, my main focus was on highlighting Matisse’s own words. As a result, I often cut digressive remarks made by his various interviewers. I am now more sensitive to the historiographical value of those interviews and have included more of this interesting material.

- Jack Flam, Matisse On Art

Below are some of the electronic letters people have sent us

I got this email from George regarding the Email Prank
From: george keenen
To: bacon@
Subject: No subject was specified.
Date: Fri, 15 Jun 2001 10:30:36 -0700

give diane arbus some credit for the fotos in the email prank, why not

Dear George,

     I suppose I could explain about ctrl-right click (properties) and how the name arbus willingly appears. Or I could drone on about how introducing art to the masses is an end that justifies almost any means necessary, short of smashing someone to death with [the art]. But why don't I just try to make ammends instead? I hope you can forgive me for this mixup. Please accept this photograph as a token of my sincerity. I took it last summer.

Love anyway,     
     Clarence Bacon

So Was I Once Myself An Eater of Cereal

From: Matthew Ashford
Date: Tuesday, April 17, 2001 9:17 PM
To: bacon@
Subject: cereal

Thou foolish grunion,
Within thy feeble muttering and thy clouded chamber,
For fetters and addlepatery are no small match,
No less so than a saucy pickled herring.

I suppose your glaring omission of Clusters is inadvertent. Or, it had better be, for I hear the Hounds of the Wehrmacht Bake 'n' Flake howl in the distance. Do not ask for whom the Captain Crunches; he crunches for thee. Hie yourself down to the local Giant Eagle or Kroger's or whatever they have in your ankle of the galaxy. Sorry to clutter you with two emails in one evening, but no Clusters?! Dammit.

From: Kelly Duley
Date: Friday, May 24, 2002 11:27 AM
To: bacon@
Subject: cereal

my favorite used to be "Boo Berry"
We weren't allowed to eat or buy sugar cereal when I was young. But a few times we got away with sneaking a box of sweet sugary cereal into the cart. If my mom was really tired from working all day and taking care of us, she'd relent with a little good old fashioned begging in the grocery store. http://www.geocities.com/twinklelilstar4/cerealboxes.html

From: Patricia Kao
Date: Tuesday, July 02, 2002 3:25 PM
To: bacon@
Subject: sick at home

So, I took the time to peruse your website. Very entertaining to say the least! Now I know what you do with all your time!! I particularly enjoyed your cereal reviews (although, you mistakenly said that Fruity pebbles are shaped like rice crispies, which is completely not true!) And I agree that Total Raisin Bran has the best flakes, but how can you pass up those sugar coated raisins in the Kellogg brand? And the cheese site was highly entertaining as well...what's up with that dude who wrote you that letter about all the Pam Anderson nudy pictures? I love the way he called you "Mr. Bacon".

Flattened Rice Krispies? Steamrolled Rice Krispies.

American Beverages Reviewed
We got a comment from Scrungngen
You are in - sane. Pepsi gets a 3.5??? I mean come on, it's the choice of a new generation for crying out louyd. Besides that nobody ever even drinks Coke any more, it's just disgusting. I will admit that Cherry Coke might do in an emergency, but given the choice I would pick Cherry Pepsi every time. And how can you dare rate any soft drink at all if you think a 12oz. is too much for one sitting? I wouldn't even dirty my mouth with a measly 12oz's. of Pepsi. Of course you like Coke, so maybe I can see how that would be a lot to endure all at once. As for Snapple, well I don't really know what to say. You do have taste buds right? Snapple is the most over hyped, over priced, under achieving, worthless drink on the planet, with the possible exceptions of Sorbe and bottled water. And don't give me that junk about how it cost less per ounce than red wine. Wine is much more expensive and time consuming to make, and besides, you can get drunk from it. That's like comparing apples to sheep. Despite those few minor differences of opinion, I really enjoyed your site, especially the part about cereal (by the way, I think Life should be rated higher too). It is a neat concept, and you have some very interesting material there.

And a request from LimpsBizkitGirl
i was looking at the site and thought I'd -if i could- make a suggestion:
You should have like a spot where they click (if u already do-ooops,sorry!)
and put down THERE commets for a drink, then put it on! :O)

Everyone keeps emailing me asking for Robert Hebert's opinion (“where is Robert Herbert's opinion”...“we want to see Robert Hebert's opinion”...and my favorite...“Why have you still not posted Robert Hebert's opinion?”)
From: Robert Hebert
To: bacon@
Subject: Snapple Elements (rain)
Date: Fri, 15 Jun 2001 10:30:36 -0700

it says agave cactus on the front but the list of ingredients say
"prickley pear cactus puree" in the list of ingreediets.

I didn't see agave cactus on the list of ingreedients but its listed on
the front so who knows.

oh... for your Sobe list

citrus energy drink..... tastes like tang and leaves a sickening sweet
after taste.
it lists guarana extract in the list of ingredients as well as american
ginsing but what is "guarana"

Robert Hebert

More from Jack (alias Jacky…alias Johnnie…) Degas - The Absinthe Drinker (could Jack be a woman?)
mr . bacon,

what about beer? whiskey? rum? vodka? a little thing called white russians? i think that you are doing a great disservice to the beverage industry by omiting alcoholic beverages. think of all those starving boozehounds out there who are being let down by your page...

i mean, one third of all americans enjoy at least nine drinks a week. that's almost one drink every day! and think of all those college kids out there who don't have anything better to do with their parents' money than spend it on funny shaped bongs and booze, all of whom come to your page and read only about... NON ALCOHOLIC BEVERAGES!!!

Crap, says I! Crap!

if only you had someone to review alcohol for you. someone who enjoys sitting around on weekends watching the ballgame and enjoying a few "brews", who goes out at night at drinks a couple stingers or grasshoppers, who has a little bottle of vodka in the cupboard just in case there's a big snowstorm or the in-laws come over and he has to pretend he's drinking water, who once drank rubbing...

oh, sorry.
...alias Ahab? Pernod? Piquod?

Subject: please answer

Dear Cold Bacon,

I am 9 years old and I have a question. Do you know if Peppermint soda
has been
invented yet? I am inventing it for a school project.
Thank you, from.

Imagine getting this email with a brown background. Then ask yourself why you still don't have your web site for beverages.
From: madreaper84*aol.com
Subject: (no subject)

I Demand some coverage of the Blue Fruitopia drink, Beachside Blast, in fact, all blue juices should have their own section. When it comes to juices and especially Fruitopia, it MUST be BLUE. I always spend $3 a day on Blue Fruitopia, in fact my nick name is Blue Juice... Later Blue Juice

Re guarana: (Paullinia cupana)
Family Sapindaceae. Native to Brazilian forest. Seeds are allowed to mold, are ground, mixed with cassava flour and water to form paste, and dried in cylindrical shapes. For use 1/2 tsp. is scraped from cylinder, dissolved in 1 cup hot water with honey, and drunk. Active Constituents: caffeine 5%, approx. 2 1/2 times that of coffee.

- Mashford

My 12 year old daughter who has a learning disability is doing a science project on which common beverage has the most acidity. We have used PH strips but they only give us whole numbers and on some sodas it is too close and we need a more accurate count than whole numbers. Do you know a way that we can do this and get better results? If so,we would appreciate your reply! Thanks!!


Canned Foods Reviewed
Any info appreciated
Do you know where I might find the Habitant brand in the USA. My grandfather used to buy it by the case and I always found it to be one of the best. Any info appreciated

Marty Mallek
Van Comments
Van Camp beans are half liquid, They are a real disappointment. We have always bought them but I feel after today [5/23/01] we will change.

Al Shehorn

My Life Without Biscotti
I was simply looking for a biscotti recipe when I came across your site. I am interested in knowing more about the poor robbed soul that works for the hospital and am curious to know if he's the sole instigating factor of this website, or if it's a collaboration of several different individual's insights.

-just curious.

[Second Email From Same Reader]

I must say that I am extremely impressed by your vast knowledge of cheese, and especially enjoyed "Life's Little Joys," more so as I actually experienced three of those just this past week. I agree with you on a-lot of your movie choices thus I may just have to see about looking into the ones I haven't seen that you've suggested as well.* As far as television, the Power Puffs theme song was great! (I used to be a die-hard Wonder Woman fan- underoo's and all!) The only part I was somewhat unsure about would be the "I wouldn't know anything about this—give me Pam Anderson and her silicon valley any day" Really? It just doesn't seem to match the rest of your "Internet personality".

So anyway, I thoroughly enjoyed your site and wanted to give you the proper feedback.

From: DGP - Dan Piggott x-492
Date: Thursday, December 27, 2001 11:03 AM
To: bacon@
Subject: What a great site!

OK, So, all I want to know, in the context of your website, is the artist and name of the music used in the biscotti page. Also love the graphic with the sombrero...

Dan Piggott
Boise ID

From: Tahu363*at*aol
To: bacon@
Subject: Youj want biscotti????
Sent: Sun, 2 Dec 2001 07:39:37 EST

Found your "A day without biscotti" very, very, humorous. It was comforting to know there are other kindred spirits out there!
Take a look at http://www.CabibbosBakery.com. I stumbled upon it in my never-ending quest for the perfect biscotti! It's also a real nice story.

I have eaten my share of biscotti and have decided that these, by far, are absolutely the BEST in the world!—especially the Cinnamon Almond. Panettone is wonderful, too!!

If you are a biscotti aficionado, as it appears you are, you MUST try!! Hope you like them as much as I do.

Happy dunking!!

