The following are excerpts from a drug-free policy at an institution near you.

What are the health risks of alcohol and other drugs?
All drugs of abuse chemically alter the mind, the functions of the body, and motor skills. Most drugs have both short-term and long-term effects. Most are addictive, and withdrawal can cause physiological and emotional problems for the user.

Look-Alikes
Look-Alikes are made to look just like the "real thing." They usually contain caffeine, ephedrine, phenylpropanolamine, aspirin, aspirin substitute, or other non-controlled ingredients. It usually takes a greater quanitity of look-alike drugs to achieve any effect.

Intravenous drug use
In addition to the adverse effects associated with the use of specific drugs, intravenous drug users who use unsterilized needles or who share needles with other drug users can develop AIDS, hepatitis, tetanus, and other infectious diseases. Permanent brain damage can occur with some of these diseases.

And what are people doing when they are not using drugs? They're engaged in a variety of activities such as varnishing wooden cabinets, expurgating manuscripts and trying to help wretched people like you and me.

• Do someone real nice?
• Make more people?

Where do I sign up?