printer-friendly buying list

 

by William Emmanuel Bugg

▲

 

What Just Happened

 

Cold Bacon’s Canned Food Reviews

 

“The sage embraces things. Ordinary men discriminate among them and parade their discriminations before others. So I say, those who discriminate fail to see.”

 

—    The Chuang Tzu

 

Some introduction might go here. This will do.


Stouffer’s, Lean Cuisine, Weight Watchers, Ethnic Gourmet, Amy’s, Other!

 

Who Is Reading This Page

 

Canned Soups

 

Due to the current economic system here in America, the price of Campbell’s and Progresso soup are roughly the same, even though they are manufactured by two different companies. Amazing. Soups listed in no particular order. No, really.


Progresso

 

Split Pea (4.0)   
Wonderful pea flavor. Nice little pea bodies floating around in a cloud green witch’s brew. The strength of this pea soup lies in the off-dry (halbtrocken) texture. Reminiscent of the fabled Habitant’s split pea and quite unlike the Campbell’s plastic thick incarnation. Best with some coarsely chopped ham, spices, and yes, the sharpest cheddar cheese.
(2) Like Health Valley and Campbell’s version, has a similarly too-thick broth. But at least here, the gloop seems to consist of earthy pea matter as opposed to random-undisclosed thickening agent. (3.5)


Chickarina (4.5)
Chicken soup with meatballs. Wait, are these meatballs? Chicken balls?! That’s fantastic! The soup that everyone loves to say (and “google”). It’s the good, solid chicken broth that keeps people coming back. The chicken balls are great too. They’re not “mouth drying” like a lot of canned chicken is. It is recommended to dip some rustic bread in the broth. Grated Grana Padano is the recommended cheese. Grate first and ask questions later.

Beef Barley (3.5)
Nice barley flavored broth. Little pieces of beef. Barley? Carrots. I have nothing bad to say about it.

Beef and Vegetable (3.5)
Good beef broth flavor. Very soft vegetables. The beef tastes similar to that in Campbell’s sirloin burger. Hard to imagine, I realize, but I actually think it’s a little leaner than that in Campbell’s. And when you’re doing it for nostalgia, lean isn’t the point. So I’m actually going to have to go with Campbell’s here.

Lentil Soup (3.5) (Progresso Fat Free)
Lentils are wonderful. Slightly smooth but pleasantly chalky texture. They also just taste healthy. Anyway, I think it might be really good to add some chalky-style chevre to lentil soup and really accentuate that texture. A mildly grassy flavored (not to lemony) chevre would be just right, I think.

 

French Onion Soup (3.0)
It’s okay, but it really doesn’t have much flavor. I would think it tastes more like consume than French onion soup. Oh well.

Minestrone (3.0)
The sauce walks the line between tomato and non-specific broth. I would think a minestrone should be more like a beef or vegetable broth but more clear and little tomato. It’s hearty though and the vegetables all turn in solid performances. Jeff Goldblum as the white bean of the apocalypse was a stroke of brilliance.

Potato and Ham (with Cheese) (3.0)
With cheese is right. I think I found 3 pieces of ham in the entire soup, and for all I know, it may have been chicken dressed up like ham. Alright. Not bad. Not sure. May try again. Even thicker than your typical clam chowder.

Vegetarian Vegetable with Barley (3.01)
Tomato, but not too much tomato. Pretty good.

Bean and Macaroni (2.5)
Bean and pasta just doesn’t go together, as far as I’m concerned. That’s why, like, you’ve never been in an Italian restaurant that served you a bean and pasta dish. Duh. Not badly executed, just a bad concept. And these are my boys too, which is a bit disconcerting.

Zesty Herb Tomato (2.5)
Smooth. It’s zesty, boy is it ever zesty. I give them credit for the liberal use of herbs and for having a strong taste. Unfortunately, the finish is at least partially nauseating. I can’t put my finger on what it is, but I really can’t have this again. But you should try it.

Corn Chowder (2.0)
It’s gloopy!


Campbell’s

 

Sirloin Burger (4.0)
Same distinctive little sirloin rounds you remember from when you were a kid. They sort of defy logic in that they’re too solid to be ground sirloin and yet they’re to crumbly and chewable to actually be steak pieces. I think what they are is ground sirloin that has been compressed into little rounds and then grilled to perfection, because burgers are always grilled to perfection. Beans, potato and carrots and peas too. The broth is thick, very thick. It’s an artery clogger, but hey. It’s a classic. Smells a little like dog food to if you put your face right into the bowl. Hey now.

Potato and Cheese and Chicken and Broccoli   
The chicken is stringy, verging on sticky, rather than the usual dry, chunk of breast. Also, the chicken and potato pieces are just the right size, and the flavor exceeds expectations. Great choice.

Italian Wedding (4.0)
Italian wedding. Or some odd name like that. It’s actually pretty good. Spinach and nice mini-meatballs. Has a peculiar and distinctive Italian herb flavor. I can’t deny it.

Steak, Baked Potato and Cheese (4.0)
Congested with oversized blocks of potato, this soup fails to capture to essence of a baked potato. The flavor is okay, but the broth is too thick and filling.

Honey Roast Chicken With Golden Potatoes (3.5)
The broth is excellent. I’m totally down with the honey roasted, but I don’t what they’re talking about ‘golden potatoes’. They’re the same potatoes you get in all of their creations. The chicken is as honey roasted as anything would be after 5 seconds in that broth. But sadly, it’s not much different than the usual overly dry textured soup meat. My big idea would be if they could just sell me the broth without the meat. You know, let me worry about the meat. If you know what I mean. I could cook some fresh or even frozen chicken and it would be better. Then we’d be talking.

Chicken, Broccoli, Cheese and Potato (3.5)
Chicken, Broccoli, Cheese, Potato and the oligarchs only without the oligarchs. Actually, the base is a bit too thick. It’s one of those heat it up and it’s liquid—let it cool and it wants to solidify. And don’t even try reasoning with it. This really isn’t a bad number, it’s just that you can’t stop once you start. If you hesitate, you may suddenly feel sick. It’s like in Wages of Fear when they’re driving that liquid nitro over that treacherous road. If you keep going full speed, you might fly right over the potholes. Or you could go really really slow and go around the potholes. But go medium speed or change speeds. And it’s kaboo-kabam, see y’a in hell’s soup kitchen.

Southwestern Style Corn Chowder (3.5)
Looks great coming out of the can. That’s about all I want to say about it at this time.

Chicken Rice (3.5) (Campbell’s Select)
Standard chicken broth. No complaints. The one thing I’ll say for it is that the carrot and particularly the potato pieces are attractively cut in wedges, which marks a departure from the random vegetable fractionation of bygone days. It’s kind of a post-modern vegetable soup. Of course, the chicken is still bone dry.

Vegetable Beef (3.0) (Campbell’s, Home Cooking)
Good enough with a nice, thin broth. Soft carrots, celery. Harder potato pieces. Good to add toasted bread (perhaps rustic flavored).

Tomato Ravioli with Vegetable (3.0)
Good soup overall. The tomato broth is slightly shady but not right nasty. Comb in the pocket or condom in the wallet, but not both.

Sirloin and Hearty Vegetable (2.5)
Dryish pasta, but good flavor. A little too thick and rich on the sauce. If I wanted that much fat in it, I’d make it myself.

Chicken with Dumpling (2.5) (Campbell’s, Home Cooking)
Broth is very thick and creamy/cheesy? It’s very thick. It’s okay, but it just seems silly. The dumplings remind of little gnocchi’s. It would be better to buy some gnocchi. It’s okay.

Chicken with Egg Noodles (2.5) (Campbell’s, Home Cooking)
Good broth. Egg noodles are kind of chewy, but I think that’s how they want it. The chicken is fairly dry and thready, so swallow carefully to avoid a dry gizzard moment.