Ubriaco (Wine)
Wine Reviews: You can't always trust them.
Wine Reviews: You can't always trust them. Get a second opinion if possible. My sympathy goes out to you for the $150 Mordoree. Alas, I once risked $79 on Chateau Montrose pauillac. I asked the sommelier at the shop if it was ready (It was 12 yrs old). He said yes of course. Wrong! Pucker city. Waaaaaaay too tight. Needed another ten years, oh well, into the spaghetti sauce. Then there was the Pieroth 76 cabernet sauvignon. Not being a drinker of domestic wines (give me complexity, give me Europe) I nonetheless accepted this gift from a friend gladly. Oh My! Inhale. Violets and light cherry notes that just swirled up out of the glass and lingered. Delicate and silky palate, with the same lingering floral and cherry fruit nuances. Never had a cabernet like it before or since.

Feedback for The Truth About Cheese
has gone and evolved into its own page here.

Cornbread Happens!
dear sir,

while searching for 'cornbread' i came upon your site and was pleasantly surprised to find it containted more than cornbread recipes. radiohead,italo calvino, and powerpuff girls: this is a man with beautiful taste. still, one likes to know who is creating all this content, some guy is houston? and so much gray? try something a little more exciting like off-white or a bright putty.

beacuse i care,


“I suppose it’s not wrong that Against Interpretation is read now, or reread, as an influential, pioneering document from a bygone age. But that is not how I read it, or –lurching from nostalgia to utopia—wish it to be read. My hope is that its republication now, and the acquisition of new readers, could contribute to the quixotic task of shoring up the values out of which these essays and reviews were written. The judgments of taste expressed in these essays may have prevailed. The values underlying those judgments did not.” – Susan Sontag (added 12/05)

The Truth About Houston Food
Positive and negative feedback from Houston's many gourmet surfers.

The T-Shirt Project
The classic joke about how many surrealists it takes to screw in a light bulb; and I faintly hear through lobes warped with blood-darkened tears, the glabrous sucking of a thousand quivering, slime-coated squid limbs, for the answer is squid after all; clinging and dragging me down, like the jealous embrace of an anchor scorned beneath gray waves, down to some round and padded pit, replete with E-Z music and Fun Food, where the only books are published by godawful IDG Books, with titles like "Idiot's Guide to Dummies" and so on. (I work in the campus bookstore, incidentally.)

That is what I think of your t-shirt offer. What the hell is "ash", anyway, do I get the shirt in a small plastic bag with the warning Do Not Inhale? Nonsense, I'm sure; I presume it's that familiarly vague, not quite gray enough to drown, suitably ambiguous for a philosophy major, sort of gray. Intrigued. I'm still deciding on a label: suggestions? Also anything else you, in your distant chuckling power, emboldened by the Click and the phosphor glow, of wisdom subtle, flawed and tragic, feel I ought to review?

- mashford

Feedback Regarding Specific Artists: Professor Longhair * Clifton Chenier

Opinions from an individual named Anne
Try Musikas Hungarian Folk Ensemble. The first album, Blues for Transylvania, no it's not blues, but it's great. Candles, goulash, just melt with it and try not to dance yourself into a frenzy. You'll see.

Charlie Musselwhite. Truly unique blues harp. No one sounds quite like Charlie and that's refreshing.

Kurt Weil. Any old recordings (Berthold Brecht singing "Mackie Messer", Lotte Lenya, Marlene Dietrich) and even some new ones (Willie Nelson's September Song, Tresa Stratas' Surabaya, Johnny).

Ramen Noodle Tip: Sam's Club still has the lowest case price.

The so-called "Alternative" Country music, which is to say, "Wow! not all contemporary country music sounds like regurgitated pop tunes dumbed down for post-Jerry Springer hillbillies." Yee-haw. Good luck finding it, and it's not all new stuff. Remember Gram Parsons, Townes Van Zandt, and Great Speckled Bird? I happened to, on a whim, buy an el-cheapo CD called "Alternative Country" from ugh Sam's Club. Half the tunes were outstanding, creative, different, actually using pedal steel guitar, and had escaped the monotonous doof doof doof doof beat and blase lyrics of what you mostly hear on the radio these days. For $3.99 there were some little gems in there...various artists.
Anyone who wishes to mail me a CD is encouraged to do so in threes.

The first email of three from Ben.
hello. i found your website. i thought i'd share... one fine calypso cd you don't have listed is the non-rounder golden age of calypso. on some french label--i got it off amazon a couple years ago. it starts off with a bunch of lion tracks. then there's the smithsonian folkways cook recordings, oh what's it called, calypso awakening. that's what got me into the whole pit in the first place. but, if you're crazy enough, all those rounder lomax carribean recordings are the next step... there's some quadrilles on a couple of them that'll eat your lunch for you.

and i've been wondering about good recordings of the beethoven quartets. i just copied these berg quartet ones, and they're a bit too syrupy for me. tokyo quartet tends to be a little bit metal (i know from bartok quartets)... i wonder what else is out there.

and the heifetz solo bach is really, really, really kickass. i don't know if it's in print--i found it in the library--if you can get a hold of it, i recommend it. and the fournier bach i really like a lot, too.

anyway i have a couple files of old calypso stuff i copied from a tape recorded from an old folkways lp, stuff i haven't seen on cd, like g-man hoover and this great war where lion ends it sounding like q-tip.

nice website. i found it wondering if i could use the internet to actually find out who papa niser was. nope.


Late Night Television Reviews [from the Television Forum]

by Stathis Washington 9/20/01
...I will give you the definitive truth on late night (this is not opinion).

Bill Maher is not "super intelligent". He is comparatively intelligent when you consider his competition on TV generally (although, I don't think I'd call any of the late night guys stupid...Conan is very intelligent). I used to watch Politically Incorrect quite a bit, but after awhile Maher's whining got to me. It is very easy to complain about everything under the sun (which he does), but offer little constructive input on how to change things. That's what Maher does, he sits there and complains and surrounds himself with either really dumb guests (so he looks smart) or zealots on the right or left (so he looks reasonable). Plus, his monologues are probably the worst of any late night host. He thinks people aren't laughing because they don't get it. No, we get it, it just wasn't funny. (Dennis Miller Syndrome).

Kilborn is hit and miss, but I admire the looseness of the show. At times he can be what Letterman used to be (although you couldn't touch Letterman when he was in his prime). I enjoy Kilborn's arrogance schtick at times, but it can get tiresome. Kilborn gets the best musical guests because they are often lesser knowns (by necessity), so it is more interesting.

Conan is the current favorite of the college crowd, and for good reason. He is probably the most intelligent guy on late night. Sometimes he gets a little too "Oh, I'm so ironic and witty" for his own good, but much of the time he is genuinely funny.

Letterman, when he wants to be, is still the King of Late Night (although I am a little old school, for me Johnny Carson is the true Great One). But Letterman has coasted for quite some time, and I guess it was inevitable that he would get complacent and less unpredictable when he switched networks and times. But every once in awhile, something will wake him up and he will get irritated, and that is when Letterman is awesome.

Jay Leno is a lightweight. A good guy, but very safe. His monologues are often well done, though.

So here it is:

The Greatest: Johnny Carson...and then...

1. David Letterman
2. Conan O'Brien
3. Craig Kilborn
4. Bill Maher
6. Jay Leno

T.S. Eliot
From an important Eliot web site in the U.K.
Your web pages look intriguing; I'll have to go back and have another look later (should be working at the moment).

I do like the little links tucked away in the text of the poems. And the complete perversion of structure of the site as a whole - or maybe that is just because I started reading in the backwaters.
No, you were right the first time. The site is completely perverted!.

From The Wasteland Hypertext Site (I think):
...I've run on a bit. I liked your website a lot: I had fun poking round > it, which is more than I can say for 95% of homepages. Are you going to > develop your thoughts on Eliot further? Maybe hypertexting the poems you > carry?

A junior involved in forensics
I am a junior in high school who is involved in forensics. I chose T.S. Elliots poem The Love Song of J Alfred Prufrock. I must admit that this piece is not what you would call a simple poem to understand and I was wonering if you could help me interepret the poem or know of any sites that will interpret it for me. Thank you for your time..



From: Grahame Deane
Date: Tuesday, August 22, 2000 3:53 AM
To: bacon@
Subject: Influences on Poerty Written By T.SElliot

I am doing a Year 11 Assessment Task and which requires me to write a radio interview with T.S.Elliott. For this interview, I need to know about the events and experiences in his life and how these influenced his writings, as in reference to three of his poems - "Preludes", "Love Song of J.Alfred Prufrock" and "Journey of the Magi". Any help you could offer me would be greatly appreciated, and if possible, could I please have any information you have before August 24nd.
Joanna Deane
Dear Joanna,

I totally would love to spend several hours on this project before your deadline in less than two days. In fact, I had already almost gotten together everything you needed when I noticed you were talking about T.S. Elliott, inventor of the modern fire-hydrant and not T.S. Eliot, the poet. It is true that T.S. Elliott borrowed many of his themes from the other Eliot for his seminal works on fire hydrants and fire safety practices. Unfortunately, very little is known about the events and experiences in his life that influenced his writings. However, if I were Pete Rose, I would bet that it might have had something to do with a fire, perhaps a forest or house. I would go with house paying 2 to 1.

Blessed are the students who procrastinate.
I hope you can help me find the following poem attributed to T. S. Eliot:
Blessed sister, holy mother, spirit of the fountain,
spirit of the garden,
Suffer us not to mock ourselves with falsehood
Teach us to care and not to care
Teach us to sit still
Even among these rocks.
Our peace in his will
And even among these rocks
Sister, mother,
And spirit of the river, spirit of the sea.
Suffer me not to be separated
And let my cry come unto Thee.
I would like to include it in a paper that is due tomorrow (!) and I need a citation reference. Hope you can help! Thanks! Robin

Just when you thought it was safe, here's one from Babiewitch off our poetry forum.
okay. this is super important. i havn't been able to find these poems and i need them for tommorrow. if you have these, please email me at chinu87ba4ever*at*yahoo.com!

What poems are you talking about Babywitch?

From Beezerthebeast@censored.com
I would just like to say thank you so much for your Eliot websight. He is one of my favorite poets...and i am glad that you support the intellect of his works.

From a student writing a paper on T.S. Eliot
I have to compare a poet whose work primarily falls between 1900 and 1950 (I chose T.S. Eliot), and one whose work hits 1950 and onward (I chose Lesléa Newman.) I'm supposed to compare them as to whether or not (if so, how) they should/could be taught together.. A high school or college unit, or such. It's so helpful to have the poems *on hand*. (THANK YOU!)

You see that
Faber and Faber. You see that!

Dear sir or madam:

Your website rocks. Because of you I am now a big big T.S. Eliot fan (I still refuse to give Robert Frost a chance for no reason at all). I agree with almost everything you say. You've inspired me so much I think that one day I shall put up my own website. I have lots of free time, which is why I am writing this e-mail. It is also why I have visited your website everyday for about a week. Well if this e-mail is starting to bore me, then I am sure you are very bored too.

Your biggest fan


Bless your heart.
The T.S.Eliot Analyses? The refutes-and-mockeries?
.. . gods.
Bless your heart.

Concerning his definitions of creativity... .When.. I read his comments, I kind've.. . agreed with him. I don't see why most students are trying to come from where they come, as a general rule.. regardless of the grade. -.— Kindergarteners make so much sense, though.. Higher you go, eh.. . Oh, well. .. . .Just.. as comment. I saw him referring more to the release; rather than setting aside emotion to write clearly, and rather than crushing it, shoving it out on the page, pure and blind. From personal experience. -.- Sometimes one needs to write, neh..? There's no conscious effort of trying to say one thing, or trying to capture one fleeting image, it's only.. the purge of the gnawing statement, and the unabashed worship of the image... It begins to eat away at the insides if you don't let it go... The little "expressions" are.. . like birds! Pecking the bars 'til the bars give. They're not expressing their anxiety, or 'turning loose' the thought they want to get out, they're trying to dismantle their own confinement, and be done with it. Yes, it empties the cage (mind, heart, soul; personality, emotions) but there are your poems, or your novels, or your paintings and sketches, escaped to and captured by their freedom, rather than milling around inside somewhere. Almost nothing is more frustrating (and motivating) than something pacing, particularly when it's doing it right across the backsides of your own eyes. Maybe?
Oh, well.
I'm a student, too, I suppose. I can't have too much faith in what I'm saying, yet.

Anyhow. Your site is *wonderful* and terribly helpful!
I'm grateful!
...plus it's a riot to look at. ^_^ Thanks.

It's important that I reprint any email related to the Eliot site because some day, some of these young scholars may end up being famous writers or poets. An email from their "early years" could make quite a splash on Antiques Roadshow. Like the time Steven King (before he was famous) emailed from my cooking page asking if we had any good
recipes for egg nog. I have a premonition that Suzanne might end up a professional writer, probably a lot sooner than I will.
Thank you very much for your highly entertaining website on T.S. Eliot... As a cutesy college kid I was a little disillusioned when I first was assigned to study this daunting poet, but your website drew some humorous comparisons and made it much easier for me to grasp... plus, I read those essays people wrote, and I realized that I probably know a lot more than I give myself credit for... where did you find those things?!?
Anyways... thanks so much! Keep up the good work!

~Suzanne Summerlin

Props to us...no, really...
While sitting here at work and wading through a number of intellectually-bound Eliot sites, I came upon yours. In an effort to discover some sort of direction in picking a topic for my senior thesis (which has to be about T.S. Eliot or the Imagists), I was definitely impressed by your candor on the subject. Most people find Eliot a bit weighty, but you certainly have shed new light on the comprehension of his works and the overwhelming lack thereof that exists in the general populace. Props to you—I even sat here and read more despite this nasty lurking taste of cheddar cheese goldfish in my mouth.


P.S.—Have any enlightening suggestions for a thesis topic? I don't.

Dear Sir.

I do not, and cannot, even pretend to be a 'cutesy college-kid.' I am a seventeen year old landscape gardener and college drop-out.

Ever since I started to read however, I have had a love of poetry. I recently came across the works of Eliot. I immediately fell in love with his poem "Portrait of a Lady" and whilst looking for this poem on the net, I stumbled across your page.

I was greatly impressed. The witty put downs, the amusing asides, and sheer amount of accessible, understandable information. I thank you for putting it out there and showing that great literature is not reserved for stuffy 'upper class' English people.


Get A Load of This Guy
Dear coldbacon people,

Good to know that Faber&Faber's copyright threat didn't discourage you from publishing "FOUR QUARTETS".

Nevertheless, please stop referring to the poem "*The* Four Quartets" — 4Q will do.

Same thing for the sloppy "Wasteland" — make it "The Waste Land", o.k.?

Forgive me for being overly correctatious,

Gunnar N. Jauch
Zurich, Switzerland

For people looking for more insight into TSE's work, there is a highbrow chatgroup, an unmoderated list run by the EngLit departement of the University of Missoury: http://web.missouri.edu/~tselist/
Corrections which I, of course, made. And thanks for the tip on the 'Missoury' chatgroup, the link to which Ole Gunnar apparently did not catch on his first visit to our site. As far as I'm concerned, Missoury will do just fine.

From: Sally Schroeder
To: bacon@
Sent: Wednesday, December 26, 2001 1:57 PM
Subject: Little Gidding

In spite of the legal warning, I found a site that had "Little Gidding." Does this mean I will not purchase a text with this poem, no. My immediate interest is the loss of a friend who requested that this particular poem be read at her memorial/celebration. As I was unable to attend due to a medical appointment, I wished to read the poem—now.

While I agree with the copywright premise, there are technological answers to this—make the literature available but not printable. (There is a Dorothy Parker site that does this.)

S. L. Schroeder

One day, I received this email:
From: Olivia F Bustion <@MtHolyoke.edu>
Date: Sunday, October 28, 2001 11:24 AM
To: bacon@
Subject: no subject

Where is the Heraklitos quote?

* * * * *

Left hand, off land, I hear the lark ascend,
His rash-fresh re-winded new skeined score
In crisps of curl off wild winch whirl, and pour
And pelt music, till none's to spill or spend.
I replied that I would need more context to know what her email was about. Seconds later, I got this reply
At the bottom of the *Four Quartets* website it says, "Contact me if you have complaints". My complaint is this: the website has quite egregiously neglected to include the epigraph to the poem, a fragment of Heraklitos, the Greek philsopher. I had hoped to find a translation of the ancient Greek. In any case, if you are going to bother to make of a poem a website, you shouldn't leave out part of the poem. Had you decided to feature *The Waste Land*, would you have left out the Cumaean Sybil epigraph? The poem would be a different poem without it.
Note, she has only visited the FQ site, which is not actually on the main web site. I obviously *do* have a site featuring *the Waste Land*, and I obviously *don't* have any idea what the Cumaean Sybil epigraph is. Do I dare tell her?

[some time passes]

I tell her. Seconds later, I receive a second letter, this time, it has white powder in it. Dust from Mt. Holyoke. I drank what?

[more time past]

I die, alone, unredeemed.

From: George McRae
Date: Friday, August 31, 2001 11:39 AM
To: bacon@
Photo of Weeks Hall?


I had the opportunity to study and write on the life of Weeks Hall while working at an advertising agency in New Iberia. His right arm is broken because he was riding in a car which careened into a telephone pole.

At Halls old house, "Shadows on the Teche," the room in which he painted (and made his paint from scratch) has been restored to the condition it was when he was painting. The rest of the house is a popular ante-bellum anttraction.

There was an over-sized blowup (4'x5' app) displayed around here in Lafayette a while back. Some moron had flipped the image in making the print, really gave me a laugh when i pointed it out to some of the folks who were involved with it.


From: Shannon M
Date: Monday, November 11, 2002 9:51 AM
To: bacon@
Subject: Your site...

Your site has proved to be terribly interesting, as well as expansive.
I actually found it while searching for info on Dave Eggers. Do you truly distain his work that much?
But I was drawn into the site by the pieces of Eliot scattered about. I wrote my college thesis on Eliot's view of modernity and compared it with a painting by Marcel Duchamp.

I'm rambling.

I only meant that the vast majority of people, men & women alike, seem to glory in the most shallow and vapid of interactions. Show any sign of depth or thought or an inclination to challege someone's beliefs or opinions and you become rather unpopular.

Hope to hear from you.

Robert Frost Poems (On One Easy Page)
On Fire and Ice
Thanks for your Frost page. I think you left off the last line of Fire and Ice.

Richard R
My God, you were right. It's almost like an entirely different poem now. Amazing.

Here’s One
I got to your site through the Robert Frost link. This must be the road less travelled. I think it is very witty so I shared it with some co-workers who know all about cheese. I especially liked the cereal review and the movie quotes explanation. When I got home I checked out the rest of the site.

Where, might I ask, is Williams?

Don't worry, your humor is not lost on everyone.

Still Chuckling
Not that anyone should want to read this, but here’s my reply (this is the reply OJ didn’t want you to see!)

thanks very much for your email. Let me fragment it.

>I got to your site through the Robert Frost link. This must be the road less traveled.

yes - the poetry lures in many visitors - some of which might explore the rest of the site - but i also believe strongly in copyright infringement -

>I think it is very witty so I shared it with some co-workers who know all about cheese. I especially liked the cereal review and the movie quotes explanation. When I got home I checked out the rest of the site.

Cheese - i don't know monterrey jack about cheese - i only have my personal reactions - and my attempts at humor - someday - i would like to read some books on cheese and then at least, i will have read some books on cheese -

>Where, might I ask, is Williams?

Williams College, a liberal arts school in MA - and a distant memory (don’t ask me to spell it out either—wait, let me let spellcheck do it for me—computing—Massachusetts—okay, I’m not even sure I can trust spell checker on this one. I want a second opinion, like from Linux or something)

>Don't worry, your humor is not lost on everyone.


so thanks again for your comments and insightful sympathy for my lonely plight (lonely meaning, I know I must have lots of really cool friends, I just can’t remember where the hell they are at the moment).