Ravioli
Funny, off-putting “tomato that’s seen too much metal” taste. There is just no need to buy ravioli in a can when you can get it refrigerated or at least frozen just twenty feet away. I don’t care how poor you are.

Wolfgang Puck’s

 

I first bought one of these soups because it had Wolfgang Puck’s name and picture on it. And let me tell you it was a wise choice. These are surely the best tasting line of canned soups ever. Ever.

 

Wolfgang Puck Soups Organic Creamy Broccoli (4.5)
Delicious. Different. ~260 (2) not too creamy (like it TOTALLY would be if it were Campbell’s) cream of broccoli ~261

Wolfgang Puck French Onion (3.5)

Not mind-blowing, but pretty good.

 

Wolfgang Puck Spicy Bean (4.5)

Awesome. Beans are smooth. Flavor is very good. Wow. Just wow. Is all I have to say.

 

Wolfgang Puck Tortilla Soup (4.0)

Solid.

 

Wolfgang Puck Old Fashioned Potato Soup (4.0)

Wonderful. But ridiculously rich. It is recommended to cut with a small amount of water and divide into two servings. ~400 (yeah)


Wolfgang Puck Soups Organic Split Pea (4.0)
Very good. Very good. A balance between actual split-pea graininess and Puckish smoothality. ~340 (seems a lot)
(2) Par. Compared to other less celebrity-inspired brands.


Other Canned Soups

 

Amy’s (low fat) Split Pea (3.5)

It’s nice. It’s totally different in flavor than all other brands. ~200

 

Health Valley (Fat-Free) Vegetable Barley (3.5)
Vegetable? Barley? Hell, why not? Why not? It’s good. Nice full-barley barley flavor. For a real treat, sprinkle on some hard Italian grater (or Alpine cheese). Ooh, and have with a Belgian ale too, like Corsendonk. To really get a picture. Ooh, and maybe have it with a square of that Kavli whole-grain crispbread, for that really rustic flavor.

Chicken, Rotini and Vegetable (3.5)
Standard. But not bad. Chicken dry. I forgot what brand this was.

Shari Ann’s Potato and Cheddar (3.0)
More potato than cheddar. In fact, not really much cheddar at all. Good natural taste, but rather watery too.

Healthy Choice Fiesta Chicken (3.0)
Not really much of a fiesta here. Not so much, no. More similar to just regular chicken and rice soup. It does have some corn bits and a few chicken pieces. Still, no fiesta really. Ooooh, a pinto bean!

Healthy Choice Creamy Tomato (3.0)
It’s creamy. It’s tomato. It’s fine. At least it’s not zesty. ~240

Healthy choice Country Glazed Chicken (3.0) (chicken tenderloins in an herbed sauce with mushrooms and rice)

Rice a little tough, although I like the way they work in the 1:10 brown:white ratio. It’s a nice attempt at diversity. Big mushroom slivers. A glaze is a glaze by any other name, especially with Healthy Choice. Big chicken pieces (tenders I guess). This entrée has standard written all over it. But hey, a country has to have ‘em.

 

Muir Glenn “Savory” Lentil Soup (3.0)

Emphasis on soup. This is a soup with lentils in it and not a thick batch of lentils with some liquid (like you expected). It’s fine and healthy tasting, but the lentils aren’t cooked enough so they haven’t released their starch and made that wonderful chalky texture you want. ~260

 

Muir Glenn Split Pea (3.0)

Separation—is the thing—in this take on the classic. The broth is a decent liquid. The peas are quite tough—not that they’re not cooked through enough—just saying—they’re intact—and you will notice it. What I’m trying to say is that this version of split pea makes you wonder if the original versions should be called cream of pea soup? Angry peas.


Health Valley Split Pea (3.0)
Flavor okay but broth ridiculously thick. Gloop.

Walnut Acres Split Pea (2.5)
Pretty much extremely ordinary.

Healthy choice Zesty Gumbo (2.5) (with chicken and sausage)

Please. This is mediocre stuff. Limited flavor. The broth is the standard Campbell’s medium-light tomato/beef based broth. The chicken and sausage is dry as hell. Basically, you could put a shake of cumin on this and it would be an inferior tortilla soup. Whatever.


Amy’s Organic Cream of Mushroom (2.5)
This would be good if it didn’t have little bits of, go figure, mushrooms in it. I mean really, they’re too many of them, and they’re too little. They’re squiggly. They should be pureed. Maybe they want to prove the mushrooms are in there because they’re afraid people won’t trust them. I would have trusted them.

Shari Ann’s Garlic French Onion Soup (2.5)
Okay. Doesn’t quite live up to name. Very subtle burnt taste. Maybe it’s the garlic. Maybe it’s the onion. It’s harder to burn onion, but anything’s possible.

Health Valley Potato and Leek soup (2.5)
And that’s exactly what happened to the flavor in this one. It leaked out. Seriously, you’ll have to add your own teaspoon of heavy cream and 1 g of salt before you’ll even know your eating something. Is this what they would eat in those Russian work camps they always told you about as a kid?

Baxter Healthy Reward French Onion Soup (2.0)
Really quite bad. My reward included three pieces of non-chewable fiber pretending to be onion.

Health Valley Curried butternut squash (1.5)
The curry tastes chalky like seven year old turmeric powder. I mean, my god, I have some thirty year old turmeric powder in my cabinet, which I took from my mother’s house. Now that really is chalk. But it’s not like I’d try to fucking sell it? Blech!

 

 

Dried Soups (to be resurrected)

 

Lipton Cup-a-Soup Tomato with Croutons (5.0)

Seriously. This is awesome. This is just awesome. A tiny little packet, and all you have to do is add water? And it’s this good? Why on earth would anyone bother with a canned tomato soup when there’s this? And you can adjust the amount of water to suit your needs. Thick, thin, other? Awesome. No really. This is awesome. The croutons are cute. But just put in some rustic bread (of your own). ~90

 

Lipton Cup-a-Soup Creamy Chicken Soup (3.5)

Good. I like this better than the regular chicken noodle. I think this one just has more flavor. The slight creaminess is welcome.

 

Chicken Cup-a-Soup Noodle Soup (3.0)

Classic. Ordinary. The tiny bits of chicken and noodle are almost annoying because they tease you and make you wish there were real chicken and noodles rather just tiny little bits. I’m serious. There is definitely a real psychological phenomenon here.

 

The Spice Hunter (blending spicy spices with healthy ingredients)

 

Chicken Noodle (3.0)

Noodles take too long to soften and by then your soup is cold. This is a silly product. On the other hand. It does have a nice spicy kick as far as chicken soups go.

 

            Creamy Thai Noodle (1.5)

            Lame. Very very lame. Terrible. Ridiculous. Go away. I hate you. For wasting my meal. My time. My life. Die.

           

 

Canned Beans

 

Bush Beans

Bush Baked Beans are one of the best kept secrets among EZ gourmets everywhere. They taste great out of the can, but can also be dressed up with a variety of cheeses and other EZ additions to make a delicious meal. And beans contain a lot of protein and little fat. Moreover, Bush Beans in particular come in very high quality cans that are always a cinch to open, unlike some other cans that drive you crazy with the can-opener. If their beans could talk, like Allens’ beans, they would say, let me go.

The Little Bird Says: Hasn’t this idiot seen Campbell’s new peel-off tops?

Bold and Spicy (4.5)
More red bean flavor (kidney beans that is, red gold...) Monterrey jack and sour cream are the perfect match. To the Northeast quadrant. Get a friggin’ clue. Please stock this on your shelves. (They don’t.)