From: Mary Chastain Kitchings Subject: Robert Frost and Music

Hi. Do you know of any of Robert Frost's poetry that has been set to music? If so, do you know where it could be downloaded? This is for an 11th grade homework project due Thursday. Thank you. MK

Ha! What about Pranks Or do you mean something more real?

B Kliban
Had too many fans, and had to be relocated here.

Contemporary Artists
How do people respond to their work being republished on the web (or more specifically, my web site)?
Thanks for posting the pictures. I think it's cool.
Nic N
My lawyers will give your lawyers a blowjob if you haven't already.

Can a radio DJ just up and leave town?
From: Drunkarate@censored.com
Subject: About "the Whipping Boy" mentioned in your site

I happened upon a reference to "The Whipping Boy" DJ, and how you found him very humorous. I beleieve you also mentioned he was in the Houston area. The only reason I am writing is that I listened to a DJ named "The Whipping Boy" here in the Denver area about 6-7 years ago. I'm thinking it's the same guy; if not, I wonder how many whipping boys there are in radio. I found him mildly amusing back then; my theory is that if it's the same guy, he's drastically improved his performance. I'm always in awe of an DJ on the radio who can be consistently funny, since radio humor is all about personality and attitude. It's too difficult to be "on", finding the "funny" for 5-7 straight hours. That's why most radio DJ's are conversational, and not "stand-up" oriented. If this is the same "Whipping Boy", I'm glad he's still around! All I remember is that I was listening to him one day, and the next time I tuned in, there was another DJ named "Uncle Nasty" in his slot! It was a scandal bigger than the Darren switch on Bewitched!
Regarding Your Seinfeld Comments
From: lchoi@censored.com
Subject: one thing i remember

I do remember one Seinfeld joke in particular that I liked a lot—the one about the olympic sprinters and the tiny difference between winning and losing. he does the thing with his head—"Gold...Silver...Bronze...Dead Last". I'm sure you've seen it. So that's one specific thing that I actually remembered.

Dear Mr "Bacon",

I hope you won't mind me putting a link to your site on the Lenny Bruce page on my web site. I've included the URL for that page so you can decide whatyou think about being linked to me. (I just started it today, so there's not much there yet) It looked like your site would be good link for people who're interested in comedy in general, not just Lenny Bruce.

You might enjoy hearing Sam Kinison singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight", as only he would have sung it. There's a link to that page on the navigation bar you'll find on the Lenny Bruce page if you feel like checking it out.

Diana Graham
(P.S. Also, a link back to my page would be appreciated, if you decide it doesn't completely suck)

The Films Who Loved Me
Did this guy visit the right site?
Damn! When did I write this web site? I can't remember. Anyway, please forward my share of the profits (if any) to my e-mail address, and thanks for making me laugh out loud.


P.S. Rushmore is available on a Criterion Collection DVD now and it's worth the extra $ to get it.
People get angry when "there's, like no review" on the site.
Here's a story— a young man took a break from staring blankly at a page filled with mathematical symbols and words like "folium" in order to spend a few comforting moments ready a snappy review of "Eyes Wide Shut," which a certain website author claimed could be found there. To his grave (grave) disappointment, none was to be found on the aforementioned website. How sad. So, there's, like no review of that movie on your site. Although there's many other interesting stuff. I liked your review of Star Wars. I never realized how important Darth Vader was...
Read this one and see my comments below.
hello there fellow webmaster!

I enjoyed your
hemingway bits. you are pretty clever. what are you, a grad student or something? i knew a grad student once. he was pretty smart. i thought your review of gladiator sucked. obviously you don't know anything about roman times. all the fighting was close up - nobody fought at medium range, so there couldn't be any medium range shots. i didn't think that dog did a very good job acting either. i have a dog. he's real smart. when he's hungry, he barks my name - jack! jack! jack!

i will keep reading your site though. i feel i have a lot to learn.


ps - i'm not insane. i'm only 10 years old.
I declare this email a work of art. Read more Jack.

Intellectual questions about Italian films
From: PaGaLiDeEwAnI4ya*at*aol.com
Subject: hey

do u think that u have a essay on ciena paradiso... let me knwo asap thankssssssssss

When old friends who finally, actually read your web site after all this time email to tell you they never knew:

Also, I reviewed your movie reviews and they really are better than almost any others available in newspapers or on the internet. I am not kissing your ass, I mean it. Your website has so much potential to be even more popular than it is it kills me.

This is what I want to ask you. For some reason I feel the need to do a little pseudo-journalism. I would like to start with some superficial stuff like interviewing people and maybe even some lesser known celebrities. There is an actress who is going to be very popular in about 3 weeks after her movie comes out, but who at the moment might still give us the time of day. When I was in law school I had to talk to the director of the movie Gattaca in LA because we had a legal symposium on cloning and I was the contact guy for him. I sort of know how to reach semi-famous people through their agents in LA. You just call or write and be firm and demanding with them.

Okay, I still am pursuing a real estate career, I just have the urge to do an interview. If this actually happens, it would be monumental for you because she has never done an interview, and I do not know if its because no one cares, or because she is waiting.

Reply at your whim.


To: movies@
Subject:i am writing a paper
Sent: Sun, 2 Dec 2001 21:50:59 EST

Hi! I am a film student writing a paper comparing Citizen Kane to The Usual Suspects. I am suppose to write on camera angles, lighting, etc. not storyline, which is what i seem to be gearing my paper toward. If you personally can think of any ideas that may assist me in writing this paper, i will remember you in my oscar speech! :o) However, i will understand if you do not have the time. Honestly, any information is appreciated. I am having trouble finding information especially on The Usual Supects. Thank you for your time and attention... abstrock22*at*aol.com

From: OHCanadaChris*at*aol
To: movies@
Subject: (no subject)
Sent: Tue, 5 Feb 2002 21:02:13 EST

Hey. I need to interpret the text and major theme os the 1940's film Citizen Kane. I just could not grasp and write down my ideas and thoughts about this movie. what does it mean, literary anaysis, for example/for instance, etc etc. i was hoping you could help me write a 1 page paper on this film. from the getgo i knew immediately what "rosebud" meant and i was tense throught the whole movie just waiting to see if my prediction was rite. Rosebud was a symbol of his lost childhood. i was pleased with myself when i was proven rite. Anywayz. a little help would go a long way rite now. thank you for your time.


Powerpuff Puffback
Conventional PPG feedback.
thanks for having a site about the power puff girls that is in the D.O.C. catagory ! *

to actually read stuff about the animation !!!,, and all by hand!! wow i was sure everything passed key possing was done on computer.. wonder if i can buy some cels,,,
* I believe D.O.C. means Department of Cartoons

A Second Opinion on A Very Special Blossom:
You're right. "A Very Special Blossom" is NOT one of the best episodes. I was appalled when Blossom, the most levelheaded, mature and wise Power Puff Girl, stole the golf clubs. And at the end, when she was wearing that orange jumpsuit and looked miserable, I was totally depressed! I saw your "Blossom For President" poster, but she can't be president now, she's a convicted felon! I hope future episodes won't be as depressing as this.

(Of course, in reality, she wouldn't be convicted. Since Blossom's only 5-years-old, she can't be held responsible anyway!) - from Troy
From Elle:
you have such a cool site i love the powerpuff girls!!!!
my fave is Blossom how could you think that bubbles is the bloody best sorry i know she rocks too, well my name is eloise, i should of told you that at the start!well peace,marshmellows,all saints(rules)libby tanner rules,she's in all saints and she's my idol ,and powerpuffs for ever
luv elle
This email is too cute.
please please please have a REAL person respond!!!

if you read it write MANGO in your letter
me and my sister have a GREAT story
2 or 3 infact
My sis drew some GREAT pictures of the new Characters involved
if you answer and ask i scanned the pictures into my COMPUTER and we are
re-writing the story/ies
the CN(cartoon network)Website didn't, not with a real person

The #1 PPG's Fan
Christina Cook
Age 13


i'm a reporter at the baltimore sun and would love to chat with you about the powerpuff girls and their fans. can we talk? you have an impressive knowledge of the program.

i can be reached at 1-800-829-8000. then hit 1, and my extension - 6164. or you can avoid the hassle and call me directly at 1-410-332-6164.


Yes, well, that’s fine, but I need you to help me out too. I’m writing this humor piece, see –and I need a couple names of very famous Greek (or Roman) historians. I’m not picky. Just so that they’re famous.

Date/Time of Posting: Jul 30 2002 / 00:03:59
IP Address:

where = high falutin' stuff. while i respect yo

ur irreverence and unbelievably encyclopaedic knowledge of animation, some things give me cramps about your Powerpuff analysis. Being erudite is one thing, shoving it up people's noses is another. You can't help it, I know I often can't. For example, comparing a sequence in an episode to Eliot's Preludes (great poem) is something uneccesary. You could have just said, "an austere atmosphere" or some thung lok dat. By citing Eliot, you are actually imitating him, like he alluded to Baudelaire, etc. in The Waste Land. I'm so happy i found a person who loves McCracken as much as Eliot, but by mentioning Eliot, you're just acting like a showoff. For your apprehension of the depths of technique and artistry in cartoons that would normally be deemed kid's stuff, you are a Jesus, but I feel that you're looking so damn deep into the ocean that you're on the other blooming side. In other words you may see too much in some things. I think that while McCracken and crew were creating their art, they were unconciously practisingdamncantspell what they had already been influenced by, not neccesarily this cartoon or not.

Keane Ng

The Elian Gonzales Channel
From Trailervision:
Dear bacon,

Like your site. Laughed our heads off.

Thought you would find this interesting:

Elian: The movie!

Your friends at Trailervision

The Stay Free feedback...
...has moved here now.

Response to the 'Hunker Down' Rant
Part One

I'm Kate's friend Will; I am writing because I just found something on your site about the phrase "hunker down" and I want to heartily agree with you—I hate that fucking phrase. It has a very specific meaning which is almost never called for.


Part Two

to "hunker" means to squat with your thighs and calves touching and your weight on your toes. I guess 'down' is redundant. You could say "There were several migrant fruit pickers hunkering on the sidewalk waiting for the bus."
Update for 2002: 'Will' is now published.

Feedback Regarding Various Things
Rebuttal to My Low Self-Esteem
Number 1, that was MEXICO not France, anyone worth half their weight in salt could recognize that.

Number 2, we just wanted to know if you would sink or swim.

Number 3, if you ever post such flattering childhood photos of me on your site again, you'll wish the poison had worked.

Rebuttal to Meaning Mate 3.0
in re: the impossibility of communication, see: Camus, Albert. "The Stranger", trans. Matthew Ward, New York: Knopf, 1988. See also "i'll say 'david what shall i do, they wait for me in the hallways?'/ i'll say 'don't ask me i don't know any hallways.'..." Bowie, David. 'Teenage Wildlife,' from "Scary Monsters," London: Rykodisc, 1991. - CSE
Rebuttal to The China Problem
Hey, I just wanted to say I typed "Sheep, thought I" into a search engine, sure I'd get a Clockwork Orange reference somehow, and I came across your "Sheep Thought I" page. I "got it" (the statement you were making about the US and China) right away, but, then again, I was the one looking for "Sheep, thought I" references to begin with, eh? - Tristan
Rebuttal to George Lucas Can Kiss My Ass Rant.

I'll bite. What in the **!? does My hero have to do with the fact that you are obsessively bitter about Phantom Menace? Larry is the epitome of coolness in children's toys. I mean come on, a young cucumber who has grandiose delusions of being a superhero? Of course he knows his limitations - The cape won't really make him fly, thus he has the special ejector button. I know a lot of vegetables who might have looked to drugs to get that same effect. But Larry boy bounces the straight and narrow.

By the way, I think you should give old George a break. Seeing as how the world revolves around you and your website which I realize is completely objective, you may give the guy low self esteem issues. I'm sure he checks in daily, or maybe he has one of his "people" do it for him, and sooner or later you're going to break him. Wherewill that leave us? With no hope for the future redemption of Star wars II and a big gaping hole in your rant column.


Rebuttal How to Be Alone And Get Away With It
Nuns fret not at their convent's narrow room;
And hermits are contented with their cells;
And students with their pensive citadels;
Maids at the wheel, the weaver at his loom,
Sit blithe and happy; bees that soar for bloom,
High as the highest Peak of Furness-fells,
Will murmur by the hour in foxglove bells:
In truth the prison, unto which we doom
Ourselves, no prison is: and hence for me,
In sundry moods, 'twas pastime to be bound
Within the Sonnet's scanty plot of ground;
Pleased if some Souls (for such there needs must be)
Who have felt the weight of too much liberty,
Should find brief solace there, as I have found.

                                - William Wordsworth
Response to Nic Nicosia - Real Artist
From: Nic Nicosia
To: bacon@
Subject: Nic Nicosia
Sent: Thu, 29 Nov 2001 15:48:01 EST

Thanks for posting the pictures. I think it's cool.
Nic N

Response to Sorry (which was itself a response)
Hi Coldbacon,
I have been thoroughly enjoying your commentary on life in all aspects.
I am particularly intrigued by your "Sorry" poem (Human Interest III).
I'd love to know if there is a sequel.


Random Positive Feedback
This comes from a young man who will soon be a world famous poet, playwright and food critic. Not once has he been infected with cholera or participated in a major sexually transmitted disease, and he's a fan of our site.
Like you it is brilliant and scattered. Its potential is tremendous; maybe it suffers for trying to do to much? I might suggest forcing people, at the outset, into certain documents. from there, it would open outward into everything. you give people too many choices, at the outskirts, in the non-wine part.

also where was my writing?
The same person one week later (poems now having been carefully placed on the site with much HTM-effort.
I think your site is funny. I think you misspelled Mark Hamill's name. (I'm not even sure if that's right - may be just one L. But def. an I, not an E). I think if you're going to use my poems you should give them some kind of context, and make it a positive one. I.e. say...Tim is good. Or Tim is ... It just looks so random having me up there with T.S.E. et al. So. So.
And another week after that...
I have decided I would like my poems taken down, for now.

But but but.

I really have nothing to say.

From Sarita
if i had enough time to make my webpage rock, it would look alot like yours. yee haw!
The same person, using only a slightly different name, would make the following statement about consumption...
one who falls in the Seine after drinking only 2 bottles of wine (750 ml each) is quite pathetic. calvados is another story. good webpages continue to fight the crime of homework!
And later on would write…
i looked at your page again to find the picture, you are a much bigger nerd than anyone i know. your webpage seems infinite, however, i noticed that you put links to red meat and the damned jbm inc up...no one gives me any credit...." french, on the other hand, i have a big problem with. i love the language and the art and lit but i have yet to meet a french person who i do not despise.

From a reader in Texas (big state for such a small email)
I loved your site !

But the shortest ?praise we ever got was this subject line with no text.
From: Robert Garot
To: coldbacon@
Sent: Sunday, January 30, 2000 11:33 PM
Subject: Great site—fresh internet air

From Nathan on Tuesday March 14, 2000 6:10 PM
This is very strange.
You seem to have the same interests/obssessions that I do.
Not a good feeling.
Were you cloned from my rootstock?

Also on Tuesday March 14, 2000 6:10 PM
Dolly Creators Claim Cloning Pigs
(AP) - The group that created Dolly the sheep, the world's first clone of an adult mammal, have produced the first cloned pigs, the company announced today. Edinburgh, Scotland-based PPL Therapeutics, which cloned Dolly three years ago, said today that five healthy piglets were born March 5 in Blacksburg, Va. They were cloned from an adult sow using a slightly different technique than the one that produced Dolly. Full Story...

My 4th grade English teacher writes
Concerning your "bad metaphores" page: these are not metaphores but similes. Similes use "like" or "as". Metaphores don`t have any signifying words. I really enjoyed your website, it`s a lot better than some of those "joke" sites!

Laurens L
An explanation of metaphors in Italian can be found in the film classic
Il Postino.

My 4th grade English teacher.uk writes
Subject: aye, nice website.

Heh, rather amusing website. You're our kind of lad; I'd buy you a drink if I met you in a bar. Heh. However, concerning your metaphors: yes, as many a person has likely told you, they are unquestionably similes. Mmm.


My 4th grade piece of ass writes

A Two Part Love Poem
Part I

I forgot to tell you. Here: http://www.coldbacon.com/metaphor.html, you really mean "simile." Those are all pretty much similes, not metaphors.

Part II

Oh, I didn't see what you linked to, under the "metaphors (http://www.coldbacon.com/feedback.html#metaphor)." Well, why didn't you fix it, moron?

From: Kirsty
Date: Thursday, March 30, 2000 8:37 PM

although i enjoy your site you fucking suck!!! i can't believe you devote so mcuh time to such crap, you must be a complete loser all your crap is a crock of shit go to hell


p.s. i love you

From SJP
Hey. I don't really have anything important or interesting to say. Just wanted to let you know that you've made a really good web page. Thanks for helping me past the time in a more-than-wasteful way.
What a great typo!

From Miesvand 8/00
It just grows and grows. Like that aloe plant that someone gives you which you leave in a pot in your parents' back yard, promptly forgetting about it, and convinced that the local humidity will kill it soon enough (aloe plants being succulents, after all, and you would think that at a point there would be so much moisture in the air that this essentially desert plant would suck the moisture in and expand and expand and expand until it blew itself apart- not a great image but I've been reading a lot of Bret Easton Ellis lately and he is very graphic, you know, and not in a good way), but instead when you return you notice that it has actually made little offshoots of itself and even spread into the ground around the pot, in fact there are miniature aloe sprouts all over the place and they are starting to threaten the stability of the backyard fence.

Almost instantly, I understood: 'the garden of the forking paths' was the chaotic novel; the phrase 'the various futures (not to all)' suggested to me the forking in time, not in space. A broad rereading of the work confirmed the theory. In all fictional works, each time a man is confronted with several alternatives, he chooses one and eliminates the others; in the fiction of Ts'ui Pen, he chooses-simultaneously-all of them. He creates, in this way, diverse futures, diverse times which themselves also proliferate and fork. Here, then, is the explanation of the novel's contradictions. Fang, let us say, has a secret; a stranger calls at his door; Fang resolves to kill him. Naturally, there are several possible outcomes: Fang can kill the intruder, the intruder can kill Fang, they both can escape, they both can die, and so forth. In the work of T'sui Pen, all possible outcomes occur; each one is the point of departure for other forkings. Sometimes, the paths of this labyrinth converge: for example, you arrive at this house, but in one of the possible pasts you are my enemy, in another, my friend. If you will resign yourself to my uncurable pronunciation, we shall read a few pages.

- Jorge Luis Borges

The best part, for me at least, is that your site has no mention whatsoever of
Mies van der Rohe. Not yet anyway. Perhaps you will offshoot into an architecture phase one of these days.

I haven't checked the movie section lately, so I don't know if there is a discussion going on about "The Big Lebowski." There needs to be. My god. That was one of the funniest movies I have seen in.... it doesn't even matter. And it gets better the second (possibly even third) time. I spent a whole week afterwards screaming "SHUT THE FUCK UP DONNY" at my friends and then collapsing in laughter.