Original (brown sugar) (4.0)
I didn’t know “original” was a type of flavor, but these ARE melt in your mouth beans. Try with cheddar, or even goat cheese is not bad (if a little odd). Brown sugar beans can also be enhanced by pineapple (fresh would be nice, but canned pineapple is better than no pineapple).

Homestyle (4.0)
Still with that brown sugar - “how come you taste so good!”

Maple Cured Bacon (4.0)
Not a lot different from the original flavor, but even the thought of Maple Syrup is enough to generate interest.

Baked Beans with Onions (3.5)
Bring back your memories of French onion soup and a warm baguette in the wonderful French Alps. Cheese matches include Taleggio but not so much cheddar.

Vegetable (3.0)
Very smooth. Delicate. As a baked bean can be. These are fine. They’re just like any other Bush Beans. Big, soft, giving. Nothing to complain about. But nothing to be afraid of, or excited by either, really. Let’s go to Peru.

Baked Beans with Honey (3.0)
What does honey mean you’re supposed to put honey on it? Cause I’m not tasting a whole of honey here. Ha ha. No I guess there’s some honey flavor. Wow. Anyway. Underwhelming. I’m so full of shit, though. Let’s be honest. If these did have more honey flavor, I’d probably be complaining that there was too much honey flavor. What’s with all this excessive honey flavor? Not subtle enough. Ha. I suck.

Boston Recipe (2.5)
Almost good.

Chili Beans (2.0)
Surprisingly bland offering from my beloved Bush company. Wouldn’t give them the time of day and certainly would not buy them again.

Barbecue (1.5)
Definitely not. Barbe-not-cul.

Others

B & M Baked Beans – Barbecue (4.0)
Fantastic. And says on can “vegetarian friendly.” Not exactly sure what that means, but the beans is great.

B & M Baked Beans – Bacon and Onion (3.5)
Nice faintly burnt BBQ flavor. Not quite sure how it justifies the (brace yourself) ~665/16oz can.

Van Camp’s Barbecue Flavor (Hickory) (3.5)
On the can, Van Camp’s states their beans beat Bush’s by 2 to 1 in a taste-off. We’ll see about that. To our surprise, these barbecue beans are definitely better than Bush’s version. Why? Because they have more smoke and less vinegar. The only reason they don’t get 4.0 is because they actually use raisins pretending to be beans rather than real beans. These “beans” are too tough and scraggily, and don’t “melt in your mouth.”

Allen’s Baked Beans (3.0)
Not bad. Flavor is more charred, country, rustic and so on and so forth.

Texas Ranch Style – Barbecue (2.5)
Nein better than Bush Barbecue flavored beans, and the beans aren’t even as big and smooth as Bush’s. Gets the grand ol’ eh.

Van Camp’s Sauteed Onion with Molasses (2.5)
Very browned, BBQ-type flavor. Very browned, indeed. If you like this type of flavor, it is certainly distinct and worth trying. The beans are, again, tougher than the ones that Bush uses.

 

Email From: brightone

 

Van Camp’s Pork and beans
The label says America s Favorite they must mean their favorite drink I poured off half the can before I reached any beans. The poorest brand I have ever bought.

 

Campbell’s Baked Beans (2.0)
Compared to Bush beans, these beans are so bland I almost feel sorry for them, sorry for Campbell’s, sorry for anyone who eats them, sorry for me. It must be like reading some of my site and then going off and reading something else.

 

Canned Chili

 

Once you start talking about chili, you’re obviously not concerned with calories or nutritional content. The only thing that matters here is which ones taste better.

Bush’s Country Style (4.5)
Awesome.

Wolf Brand Chili with Beans (4.0)

Greasy and nasty. I don’t even think it’s real meat. I love it.

Amy’s Spicy (4.0)
Okay, I’m really starting to wonder what Amy looks like. But alas, I don’t think I shall ever know.
(2) Now this is great stuff. Spicy and in-a-can. Great stuff.

Amy’s Organic Vegetarian Vegetable (3.5)
It’s organic. I start shelling out money whenever anything says organic.  (I hate people who make this type of lame joke.)

Health Valley Mild Vegetarian Chili (3.0)
Okay. Pretty ordinary. Has a hint of that vegetarian bacon sort of flavor. Not over-the-top, but I can’t deny it. ~320/can

Health Valley spicy vegetarian (3.0)

Pretty much the same as the mild. In fact, I kind of think it is the mild vegetarian chili. Or maybe my Nexium is working too well lately (read of late). ~320

 

Healthy Valley (3.0)
Chili with lentil? It’s okay.

Chili Man (2.5)
Is this a name or a directive? Anyway, it’s alright. Didn’t really like the flavor that much. Ahem, and that matters.

 

 

Canned Seafood (Hell’s Third Creation)

 

Campbell’s New England Clam Chowder (1.0)
Disgusting. Awful. I will never eat this again. So bad. So very bad.

Progresso New England Clam Chowder (NR)
How could I possibly try this after what I experienced with Campbell’s NECC. I win by defaulting.

 

 

 

Jarred Pasta Sauce

 

First of all, however much pasta sauce you’re using, is too much. Take about half of that. The idea is to coat the pasta, not drown it. Not only will it create a more balanced dish, but you’ll actually be able to enjoy the flavor of the pasta as well. Never mind the long-term savings on TUMS.

 

Classico

 

Okay. I used  to think Classico ruled the earth. Then I didn’t eat jarred pasta sauce for a few years. Then I discovered Nexium and started back into it. Anyway, I just had a Classico Tomato and Basil (otherwise known as “regular”) and I was not impressed. Not impressed at all. There just isn’t much flavor in there now is there? Someone else told me this had—wait—I here someone knocking…

 

“that’s a nice long catalog - btw I can’t believe you ate all those diet meals, eek. I like the Ethnic Cuisines too, Palak Paneer was my personal favorite. Ate a lot of that while we were moving w all our stuff packed up. I have to disagree w your ratings on Classico, I find it very bland. I used to like it years ago but I feel like they changed their recipes? Who knows. For jarred sauces I think I like Bertolli the best.” – E

 

Classico Italian sausage with peppers and onions (4.0)
Sausage takes it to another level. Good stuff. Really good stuff.

Classico Portobello mushroom (3.5)
Not all that much porcini flavor, but not bad, and you do see an occasional chunk of mushroom, which is reassuring. Actually, it’s my favorite Classico flavor at the moment. (Because you wanted to know that.)

 

Classico Tomato and Basil (3.0)
Standard. Good for adding other reagents such as cheeses, sausage, a ford F-150.

 

Amy’s Premium

 

Amy’s Premium (organic garlic mushroom) (4.0)
Very nice, deep mushroom, garlic flavor–nice, thick texture

Amy’s Premium (organic garlic mushroom) (4.0)
Very nice, deep mushroom, garlic flavor–nice, thick texture

 

Amy’s Premium Puttanesca (3.5)

It’s fine. Nothing to complain about so far.

 

Seeds of Change


Seeds of Change Roasted Garlic and Onion (4.0)
Delicious. These Seeds of Change people are not afraid to use–

Seeds of Change Tomato and Basil (3.5)
Pretty good. Says new product on the top. What if every new product said that on the top of it? Wait–

Seeds of Change Santa Fe (3.5)
Really unusual. Not that it doesn’t taste like Santa Fe with its little niblets of corn and Southwest seasonings. It does. But what’s strange is that it actually is good. It’s like some tortilla soup turned tomato sauce. Hot damn. Call me a blue tortilla chip, but I’m tickled.

 

365 (Whole Foods Market)

 

>Yes, Classico... bait & switch, I'm telling you.

 >

>Due to a tight budget I've been buying a lot of Whole Foods 365 brand foods lately...

> some of them are pretty good. The tortilla chips for example... nice flavor & thickness... 

>I'll have to start putting down some notes for you on this stuff.