Otherwise, lovely site. Well done. Keep up the good work, et cetera.
The visual shocks of recognition in these verbal renderings are not exhibits in a trial but items in an inventory, and Farber's most characteristic method is to pile these observations on top of one another, or juxtapose them in a disordered heap on the flat surface of a page, not string them together into linear narratives or arguments. To say that they go nowhere would miss the point; in point of fact, they go everywhere, creating a busy and unwieldy sprawl that spills beyond the frame of whatever he happens to be discussing.

- Jonathan Rosenbaum (Placing Movies)

From Miesvand 4/01
a few weeks ago we went to the four seasons for mies' 115th birthday (it's a cult), which is in the seagram building (mies mies mies), where we drank martinis and were told by the maitre d' of a time when seven ladies who lunch came to.... lunch and asked him to reccommend a good bottle of wine. which he did, though it was a seven hundred dollar bottle of wine (new york, four seasons). (i know you're going to ask me what wine it was but sadly that was not part of the story, so you'll just have to invent it.) naturally they ordered one, liked it so much that they ordered another. the lunch dragged on, got louder, they ended up ordering seven bottles of this rather expensive wine. after a bit the maitre d' went down to check on them and discovered the whole group had stripped down to their la perlas and wanted to go for a dip in the fountain. being a reasonable man, he said "what the heck" and swimming they went. when they emerged, there stood the waitstaff holding fresh dry table cloths.

See, the French don't all hate us...
Hey Will---
Your site is a lot of fun.
I enjoyed talking with you last night; as I am not sure I'll be able to stop by tonight, I just wanted to send you a quick "good luck" message before you finally get out of the [they are lawyers actually so] universe (eventually you may actually end up with nice landlords in Ohio; be careful, at first it *does* feel like science-fiction...).

Got to go, see you around,


If you care, you may want to correct a little typo: "Avante-garde" should be "Avant-garde" at
http://www.coldbacon.com/starbucks1.html. Yeah, yeah, I know, I'm always trying to show off as a French man...

French man? Frenchman?

From hjames (Henry James? maybe?)
Thank you. I have enjoyed maybe an hour of chuckles. This was good. Very good.

All you need now is a 'send your friend this page' link. It's such a bother copying and pasting urls into emails to everyone you know.

This sort of email gets a very quick reply from me, as you might imagine. And here is the next mail from the mysterious H.
Why did you choose 'cold bacon'? You did say on the site that
'opinionated asshole' was taken. but why cold bacon?

On the topic, have you ever had Bacon and Peanut butter sandwiches?

A guy from Texas made one for me. It only works with American bacon,
and the crispier, the better. And it has to be warm bacon, so it melts the peanut butter. Not cold.

Cold Bacon? When?

~h (heather)
Mystery solved. Not Henry James. Henry James' granddaughter? maybe? PS, ever heard of pork satay?

Email from the most intelligent being in the universe
From: Nora Raum
Date: Wednesday, September 06, 2000 2:03 AM
To: bacon@
Subject: Response

Your site is a scream! I have enjoyed your writing style and think it is extremely funny. I deeply enjoy humorous writing and art, and would too eventually like to do something on the web involving my thoughts and original artwork. Which programs did you use and how did you register and get into this?

Keep up the good work... it is fantastic!


Excerpts from my reply

Dear NR (Not Rated),

Thank you so much for you nice comments. I try to be funny. And now I will try to answer your questions. i avoid all types of HTML editors. i say it's because i don't want to get into the bells and whistles of internet design, but it's because i am too cheap to buy Dream Weaver. I also say it's because i don't want to cultivate a skill, which is constantly becoming outdated by newer technology as opposed to say writing, painting, sculpture. of course, i don't do any of that either, so what the fuck. the only fact here in all this is that i never stopped using notepad. you can copy my source codes if you want and just plug in your content, unless you want your site to look good, in which case, you had better copy someone else's codes. then you need a server and a domain name. let me know when you're ready for more advice.


And so now, two years later (9/14/02), without further ado...

If only I could find a way to convert these sort of comments into cash money.
Hi there,

I think you are the most hilarious person I have had the pleasure of reading in a great while. Interesting to see your opinion has had such an affect on people. We all have our own taste and I am thankful you have the balls to share yours with the public. Good to see what others have to say about your opinions does not bother you. Keep up the good come backs there just as amusing to read.

Continue to enjoy life, I am.

I have the balls! I have the balls! You hear that Harry Knowles! Bitch.

From the web site Feminem:
What can I say, except WOW. This is absolutely superb! My website pretty much just trashes society in general, yours actually raises good points about everything. You website was well thought out, opinionated, and contained very few grammatical or spelling errors. I am deeply, deeply, impressed, and you can bet I will put a link on my site to yours.


Hi Bacon,

Sure, we'd be able to put that on an oval for you. I'd be happy to put in
an order for just 1 for you. Should I use your billing/shipping CC info
from you last order?

From: "Kate Rollins"
To: bacon@
Subject:Me Likey!
Sent: Sat, 08 Dec 2001 19:49:45 -0800

Your web site was the best compilation of dither I've read on the Net in a while. It may even inspire me to read off the Net on a more regular basis. So first I'd like to send you a big fat sloppy kiss for your most excellent selection of movies. Have you seen Yi-Yi? No?? Well get out of your computer chair right now and go rent it b.c it's fantastic. Really. And P.S. There is actually someone smoking a cigarette AFLH. Michel's mother did when they arrived at the chateau the first time. I just rented it the other night. (Along with "Abre Los Ojos", which is the original film that Cameron Crowe's Vanilla Sky is based on. I won't comment on it here but suffice to say that it turns out some spanishn films AREN'T crap) Secondly I'd like to pinch you on the tender underside of your arm for omitting some fairly decent american wines: J.Lohr cab., Edna Valley chard, Coppola's red and chard, Peachy Canyon chard, Tobin James DreamWeaver (ok that's a champagne but it's delicious nonetheless) Hey...sexy tunes too. Sounds like? Morcheeba? No wait...Portishead.
Who are you?


Coming Soon: A Web Poll on whether we think Kate Rollins is hot, whether she lives in Oregon, and whether she is over thirty, and me too. What does rimshambaud mean? P.S. I actually tried getting in touch wit Kate and email no longer valid.

From: "Jose Silva"
To: bacon@
Sent: Mon, 15 Oct 2001 05:09:36 +0000

Well not really but who knows?

Hey! remember me? I'm the guy who is not Dave Eggers' mom and my cousin graduated from [chai] with you but you weren't there and now you are in, in I forgot like [chai] or some place white? Anyway I haven't written to you in so long because my email doesn't work but I got this one.

Did you see Saturday Night Live (the kids call it SNL)? I did and they ripped off your $50 only $49.95 thing. Who did you rip it off from? Anyway it didn't work for them, I didn't think. Its better as an offhand witty thing on coldbacon. I bet you didn't watch because you have good taste.

Speaking of which, have you seen Cartoon Network's (formally UPN's) Home Movies? I like it. Also you complain about Woody Allen turning into Bergman (well you quote Chuck Jones and complain somewhere else). Well his last few movies are totally not Bergmanesque. Light and funny and they still suck in my opinion. Can't an artist be Bergmanny and boring? Sheesh. I wish he still was. But the alien in Stardust Memories and Chuck Jones and you won't let him. And don't you like Miles Davis? I don't see his name in the music section anywhere! I love him. Want to see some poems I wrote for my creative writing course? Well I'm a-gonna show them to you anyway:

Leaves of a book left
Outside will begin turning:
Nature likes to read.

A Little Shell

So much ostentation for one so small—
Dressed as a giraffe when you're only a shell.
And the parallels you draw—
A minuscule car can drive up your mountain road.
Such mysterious form—
A chambered secret keeper whispering sighs from the sea.
Like few things in life you reach your peak.


Yellow, unlike other colors, doesn't bleach in the sun.
Too bright and it will make your eyes cry.
Too dark and its olive.
John the Baptist and St. Peter both wore yellow.
Yellow is the color of flowers and hellos.
Yellow is the sunshine on my neck.
Its brightness is unrelenting.
No space for deeper contemplation.
All is surface with yellow.
All is smiley faces and candy corn.
Where porphyry dances on purple leaves,
Musing on the afternoon of a faun,
Yellow skips on traffic signs
And rides the school bus home.
Well there they are, hope you like being a [chai]. I feel like I should say something about New York but I don't think I will.

Your fan,

From: Donna Horvath
To: bacon@
Sent: Thu, 10 Jan 2002 20:55:26 -0500

Hi Coldbacon,
I have been thoroughly enjoying your commentary on life in all aspects.
I am particularly intrigued by your "Sorry" poem (Human Interest III).
I'd love to know if there is a sequel.

Was there? Um...well, not really. No.

This was taken from the web journal of a lovely young fan whom i recently reciprocated. Pay attention to the last link.
i've got a crush
On those coffee shop boys. Why is it that nearly everyone who serves coffee seems attractive? I guess they have this whole spirit to them that makes it seem like they would be good to sleep with. It has gotten so bad. The other day i thought this guy was really hot. then i realized i only thought so because he served coffee. In reality, he was kinda doofy looking. I think this applies to artists as well, and anyone who can write. They have an edge.

But they actually have to be good at it. Like jim woodring. I would do jim woodring any day. I don't care what he looks like. Jim! Jim, baby! Or Tom Wolfe. Although I'm not so fond of A Man in Full anymore, I might do it just out of nostalgia. Of course it's different when you're actually good-looking. At that point, my soul is basically sold downriver.
Oh my god!

Email from someone who is probably British, and likes www.thehun.com.
Confused: as to exactly where your site was coming from. I found it doing a search for aqua teen hunger force (or sea lab, I forget which, though I found your choice in TV shows very agreeable) and so thought it merely another homepage by another fool who found out ANYONE could have a homepage, but had good taste in TV. Upon further investigation of course I found it far more extensive and robust than I first thought. This threw me.

Excited: at the amount of exploration required of you site and the potential enjoyment from said exploration. Also the excellent choice of accompanying music to the pages. Radiohead, Smashing Pumpkins, etc. Right on.

I have only delved shallowly as yet but so far all is good or at least interesting. I haven't been this excited about a website since I found thehun.com

Cheers for the fun,
He's not being French by the way. His name really is Fin.

Sometimes, people understand...
Thank you for the enjoyment I have had today to hop through your site.

Navigation among the site's theme areas is distinctive, by no means intuitive, but fostering discovery, a product of the viewer persistence and curiosity.

Of all things, it started with cheese. Not that I was looking for cheese; I wasn't. Instead I wanted to see where a Google search for 'truth' would take me. Yours is the second to last heading, "The Truth About Cheese". It turns out to be a delightful guide, and entirely not bad for a 17-year-old princess. Thank you for this, too.

Your Asian philosophy section is wonderful.

All in all, you have assembled a fine set of paths and meadows for contemplation, humor, and insight.

I appreciate your work,
Marshall Mathers

One noted Harvard professor expresses his admiration thusly:
From: Louis Penfield Jackson
To: bacon@
Date: Tuesday, November 11, 2003 10:27 AM
Subject: Re: Googling


This is great.

Random Negative Feedback
And then there were those who felt differently…albeit with some ambivalence…
Subject line: Your Homepage…

...is so pathetic i can't stand it. You suck! It's not that bad.

And one fan just wrote:
Obviously, what he means is “Why couldn't my home page be as cool as yours?”

I sent Wine X Magazine this brief email to see if they would be interested in running my piece called Now Is the Time for Geman Wines.
From: coldbacon
Date: Saturday, June 23, 2001 6:24 PM
To: winex@winexwired.com
Subject: Submission

dear sirs,

i have an article you might want to publish - it's about enjoying german wines

here's a sample paragraph

[sample paragraph not shown]

let me know if you're interested - i can give you the link


- bacon(non wine-expert)
They sent this.
From: winex@winexwired.com
Date: Saturday, June 23, 2001 6:24 PM
To: coldbacon@.com
Subject: re:

thanks for the article idea, but we're going to have to pass at this time.

wine x

From: schrader*at*bevcomm.net
Date: Monday, October 08, 2001 1:56 PM
To: tshirts@.com

Your site is outlandish and you really should wake up and see that
Ray Lewis was proven innocent in a court of law.

From: "April York" yorkapril@
Date: Thu, 18 Oct 2001 19:56:27 -0500
To: tshirts@.com

Ray Lewis the linebacker ever.

More Random Negative Feedback
From: "Michael S. Tilley"
To: tshirts@.com
Sent: Sat, 19 Jan 2002 14:24:57 -0500

The images on your page are ridiculously huge.

Don't you know that when you specify an image size in HTML it just affects the size as rendered on the screen? The poor user still winds up downloading the whole bloated thing.

Do you have any idea how long this takes to download over a modem? Would you care if you did?

Please get some profesional help.


From A Princess Saved From Drowning
i'm a little bit hung over this morning.

i wanted to say that i like your Q&A flash and even your people project,
though i think it personalizes your website tremendously and i thought you
didn't really want that.
oh and don't do the whole editors note thing on your movie reviews. it's
too much like that other site.


I have still many problems with your web site, which you probably don't want to hear. But, I don't want to have to wait to load whatever 300k thing starts it out, and even when i push the 'fast' button it still takes too long. I'd like the first page to immediately have options I can understand — books, movies, etc. in any piece of art there are two urges — the desire to be interesting and the desire to be true — that the artist must reconcile. your site seems to overvalue being interesting and undervalue being true (true here meaning possessed of a structure we find in the world and can relate to, comprehensible).

ok, have to go work—

Great Offers That I Don't Know How I Was Able to Resist

I recently visited your site (coldbacon.com) and sorry to say this so abruptly but, your site is very bland looking. I actually wrote to you to offer my services in the form of website design, totally free of charge, sorry, i just can't stand seeing a site that someone's obviously put time, effort, and money into that comes out looking really boring. I mean no offence by this email, please consider my offer and let me know if you want to take me up on it. Thanks very much.

Jacob Adams

From: norb
To: bacon@
Date: To: Friday, April 20, 2001 10:39 AM
Subject: Impressive Site


I just came from surfing your site. Wow, a pretty impressive cooking site! I thought our site might be a good site for you to link to. Check it out
www.shoppeppy.com (Needless to say, I'm pretty proud of our site.) Let me know if you can link to it or maybe we can swap links.

Norb Novocin
The W.B.O.W.

Find all the best deals and coupons on the internet! www.shoppeppy.com


Allow me to present our new company and it`s website www.inverse-logic.com
You will be really amazed how good design and price may be.
Thank you,
Igor Lognikov

I Love Your S - Please Link To Me
I took these down because it was too mean.

Feedback That I Do Not Know Anything About
From Maurizio
i feel too bad i want to return to the real world

From Stinkerton
somewhere an armadillo just heaved and a lugie just slipped past the
shower drain
sometimes a safe just drops from nowhere and lands squarely on the
only brain
with his mindset so removed from all the glory
offered by the sewar and its remains
the bites i locate on my scabby-assed body
promise only to leave spooky-ass stains

From the now infamous Jack Putin (a.k.a. Smiling Jack)
Dr. Bacon -

I very much enjoyed the Shining pics on you "web page". I like to vote for that as the scariest movie of all time, and would demand that you start some sort of official polling system if I really believed the page was what it purports to be.

but I don't.

in fact, I have proof that this is not a simple site designed for our pleasure and edification but is actually EITHER a cover for a bizarre and nefarious scientific experiment being conducted on us by the government of one of the larger states (probably Texas or California); while it lulls us with this "humor" and this oh so amusing talk of cheese we are actually being guinea-pigged (who knows what kind of rays these computers can EMIT while we sit staring at them dreaming of gorgonzola and looking for reviews of our favorite movies (my point is only further proved by the omission of The Big Lebowski from these pages - only an insane scientist could overlook that film), the rays from the screen soaking into our brains and turning us into what ever kind of sponges these scientists think will sell in today's market) or a scheme thought up by some mad power-obsessed politico to decipher our cheese preferences without us being aware of it, collecting data on what cheese we like that he will then sell illicitly to the highest corporate bidder to finance his run for the state house of representatives, again in either Texas or California.

as evidence for all of this I offer among other things 1. the amount of attention the ridiculous cheese section of this page gets 2. the fact that Williams college is a known hotbed of government controlled political brainwashing ("the berkshires for bush" having been heard there quite loudly lately) 3. the fact that under my last letter, in which I mentioned drinking grain alcohol, was printed a letter from someone purporting to be a nine year-old interested in "peppermint soda" - an obvious state-sponsored response.

god help you, mr. bacon, if you're from texas or california.

stick that in your rants page and smoke it.

as Ralph Wiggum said, "Me fail English? That's unpossible!"

Saucy Jack (you're a naughty one)

p.s. i'd like to see "the imposters" on your movie page. it'll give me something to look at while i'm being brainwashed.
Subject: an old dear friend...
Date: Saturday, January 06, 2001 11:27 AM
dear will —

sorry about all the odd messages. they were mostly written in temporary drunken fits, or in these other strange episodes brought on by th OH MY GOD HERE IT COMES AGAIN I CAN'T FEEL MY LEGS IT'S MAKING ME ouch. so anywho, i'm not such a crazy guy really, it was just those four years at willi STOP FOOLISH EARTHLING WE UNDERSTAND YOUR PUNY PLOW PLOY YOU IDIOT OH SORRY DO NOT THINK THAT BECAUSE WE DO NOT KNOW HOW TO SPELL YOUR LANGUAGE no no wait. don't do this to me. i was good in college. i knew the captains of the crew team. i never wanted to go to that toga par
Subject: you've done it now...
Date: Monday, January 15, 2001 9:15 PM
To you whom I used to consider simpatico —

I see from the aptly titled "
Rants" section (from the Latin - Rantus - "to holler misinformation loudly and in the wrong direction") on your amusing little hobby page that you have the gall to impugn the dignity and honor of Our Man of America, Sir Trent Lott.

This will not stand. I am related to Sir Lott by a long and byzantine lineage which I will not stoop to explain to you, and your attack on him must signal all out war. It's all been fun and games up to now, shakeyknees, but now you're in a deep dark hell hole of trouble. You'll be livin in a hell hole when I get done with you. We'll (Trent and me) drop our weopans of mass destruction on you, you dunderhead! You corn-nibbler!

In short, everything you have written and even believe about Dr. Lott is wrong, ridicillis, absurd. I'm stupified and mortified, shocked and chagrined by this behavior.