                >

                >E

               

                            Notes for me on this stuff:

 

“Whole Foods' store brand pasta sauces come in two varieties: organic for about $2.50 and non-organic for $2.00 (25oz jar in either case). I've yet to try the organic because I'm broke and I need that .50 for gruel. I can only imagine how amazing the organic sauce is, because the regular 365 is damn good. There are distinct flavors to these sauces, flavors besides winter tomato. Compare this with Bertolli, which retails for something like $3.49 for a 6oz phial. When you buy Bertolli, you're partly paying for the feeling of buying something authentic and high quality. The problem is, the production costs for this feeling are so high that there is not much operating budget left for actual authentic or high quality ingredients. With the 365 brand, feelings of superiority are built into the overhead (ie you are shopping at Whole Foods in the first place) so more is invested into making the sauce actually taste good. The Roasted Garlic tastes like roasted garlic. The Roasted Vegetables has a noticeable tang of vegetable matter. The Roasted Red Pepper tastes okay. And the Marinara really tastes like freshly killed marinara. I'll have to get back to you on the organic line, after I buy some more scratch tickets. I'm feeling good about Digg'in for Gold this week. – E”

 

365 Brand Tomato and Basil (3.5)
It’s fine. This is Whole Foods’ proprietary blende.

 

365 Brand Marinara (2.5)
Too many questionable mushroom bodies.

 

The Others

 

Cucina Antica Arrabiata (4.0)
Yes. It is double the price of every other pasta sauce on the shelf. I was skeptical. Says made from important San Marzano Italian plum tomatoes. I was skeptical. And even when I tried it, I didn’t immediately understand what was so special about this tomato sauce. I mean, this just tastes like any old pasta dish I would have had when I was in Italy. Oh, wait a minute. Yes. That’s good.
(2) Had again and this time it seems way overspicy. This is a totally different sauce. It’s too spicy and not the same flavor as the other time I had it. Huh? Italian food should be this spicy? 7/05


Federzoni (Traditional Balsamic) (3.5)
Very spicy. Tangy. Smooth texture. But I would rather just buy some fresher tasting tomato sauce and add my own balsamic to it.

Five Brothers (3.5)
Tomato and roasted garlic – good – not as liquidy – chunks of tomato – very roasted flavor without being oppressively roasted as – what’s that cheap, bad one ? no binding – water and solids tend to separate – actually quite dramatic!

Colavita Puttanesca (3.5)
Very good actually. It really does have little olive pieces...and even capers. Somewhat spicy too. I know I was pleasantly surprised.

Newman’s Own Marinara (3.0)

Look, marinara is never good. At least I’ve never had a good marinara in a jarred pasta sauce. You’d do better just adding your own wine to some “normal” pasta sauce. And if you don’t always have a bottle of wine you can just pour into it and simmer a bit, then why do I care (about you)?

Prego (made with mushrooms) (2.5)
It’s alright but not that great. There was no evidence of mushrooms.

Ragu (NR)
I’m reluctant to try Ragu pasta sauce at this time.

Sutter Home Roasted Garlic (2.5)
Okay. I don’t really need bad merlot in my pasta sauce.

 

Dried Pasta

 

Basic rule of thumb: if it comes in a brown bag, it’s good. Plastic bag, maybe. Cardboard box, you’re still in school.

 

 

Frozen Foods (Don’t Stay Frozen)

 

Stouffer’s Not-Lean Cuisine

Okay, let’s face it. If it doesn’t say Lean Cuisine, that’s because it most definitely is not. This is fat cuisine. These items are all delicious, and I assure you it’s not because Stouffer’s discovered the secret to great tasting but nutritious food. Take the ‘cheese filled ravioli’, it has 470 calories, 200 from fat. Oh my god. That’s almost half the entire entrée—fat. 22 grams of fat. That’s a lot of fat. I’m not saying these things aren’t great. Because they are. I’m just saying that’s a lot of calories from fat—is all I’m sayin’. But we still have to figure out which ones are better than others.

French Bread Pizza (5.0)
Please.

Manicotti (new recipe) (4.5)
There are two manicotti rolls in this and both of them are wonderful. Press a spoon into it, see the white manicotti rush out. This one, my brothers, is the real thing. They changed the recipe during a recent generalized sweeping motion that occurred a few months ago at Stouffer’s. None of the changes were welcome, but not all of them were bad. Separate but equal, my brothers. Separate but equal.

Stouffer’s Monterrey Chicken (4.0)

Sweet potatoes; holy shit! This is wild. Wild stuff. Great stuff. This is probably my favorite Stouffer’s meal right now. No kidding.

 

Cheese Filled Ravioli And Rigatoni (4.0)
Solid—or, okay, gooey. But very good. This one really actuates the signal if you know what I mean.

Chicken Pot Pie (4.0) (a golden crust surrounding pieces of all white meat chicken, peas, carrots, celery & onions, in a gravy made with real cream)
This is really good, but you should bake it. Microwave won’t get the same flaky crust, which is the whole point, and why this really deserves a 4.0, possibly 4.5. ~730 (400 from fat; oh my lord, strike everything I just said before (about actually buying this; wow).

Roasted Chicken Ravioli (Italian Style) (3.5)
Ravioli are fine, sauce is fine. The only problem is the chicken itself is, I fear, slightly too dry? Or something. There is something not entirely optimal about the chicken inside. The rest is basically the same as the Ravioli with cheese–which is the one you should buy instead.

Italian Sausage Stuffed Rigatoni (3.5)
It’s pretty much sausage stuffed rigatoni.

Stouffer’s Tuna Noodle Casserole (3.0) (tuna, egg, noodles, mushrooms and celery in a creamy sauce)

Same as Tuna. It seems over the years they’ve decreased the number of those awkward mushrooms they used to include. That’s good. ~360

 

Stouffer’s Chicken Noodle Casserole (3.0) (tender white meat chicken, egg, noodles, mushrooms and celery in a creamy sauce)

Same as tuna, except chicken. I don’t know. Whatever. I think we can do better for 370 calories.

 

Five Cheese Lasagna (2.5)
Really not very good. The cheese is uninspired. The pasta is as slippery as it is boring. Not even in same league as Italian Sausage Lasagna (not reviewed here).

 

Stouffer’s Vegetable Lasagna (2.5) (lasagna layered with a colorful medley of carrots, spinach, broccoli & onions with a parmesan & Romano cheese sauce)

Not enough Romano flavor in béchamel. A bland béchamel. Vegetables okay. Still not worth ~390. Maybe they should be less worreid about colorful and more worreid about flavor.

 

And now all these NEW versions of old Stouffer’s classics are creating huge questions—Is the new manicotti better than the original? I remember initially thinking it wasn’t. I remember swearing up and down. “How could they—?” “Well I’ll never—” I even started a letter. “January 3,” I wrote. But that was a long time ago now. And if you ask me now, “Is the new manicotti better than the original?” Probably it is, and probably it isn’t. To be honest, I really don’t know.

 

Stouffer’s Lean Cuisine


Santa Fe Style Rice and Beans (4.5)
Awesome.

Chicken Enchilada Suiza (4.5) (with a sour cream sauce and Mexican-style rice)
Still not exactly sure what Suiza means, but this is really good. Peppy little orange-tinted rice in one compartment and a nice little corn-rolled delight in another.

Three Cheese Stuffed Rigatoni (4.5) (with vegetables in a fire-roasted tomato sauce)
Amazingly good cheese/tomato stuffing/flavor. I don’t normally buy into this corny line but, “How can this possibly be only 240?”

Lean Cuisine Grilled Chicken & Penne Pasta (4.5) (chicken tenderloins, penne pasta and vegetables in a garlic herb sauce, with caramel apple dessert) ~330

Awesome.


Three Bean Chili (4.0) (with rice, peppers, fire roasted tomatoes and corn)
Awesome. Sounds like something Frylock would make for Meatwad on the ATHF.

Macaroni and Cheese (4.0) (tender macaroni in a delicious gooey cheese-like sauce)
I really think this is great. It really is a classic, and you would think being the Lean version, it might lack flavor. No. It’s still great. I recommend having it with an IPA (India Pale Ale). LC sets the standard in diet Macaroni & Cheese.

Chicken in Peanut Sauce (4.0) (chicken tenderloins and vegetables over whole wheat pasta)

Yeah, this really is good. It’s a bit on the dark, rich side. But it’s got good chicken pieces, good wheat noodles, some crunchy green peas (snap peas) and the sauce has some flavor. It’s fine.

 

Lemon Chicken (4.0) (lightly breaded chicken breast with rib meat in lemon glaze with brown rice risotto)

Great rice side (risotto? Well, it is good anyway). Chicken good too, Will try again.

 

Chicken Fried Rice (3.5) (rice and white meat chicken mixed with crispy vegetables and eggs in an awesome sauce)

It’s good.

 

Penne Pasta (3.5) (with tomato and basil sauce)
The 0.5 is because it’s lean.

Cheese Lasagna Florentine Bake (3.5)
Not bad. Good.

Cheese Ravioli (3.5) (with chunky tomato sauce
It’s pretty good. Very light. But good.

Cheese Lasagna (3.5) (with lightly breaded chicken breast scaloppini)
Do two half-entrees make one? The early bird catches the worm.

Roasted Potatoes, Broccoli & Cheddar Cheese Sauce (3.5)
It’s good. It’s a lot of cheese sauce. But it’s good. Good broccoli. Good potatoes. Good.

Fettuccini Alfredo (3.0)
Noodles are fine, but the alfredo sauce has a slightly strange taste (to it).

LC Lasagna with Meat Sauce (3.0) (with ricotta, mozzarella, romano and parmesan cheeses)

It’s fine. Gooey. ~320


Panini Series (2.5) (e.g. steak, cheddar and mushroom)
This is this new line of LC panini things which you can to fold the box all around into this funny pretend little griddle (remember those play ovens as a child). Anyway, it comes out with difficult-to-cut plastic-y bread pieces. The topping portions are—it doesn’t matter because you shouldn’t be buying these. I even tried completely ignoring their explicit instructions to NOT use a conventional oven. I used a conventional oven. The result was a more crunchy bread, but still barely a (3.0). So I still recommend not buying these.

 

Chicken


Chicken Enchilada Suiza (4.0) (with a sour cream sauce and Mexican-style rice)
All these years, and I am still trying to figure out what a suiza is. No matter. This is a perfectly good dish. A dainty enchilada. A little tamer than a greasy taqueria, but perhaps this is what you want.

Chicken Pecan (3.5) (roasted chicken tenderloins in a caramelized orange sauce, snap peas, brown rice and pecans)
(1) It’s okay, but it’s definitely not as exciting as it sounds.
(2) Had this again, and I have to admit the brown rice and snap peas really are growing on me. I suppose this one really is pushing (4.0). It’s probably only a matter of time at this point.

Rosemary Chicken (3.5) (roasted chicken tenderloins in a garlic-rosemary sauce, spinach and brown rice)
This is pretty good if you like rosemary chicken and a garlic-rosemary sauce, spinach and brown rice. As you can tell by the accurate box-picture, the brown rice is not pure brown rice side, which would be nearly inedible, as pure brown rice is (believe me). No, it’s a nice mixture of brown rice, spinach, and little squigglets of carrot, onions and a lot of too-numerous to mentions. The point is it’s actually a very peculiar and complicated dish (for lean-cuisine, weight watching-type fare). Indeed. Makes me want a gin.

Baked Chicken Florentine (3.5) (white meat chicken in a creamy spinach and parmesan sauce with carrots and yellow peppers)
Good spinach and parmesan sauce.

Chicken with Almonds (3.5) (chicken tenderloins with rice, green beans, carrots and broccoli)
Pretty good.

Chicken Carbonara (3.5) (roasted chicken tenderloins with bacon and mushrooms over linguini)
I thought this was pretty good actually. Mushrooms were more subtle than I would have predicted.

Lemongrass Chicken (3.5) (roasted chicken tenderloins in lemongrass-coconut sauce, brown rice and vegetables)
Indeed.

Grilled Chicken & Penne Pasta (3.5) (chicken tenderloins with pasta and vegetables in a garlic herb sauce)
It’s good. The little broccoli are cute.

Grilled Chicken Caesar (3.5) (grilled white meat chicken with broccoli and garlic floured radiatore pasta in a parmesan-caesar sauce)
Radiatore?

Chicken L’Orange (3.0)
Chicken L’Orange is an inferior concept versus duck. That aside. The chicken in this dish is fine. But it’s the rice portion we need to talk about. Simply stated, it’s quality. Basic polished, white rice dotted (1:10) with wild rice. I think this is a very smart ratio of wild to white rice. Because wild rice is no joke. You have to really go all out, with butter and determination. Or else it could be trouble. Wild rice, like yams. Can overpower. So again, I applaud this mixture concept, in this particular case, even though it does conflict with my normal pure-pure agenda. Needs salt.

Chicken Florentine (3.0) (chicken tenderloins and garden vegetables in a mild cheese sauce with pasta)
It’s fine. When I open my restaurant someday in the South End, remind me not to write ‘mild cheese sauce’ anywhere on the menu. Thanks.

Sweet and Sour Chicken (3.0) (chicken tenderloins in a tangy sweet and sour sauce with long grain white rice)
It’s good but it needs to be a touch more sour (it’s a shade too sweet as it is)

Thai Chicken (3.0)
Tomato sauce doesn’t go nearly far enough toward Thai coconut-curry and away from basic Italian tomato sauce. I mean, it goes some of the way. But please. They’re hardly fooling anyone. Still. Let me find a better alternative for < 240 calories before I go too hard on it.

Thai Style Chicken (3.0) (grilled chicken tenderloins in a mild roasted red pepper sauce with a rice medley)
Not bad.

Grilled Chicken Teriyaki (3.0) (marinated white meat chicken in a tangy teriyaki sauce with white rice and vegetables)
Not bad.

Chicken Florentine (3.0) (chicken Tenderloins and Garden Vegetables in a Mild Cheese Sauce with Pasta)
It’s fine. When I open my restaurant someday in the South End, remind me not to write ‘mild cheese sauce’ anywhere on the menu. Thanks.

Chicken a L’Orange (3.0)
Of course the chicken pieces are dinky and thin. But as far as frozen a l’Orange goes, it’s ok.

Chicken Chow Mein (3.0) (white meat chicken with stir-fry vegetables and white rice)
White white white white white. It’s okay.

Chicken Mediterranean (3.0) (grilled chicken tenderloins and vegetables over angel hair pasta)
The taste, sauce, chicken, vegetables are fine. I’m not a huge fan of angel hair, and in particular this angel hair was cut too thin, as if someone fresh from Croatia was reading the Stouffer’s instructions, and took the term angel hair literally.

Three Cheese Chicken (3.0) (grilled white meat chicken strips in a three cheese sauce with broccoli and red peppers)
Pretty much. Cheese on broccoli effect similar to the old Welsh Rarebit recipe.

Glazed Chicken (3.0) (roasted chicken tenderloins with mushrooms, rice pilaf and green beans)
It’s fine. You’ll have to add some salt.