To wit: Trent is NOT the most open minded person in history; his brain is NOT a weapon of any sort, certainly not mass destruction (although I am proud to report that it IS like a dull sword - leaving the worst kind of wound); he does NOT provide shelter to families or any other kind of beings; and I have heard him pronounce the word nuclear correctly at least once. He was drunk at the time, but I'm sure he got it right.

so there.

your sworn enemy, Jack.
Subject: your page gone to the dogs
Date: Tuesday, July 03, 2001 4:05 PM
after recently returning from a long sabatical (my school (Chief Joseph Halfhead Middle School ) encourages these sabaticals as long as upon returning we present a presentation using no more than two class periods on a topic of our choice relating to the place we visited - i chose to speak on the migratory paterns of the early cossacks in the eastern steppe, if you want to know) i once again turned my computorial headlights upon your web page and was, alas, sadly disappointed. i have prepared a short list of my greviences (including unfortunately the fact that in the fifth grade we have not yet been taught to spell many of these long words). here they are.

john asscroft? i found that page nearly entirely unintelligable. i don't understand all of those big words and assume that the subtle innuendo is going right over me, not hard to do at 4'5''. is he an attorney or a general? is he the head lawyer in the military, kind of like tom cruise in that few good men movie? is he some kind of general in the army of attorneys? why have i never heard of this army? are they dangerous? is there an underground that is prepared to stop them if they get out of hand? frankly, i found the fact that your article addressed none of these questions very disturbing.

i am also quite disturbed by your disavowal of bullfighting. aren't you a texan? the polls have shown that in your great state, animal cruelty is the second most popular form of entertainment (tormenting grabage men by putting explosives in garbage cans being the first). i think that if you are going to get with the times you ought to take a look at the people around you and try to represent them a little better. i did find some of the pictures a little titilating, though, so that is something.

what the hell is this tyler sage crap? who is this jackass? of all the people you could be spending your of so valuable time and resources finding, this is who you choose? ever heard of a little old someone named bobby fisher? jimmy hoffa? i ran into william burroughs this spring (a shifty character, that one) when my parents took me down to the argentinian pampas for a little r&r, who told me that he faked his death so that he could run for congress as a republican out of iowa under the assumed name of jacob j. jingleheimer... oh the stories i could tell. but no, all you want to know about is your friends. makes me feel like quitting reading your page. again.

lastly, i was terribly saddened to see you endorsing the glide floss. i won't go into the details, as my mom is hollering for me to come down and clean out the garbage disposal, but a family friend was recently killed in a bizarre flossing accident involving said product. it is enough to say there wasn't enough left of his lower jaw to fill a mechanical pencil.

please try to use these hints to inprove your page. as always, your humble servant,


Re: the Official Find Tyler Sage Web Page
From: Beth Sage
Date: Thursday, August 23, 2001 6:25 PM
To: bacon@

This is Tyler Sage's sister-in-law...thanks for the laughs on the web site. B

From: Nantan
To: bacon@
Subject: Very Weird
Sent: Wed, 17 Oct 2001 15:14:24 -0400

Your site is a strange link to someone whose seeking help for low self esteem. Well when my mother got pregnant with me she told my father, who wanted a divorce before she told him. Anyway 13 months later I was born. No mistake about it. 13months. Then he beat me. treated me like an animal. And at age 16 he put a knife to my throat and told me to commit suicide. No music. No pictures.

From a philosophy major at some point in his life
In a course on organic chemistry, it's not unusual or, heaven forbid, demanding too much, to ask the "professor" to correctly pronounce the term associated with the central part of the atom, is it? After all, we're not strictly dealing with atoms here, but really molecules after all, right? We quantitative chemistry types don't associate with those mathematical physics types, do we? Need the question be asked? Regardless, [a perturbably brusque wave of the hand] we find it in our generous, scientific-establishment-blessed hearts, to forgive the pronunciation by lesser souls, the colloquial, the rabble-enriched, the dismissive-of-the-correct, "nuculus". Hell yeah!!

But not from a teacher of organic chemistry. Moreover, we do not forgive her for her youth, for we have the greatest of faith in our perpetually overlooked school and its hiring practices, since we are privy to the knowledge that this is her first semester at the hallowed lectern, such as it is. Perhaps in this instance we show our unexplainable true colors as the oddball wordsmith in the chemistry class, still idly gazing at the same ceiling four semesters in a row, and pondering the impenetrable wisdom of this mysterious department to whom we owe neither allegiance nor loyalty, nor less their distinction, yet we must earn a third of our credits from these cretins. Well, there it is.

I told her no less, yet perhaps without the encouragement the better part of a bottle of wine (1999 Cab Sauv 75%, Merlot 25%, Lost Horizons, Wine of the Western Cape, wot the hell, never had a South African wine before.. not bad, mellow, a bit of berry about it, little short on body, good for impressing friends), yet........

A misspelling in my email which criticized both misspelling and pronunciation. Egads. It's "asceticism", right? No matter. Long gone. Different department now. She noticed it in her reply, that lanky scoundrel. Though now that I think of it she was wrong after all.

The point of all this? Ha, how linear you are! Dare you sully yourself with the mere question! But I deign to continue. Did not Heidegger reject the Cartesian duality? And replace it with the conceptually agreeable, but unfortunately tongue-tangling "Dasein". Somehow it comes as no surprise that Althusser strangled his wife, under the manic impression that he was massaging her neck. But as I said, no matter.

Oh yes. Because in the midst of ravaging the spelling of idiots, a practice that I, steeped in the ethos of traditional academia (you have no idea), generously encourage,
you have committed an error. About a quarter of the way down, in response to "Email from none other than the great philosopher Plato himself" the link is spelled "Rebuttle". It should be "Rebuttal."

Let me know if you have any problems with this.


(you can't miss it—got a cobalt blue bottle and a nifty logo on the label— I'm such a sucker)

You have to love the "about a quarter of the way down." It's so helpful. I mean, how much more helpful can you get?

From: Aaron Craig Geller
Date: Tuesday, November 20, 2001 10:58 AM
To: food@
Subject: Inquiry

Yes... I visited your web site hoping to find a link and/or sub-section where I may buy some women. I didn't seem to find anything along these lines. Is this a mistake and/or is there a page I missed? If you could advise one way or another I would appreciate the assistance. Further, if women are not for sale on your web site [I am not certain of your county's rules and regulations...], perhaps you would be kind enough to recommend a reputable dealer.

Thank you in advance for your time.

Sincerely yours,


From: "Vile Jelly"
To: bacon@
Subject: I don't think you ready for this jelly.
Sent: Mon, 7 Jan 2002 18:05:48 -0500

Media. Politics. Sports. Pop culture.
Rants. Screeds. Diatribes. Philippics.

Vile Jelly is on the air!

Vile Jelly
Mankind at Its Worst

From: ladif*at*icnet.com.ve (Joseph Simpson)
Sent: Wed, 13 Feb 2002 21:49:55 -0400
To: bacon@
Subject: Check Mine Out

Some of your links are okay, some sorta ehh - if you like, check out my site at - not a humour site, strictly speaking, but The Zippy Zoo might be of interest to people of your ilk. I've only ever gotten one unsolicited hit that I know of, but I put this site together primarily to see if I could create and publish a web page (it was a guinea pig.) It's very strange, and often funny, as far as I can tell. Do let me know what you think.

Cheers from the Andes,

Blake Simpson

This was forwarded to me by Reina Heim. It is from Japan with love.
Sent: Saturday, June 15, 2002 6:51 PM
Subject: socoololdschool


Hi Reina !
Thank you for nice card, Why did you move to other place? but there are near last place, are't there?
I am not fine because my parerents dead and the amount of sold of compay is going down. so I am watching
world cup of soccer game every night in TV. Do you know world cup in Korea and Japan is starting?
maybe American and Canada are not famus sport. Korea and Japan can play on first time in final tounament after
game of yesterday, America team can not play in final tounament. Korea and Japanese many people was makeing uproar
in town yesterday. Korea people hate so much at America because unfaire jugement in ice skate game last winter olynpic game.
When Japanese team beat Russian team, There are small riot in Mosco.
The next installment deals with the tricky subject of love, in Japan
Sent: Saturday, JUNE 29, 2002 6:43 PM

So, I have been feeling that I become older recentry so much, I don't understand young people speeking in the offce, and my physical ability is becoming weak before. but I am thinking most importtant things is purpose in my life. Do you have any purpose in your life? I don't have anything now.

You ask me last e-mail that weren't I interested in lady worked in my office building for a while ? Yes, I interrested in her for while, before she retired, she ask me loan \3,000,000 to me,but I didn't rent my money to her, she had spent money for gamble. that ia all.1
you are a woman I belive (see part 1 S&H).

1 Yes indeed. All women do that in Japan. Anyone who saw Peter Greenaway's film Eight and a Half Women would be well familiar with this certainty.

Don't get offended; I didn't mean that as a criticism, necessarily. (Let me apologize in advance for getting postmodern on your ass) You really should read Seduction, but since you won't, or even if you did you'd probably get something different out of it than what I got, possibly because I misunderstood the whole thing, I'll summarize. What fascinates people is not depth, but emptiness. It's a common misconception that the attraction of thinking lies in digging through superficial outer layers to arrive at some fundamental truth, but what really makes something — an idea, a person, or a situation — seductive (or, to put it more weakly, interesting) is a proliferation of superficialities surrounding a central nothingness.

What seduces: standing next to a cliff and looking over it and feeling the urge to jump — not because the cliff causes you to look into yourself and discover some deep despair, but because jumping would be the most meaningless, senseless thing imaginable. Gazing into the eyes of a woman who's face is regular, unblemished, made-up, "beautiful" — not because her eyes and the surrounding beauty allow you to see into her soul, or your own, but because eyes have no depth and because you can sense all the effort that has gone into making her face look a certain way for no good reason. Kliban cartoons — the one where the guy can make $4 a day for thinking of brown chickens or whatever is very similar to a story in Baudrillard's book — seduce by being complex, witty, laden with powerfully evocative imagery that's being used to evoke something utterly nonsensical.

I'm waxing gassy, so I'll try to wind this up. The point is that your website is an exercise in seduction, a massive deployment of intelligence and effort and self-referentiality that draws the reader in not because there is some powerful important truth behind it all, but because all this clever and challenging art/music/writing is serving no purpose whatsoever, because the author has nothing to say, and no real reason for living. And as always, the seducer (that would be you) is the most fully seduced of all.

So of course you aren't interested in giving up your quasi-social experiment shit art in pursuit of "something special." You don't want something special, or at least you don't want anything concrete; you want to be hollow and superficial and brilliant.

All of this sounds like I'm criticizing you, which I'm not. There are a lot of negative connotations to words like seduction and superficial, but I don't think you're a bad person for being obsessed with the meaningless cleverness of your website. Obsession with something meaningless is human nature; the more meaningless, the more it obsesses. It's the people who think they are living for special or true or important causes like God or love who are deluding themselves. Of course, self-delusion is the essence of seduction. (That's what's so great. You can't beat this theory. Try.)

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