Roasted Chicken With Lemon Pepper Fettuccini (3.0) (white white meat chicken, vegetables and aged parmesan and romano cheese)
Conceptually, the dish is good. But here, the execution does not live up to the theory. First, how can there be aged parmesan when there’s no such thing as parmesan? Rather along the same lines...the main problem with this dish is that when they say lemon (“Lemon Pepper”), what they really mean is fake, artificial lemony flavor like you get from that little yellow squeeze bottle or and over-the-hill lemon: fake. Not good.

Teriyaki Chicken (2.5) (roasted white meat chicken in a teriyaki glaze with vegetables and pasta)
The problem with this dish is a lack of harmony. The all-purpose noodles would be (and are) better suited to their peanut sauce as well as an alfredo or marinara sauce. They are presented separately in the dish from the teriyaki vegetable sauce. And pushing them together does not seem to fix the disharmony. The chicken pieces are white, dry squares when a more flavorful darker meat would be preferred.

Chicken Parmesan (2.5) (roasted chicken breast with spaghetti and tomato basil sauce)
I seriously do not detect any parmesan flavor in this dish.

Honey Roasted Chicken (2.5) (roasted chicken breast with white and wild rice pilaf with vegetables)
Honey roasted pork, not chicken.

Pork


Pork with Cherry Sauce (3.5) (roasted pork in a dried cherry and red wine reduction sauce, brown rice, magical yellow carrots and green clovers)
Not bad.

Honey Roasted Pork (3.5) (creamy bastard sauce and roasted pork with green beans and carrots)
That it is, pig. That it is. Okay, actually, that it is not. The mustard sauce is too liquidy. But there are lots of beans—I’ll give ‘em that—beans that go scrunch. And finally…the pork slices okay, but I think in recent years they’ve started to look more like swordfish slices. but don’t you worry. for $3, they ain’t swordfish.

Beef


Macaroni and Beef (4.0) (in tomato sauce)
Good.

Beef Portobello (4.0) (roasted beef with mushrooms and red skin whipped potatoes)
Why not? No, this really is good. Here’s hoping mad cow doesn’t take off here.

Asian-style Beef with Ginger and Soy (4.0) (with vegetables and long grain rice)
Beef recta-cubes are +/-. But the bits of ginger and red pepper really are something special.

Hunan Beef and Broccoli (4.0) (with rice)

Beef slices very thin. Good texture. Brown sauce not really Szechuan; Ha. But it’s the standard LC brown sauce. And it’s fine. Broccoli and water chestnuts crunchy. Good. Standard LC long grain. You can’t seriously expect real short grain? Ha. Overall, good. ~190


Steak Tips Dijon (3.5) (beef steak with roasted red skin potatoes and green beans and no mad cow)
The steak tips are actually ok, and the sauce has a peculiar flavor, which I guess is supposed to resemble Dijon.

Jumbo Rigatoni with Meatballs (3.5) (in marina sauce served with zucchini)
Wow. The meatballs really aren’t that bad.

Salisbury steak with macaroni and cheese (3.5)
Not bad in fact.

Stuffed Cabbage (3.5) (meat-filled cabbage roll with tomato sauce and whipped potatoes)
It’s the same as their meatloaf entrée but wrapped in cabbage and covered in tomato sauce. Since I’d be ketchuping the meatloaf anyway, were halfway there now. I think this is the more interesting dish.

Lasagna with Meat Sauce (3.0)
Fine.

Swedish Meatballs (3.0)
The meatballs are good, and the sauce isn’t bad. Two too many meatballs.

 

Fish and Turkey


Roasted Turkey Breast (2.5) (with gravy, cornbread stuffing and vegetables)
Turkey, the food, is only barely good enough to begin with, let alone a frozen dinner version. I would wait for Thanksgiving.

Salmon with Basil (2.5, 3.0 if couldn’t just go to your local supermarket and get some fresh fish instead) (wild salmon, whole wheat orzo pasta, spinach and carrots in a basil sauce)
The orzo, spinach and carrot part is pretty good, but the salmon itself is kind of fishy. Too fishy. Listen people, what I’m saying is it’s not that good. Frozen chunks of salmon is not a great idea.

Salmon with Lemon Dill Sauce (2.5) (wild salmon medallions with a lemon dill sauce, whole wheat vermicelli, yellow carrots and broccoli)

Salmon medallions! ~240


Baked Lemon Pepper Fish (1.5) (fish fillet with lemon pepper breading with broccoli in a cheddar cheese sauce)
Frozen fish suck because it has always sucked. And always will suck. Because it sucks.

 

 

Weight Watchers Smart Ones

 

Bad. Generally a bad brand.

 

Fajita Chicken Supreme (4.0) (juicy grilled white meat chicken, onions, peppers and Santa Fe style rice & beans)
Compare with Lean Cuisine Santa Fe-style Rice and Beans or Three-Bean Chili. Go ahead. Do it. It’s basically similar only it has lower cheese content but a higher spice level. The onions and peppers are nice, large pieces. Again, I see a trend here. WWSO dishes tend to be more “raw” preferring chunks and pieces of things rather than daintily, perfectly sized things. I think if you’re the type of person who likes a kabob, and is on a diet, you’ll like Smart Ones.


Penne Pollo (3.5) (tender grilled white meat chicken, tomatoes and broccoli in a garlic sauce with penne pasta)
It’s all true. The dish has good, solid chicken squares (come from same farm where spaghetti trees are grown), penne tubes and vegetables. One thing I note immediately, which differentiated Smart Ones from Lean Cuisine, is what seems to be a much less anal approach to consistency in piece size. And I’m not so much talking about the chicken squares (and rhomboids), as I am the broccoli! The broccoli pieces range from tiny (cute) little heads (têtes) to more randomly shaped (hacked) pieces. Fine by me. It all tastes just fine. And the unpredictability is something I could learn to get used to. Weight Watchers is a division of Heinz North America.

Southwest Style Adobo Chicken (3.5) (tender white meat chicken in a sweet chili sauce and paired with a southwest style seasoned rice, bean and corn medley)
Medley! Anyway, the flavor here is too tame. Now they use the polished white rice, when they should be using the yellow tex-mex rice. [buries head in hands (international sign of despair)]

Thai-Style Chicken & Rice Noodles (3.5) (in a zesty peanut sauce)
Wow. This is a lot of flavor for sub a 300. A lot of flavor.

Teriyaki Chicken & Vegetable Bowl (3.5) (grilled white meat chicken and Asian-style vegetables in a sweet & spicy teriyaki sauce over white rice)
Standard teriyaki (chicken and vegetable) bowl. It’s fine. No, it really is alright. Lots of crunchy bamboo shoots. And stuff.

 

WWSO Santa Fe-style Rice (3.0) (spicy rice & red beans with a zesty green chile & sour cream sauce,  topped with cheddar cheese)

That it is. This is good. It’s good in a different way to the LC version. Why? Same reason as many WW Smart Ones. It offers more bean, more earthiness, and a little more of the taqueria-quality. It takes both kinds.

 

WWSO Fiesta Chicken (2.5) (in a spicy ranchero sauce with green chiles and Spanish rice)

Rice okay. Kind of boring chicken portion – fairly unimpressive (not enough chicken or flavor, surprisingly even)

 

WWSO Sweet and Sour Chicken (2.5) (with mushrooms and bell peppers)

Flavor okay. Chicken okay. 2 sweet, not enough sour. But still, flavor okay. But a lot of liquid for not having any rice in it? Huh. Needs rice.

 

WWSO Macaroni & Cheese (2.5) (casserole favorite bursting with cheese flavor)

God, if WWSO was going to get anything right, you’d think it would have to be mac and cheese. No. Still no. Mac too slippery. And the cheese flavor is weak. Just mild, barely noticeable non-specific cheese flavor. Barely recognizable as processed cheddar, even. Wow.


WWSO Spicy Szechuan Style Vegetables & Chicken (2.5) (served over tender Lo Mein pasta)
It is spicy alright, but the spice is that immediate, shallow kind, and not deep. Other than that, there really isn’t a lot else going on here. Couple more water chestnuts would be welcome.

WWSO Grilled Mandarin Chicken (2.5) (grilled white meat-chicken with a sweet-tangy orange sauce over a rice blend with sweet bell peppers and crisp carrots…and fajita chicken supreme)
Okay. This is where the WWSO approach breaks down. Asian food (apart from cheap Chinese) needs to be fresh, tidy and small. Whereas Lean Cuisine’s Asian dishes have polished white rice, the rice here is clearly the same as that in their Mexican and other dishes. The grilled chicken is fine, but try to find grilled chicken in an Asian restaurant. No, just try. The carrots and peppers taste fine, but they are simply not crispy, as advertised. Look at the box on this one, it even looks like a Mexican dish. The orange sauce could be tangier. Wow, I can’t believe I’m still going on about this. Woo-hoo. Anyway. Until the next one. See you.

 

 

Healthy Choice


Green box (design)  looks a bit thrown together. Not impressed with what I’ve tried either.

Healthy Choice Chicken Enchilada (3.5) (with sour cream sauce and Spanish rice)
It’s all true. It’s gooey, corn-tortilla’d, good. Rice very Spanish indeed. Has a very Tex-Mex restaurant style of bean, pea and corn bits. Overall, it’s a dirty good dish. Pushes 300 calories and without a doubt..

Healthy Choice Grilled White Meat Chicken & Pasta (2.5 to 3.0) (with fire roasted tomato sauce)
Fire roasted. Hilarious. Anyway, it does have a nice solitary chicken breast, which is quite a departure from the manicured dainty-bits you get with almost every lean frozen meal on shelves today. So that’s different. The pasta pieces are too big (unwieldy, careless, too-strewn). The red pepper (not mentioned in titlage?) and broccoli pieces are fine, but again coarsely careless. Not that I want a pedicure/manicure of every meal. But if you’re going to be careless, be dirty great careless. Be a Mexican meal. Or something.

Healthy Choice Grilled White Meat Chicken & Mashed Potatoes (2.5)
Boring. Mash potato is funny in that you can shake the plastic container and see the frozen potato mound jump around inside. It’s just funny. And the potato behaves about the same after you cook it. So that’s not so good. The chicken and gravy compartment is okay, but the chicken and gravy inside the compartment, not so much. Gravy standard, but the chicken is a tiny bit too chewy. Did they actually paint the grill marks on? No? Could they? No?

South Beach Diet

 

If Weight Watchers is bad, South Beach Diet is—I don’t even think there is a word for what South Beach Diet is. It’s bad though. It’s very very bad. (South Beach = Kraft)

 

South Beach Diet Savory Pork with Pecans & Green Beans (2.5) (tender pieces of pork in a savory sauce with onions, celery and pecans with seasoned green beans and yellow peppers)

Pork tastes like beef almost. Strange. And sauce is thin, like broth, not thick, like sauce. Strange. Green beans and yellow peppers fairly ordinary.

 

South Beach Diet Szechwan Style Pork (1.5) (tender pork & Asian noodles in sauce with carrots & sweet soybeans with sugar snap peas, water chestnuts, & yellow peppers) ~270

What a joke. I’m not even going to waste time explaining what’s wrong here.

 

Ethnic Gourmet


Yeah these are really good. But they’re even better if you do them in a conventional oven instead of microwaving. You can do either but if follow their instructions and bake them, the results are worth it. Hain Celestial Group (Melville, NY).


Ethnic Gourmet Palak Paneer (4.5) (creamed spinach and cheese with rice and rajmah dal made with organic spinach, rice and beans)
Amazingly good. Just really good flavor in the green part. The bean part’s not bad either. Very Indian-restaurant. The rice part is standard basmati and it works best if you mix it up with the other parts. Then you’re good to go. Great stuff. ~270  

Ethnic Gourmet Lime Chicken with Ancho Chile Sauce (4.5) (tender white meat chicken in a zesty ancho chile cream sauce, topped with Monterey jack cheese, with a side of corn a zucchini) ~340

Absolutely delicious. But lose the zucchini.

 

Ethnic Gourmet Thit Ga Kho Tieu (Chicken & Vegetables) (4.5)

Now I never go against Thit Ga. No seriously. This is good. Good spice. Good flavor. Nothing wrong with it. The base rice, chicken and vegetables and slick sauce are all fundamentally the same as what Nestle does with Lean Cuisine (especially it’s Asian dishes). Only this has got some additional peppers and spices (read chili oil) which the average LC entrée don’t got. Don’t got Kho Tieu. (seasoned white meat chicken with onions, bok choy, red and green bell peppers, and scallions with cilantro rice). It’s all true. ~330

 

Ethnic Gourmet Chicken Biryani (4.0) (traditional rice entrée with seasoned white meat chicken cooked with cauliflower, carrots, green peppers)
Delicious medium spicy flavor. Chicken pieces (when they do happen, really are good). Vegetables and rice all good. Only issue is I feel somehow we could achieve at least much of that flavor with having quite as much fat content. Yes? No? Get a life?  

Ethnic Gourmet Chicken Tandoori with spinach (4.0)

Good chicken pieces. Soft, flavorful. Nice mild flavor of spinach. Rice must be mixed right into the chicken/spinach space (it don’t do by itself.) Good stuff this. ~170 (I don’t believe that.)

 

Ethnic Gourmet – Lime Chicken with Ancho Chile Sauce (4.0)

Once again. Great flavors. Medium spice. Not at all bad. Chicken a tad dry but I stopped  expecting better from frozen long ago.

 

thnic Gourmet Singapore Noodles (4.0) (thin rice noodles stir-fried with vegetarian chicken, red and green peppers, carrots and onions; that’s right, it did just say vegetarian chicken?)

Good flavor. Good tofu—wait, make that great tofu. If you’re having at home—and you have a proper home that is—I recommend adding a dash of fish sauce and/or a squeeze of lime. That’ll take it to a 4.5 at least. Says mild spice but it’s really medium. ~290

 

Ethnic Gourmet Bean Masala (3.5) (sautéed with ginger, garlic, onions, tomatoes)
The turmeric shows through; it’s a bit chalky. On the other hand, who can argue with any combinations of chick peas, green peas and kidney beans? Who? ~400

Ethnic Gourmet Vegetable Paneer (3.5) (shredded Paneer cheese sautéed with vegetables, onions, garlic and spices. Wrapped in a spinach flavored gourmet flatbread.)
It’s good, but it’s the frozen tortilla problem. You always end up with some hardened “tortilla” corners after you cook it. But flavor-wise, it’s fine. ~360

Ethnic Gourmet Lemongrass and Basil Chicken (3.5) (seasoned white meat chicken in an authentic lemongrass and basil green curry sauce with carrots and green beans).
Not bad. There might be too much turmeric here. Will need to retry. ~390

Ethnic Gourmet Chicken Korma (3.5)

Good. I might like the Tikki Masala better. Anyway. It’s good. Pretty spicy.


Ethnic Gourmet Vegetable Korma (3.0) (a mixture of fresh vegetables sautéed with fresh ginger, garlic, onions, tomatoes, raisins and cashews)
It’s good. ~300

Ethnic Gourmet Shahi Paneer (3.0) (cubes of homemade cheese with raisins and cashews in a cream sauce + seasoned, long-grain brown rice)
Eh. The usual EG brown rice. The cheese cubes are good, and there’s enough of them. But the flavor is just lacking.  Dude. It’s 500+ calories. It only has about 300 calories of flavor.

Ethnic Gourmet Pad Thai with Noodles (2.5) (traditional Thai specialty of rice noodles in a peanut base sauce with carrots, tofu, scallions).
Noodles have way too mealy texture, almost like gnocchi! Maybe not that much, but no, noodles are definitely (2.0) here. Flavor is par. Spice medium. Okay. Not enough tofu pieces. ~420

Ethnic Gourmet Eggplant Bartha (2.5) (roasted eggplant and green peas sautéed with onions and tomatoes)
It’s hard to really comment on the flavor because it’s just a mouthful of spicy (even though it’s supposedly rated mild?). ~300

Ethnic Gourmet Chile Relleno Ravioli with Mango Chipotle Salsa (2.5) (green chile and ricotta cheese filled ravioli, topped with a smoky, zesty mango chipotle salsa)

Oh boy. Where to even begin. Again, why are we trying to mush Italian, Mexican and Caribbean cuisine into one dish? I mean, this would even be funny, if it weren’t true. The flavor isn’t all that bad or anything. But it just doesn’t make any sense. It really is like you took several completely different entrees and just stirred them together. Little bits of chewy green pepper skins are never welcome, in any context.

 

Ethnic Gourmet Chicken Arrabiata (2.0) (tender white meat chicken pieces tossed with a spicy tomato sauce and penne pasta)

Empty spice with little flavor. Please, leave the arrabiata (and penne) to the Italians. This is an ill-conceived dish.

 

Note: EG rice seems to take less microwave time than the other food portion. So you have to cook it once, then separate them and cook the rest again. Or else!

 

Ethnic Gourmet Butternut Squash Ravioli

Oh my god awful. Just awful. The next time you’re in the grocery store and you see a frozen entree called “butternut squash ravioli” that also has a side of “mini broccoli florets,” just keep walking. Just keep walking.

 

 

Amy’s Stuff

 

Amy’s Roasted Vegetable Pocket (4.0) (made with organic shitake mushrooms, sweet onions and roasted red peppers)
It’s pretty “darn” good. You can taste the mushrooms. Crust is a little dry, but this is to be expected with any microwavable “pocket” from any brand. It could be (and usually is) worse.

(2) Good bc it has a very faintly roasted flavor to it. It’s just a nice, rich flavor to the vegetables (and roots and tubers), as well as the pocket itself. ~230

 

Amy’s Enchilada (4.0) (with black bean & vegetable)
Okay, this is a delicious enchilada. Good enchil. Good ada. Just good. ~360
(2) had again recently. this time it didn’t seem to pack as much flavor. i think the problem is me. this is what happens when you eat too much real food? I’ve been eating real food...

 

Amy’s Stuffed Pasta Bowl (4.0)

Quite good actually. Spinach flavor and amount of texture seems exactly right. And there isn’t an excess of overly liquidy sauce either, like there so often is in this red game. ~310

 

Amy’s Indian Samosa Wraps (4.0) (made with organic potatoes, peas and tofu)

Flavor of filling is pretty good. As for the crust. I actually baked this instead of the usual microwaving and I think it might make a huge difference (for the better). I will try baking Amy’s burritos in future instead of the microwaving. Because that has always been my main gripe with Amy’s (and most people’s) burritos—that the crusts end up too tough and discardable—clip the cardboard ends off and don’t eat, is what I’m sayin’. Well it may not be thus if one is willing to waste a little of the old gas naturale. And plan ahead a little. Can you wait 40-50 minutes? ~520 (wow)


Amy’s Enchilada (3.5) (with Spanish rice & beans)
Good.

Amy’s Cheese Enchilada (3.5) (with Organic Beans, Corn & Tomatoes)
Good. Yes, classic set of items.

 

Amy’s Shepherds Pie (3.5) (made with organic vegetables…and nothing else…)

It’s fine. For vegetarian shepherd’s pie?

 

Amy’s Asian Noodle Stir-Fry (3.5 to 4.0) (made with organic rice noodles, vegetables and tofu)

Very good. Need to compare with LC version. ~290

 

Amy’s Broccoli and Something Pocket (3.5)

Good. ~270

 

Amy’s Pesto Tortellini Bowl (3.5)

Pesto fine. No complaints. Torts get a shade soggy (beyond al dente), but perhaps this is unavoidable in the frozen arena. The question is can we do better with frozen or must we always go to the nearest Whole Foods for the fresh pasta packages? That is the question. ~430


Amy’s Spinach and Feta Pocket (3.0)
Not bad. Perhaps just slightly odd spinach taste.


Amy’s Spinach Pizza (3.0) (made with organic spinach and tomatoes; duh)

It’s fine.


Amy’s Teriyaki Bowl (3.0) (made with organic tofu, brown rice, and vegetables)

Components are fine. Tofu pieces a bit small and uninspiring. Brown rice and sauce also fairly unexciting.

~290

 

Amy’s Macaroni & Cheese (3.0)
More subtle than Stouffer’s version. And there is no room for subtlety in Mac and Cheese. Amy’s, you’re fired!

Amy’s Mattar Paneer (3.0) (curried peas and cheese with rice and chana masala
Um…it’s okay. Only vaguely reminiscent of actual Indian restaurant fare. But not bad.

Amy’s Mattar Tofu (3.0) (curried peas and tofu with rice and dal)

There’s nothing wrong with it. There’s nothing great about it either. It’s just sort of—too tame—at least, since I know some Ethnic Gourmet dishes that…~260


Amy’s Palak Paneer (3.0) (creamed spinach and cheese with rice and rajmah dal)
Okay. It’s fine, but it seems vastly inferior to even a cheap Indian restaurant. It’s just better not to have it and wait until you can go out for Indian. Tomorrow? (Ethnic Gourmet’s PP is way better, BTW and FYI; and other brands too like “Deep Indian Gourmet”)

Amy’s Thom Kha Phak (2.5)

Basic coconut broth flavor. Passable but utterly lacking in any heat/spice or Thai fish sauce flavor. Reconstituted shitake slices are awkwardly large and slick. And there are soft carrots. Why are there soft carrots? ~440


Amy’s Chili and Cornbread (2.5)
Frozen cornbread? Dumb.


Amy’s Vegetable Pot Pie (2.5)

Not worth even 300. Healthy and “pot pie crust” just don’t go together. Amy’s should stick to what it does better. ~360


Amy’s Veggie Loaf (1.0) (with mashed potatoes and vegetables)
Hilarious.

 

 

Other Frozen Foods

 

Frozen Burritos
A taste test was planned to be held between the various purveyors of frozen burritos: Amy’s, Delgado’s, and the always cheaper Tina’s Burrito. Unfortunately, however, the study was unable to be completed because I soon discovered I will like any burrito you put in front of me. Final result: get whichever one you want. They’re all great.

 

Kashi

 

Kashi Southwest Style Chicken (4.0)

Compare with Lean Cuisine Santa Fe Style Rice and Beans although minus the beans and Kashi® 7 Whole Grain & Sesame Pilaf instead of standard rice. Anyway, it’s not bad. The chicken is very realistic. I’m impressed.

 

Kashi Sweet and Sour Chicken (4.0)

Pretty much what you expect in terms of the sweet and sour pert. The chicken pieces in this here box were actually pretty good. Probably the best thing about it was the relatively large and firm green beans! Not bad. Not bad. Probably the most predictable thing about it was the fact that yes, once again, Kashi whole grain whatever-it-is instead of rice.

 

Kashi Chicken Pasta Pomodoro (4.0)

This is good. ~280

 

Kashi Lemongrass Coconut Chicken (4.0)

See Sweet and Sour comments, except this is lemongrass coconut. Good stuff.

 

Kashi Lime Cilantro Shrimp (3.5)

The rice puffy rice is fine. Sauce and flavor is good although maybe a bit overemphasized—no more so than any Lean Cuisine or other similar but—but I might prefer less of a “thick shimmer” and more of the thing “fish sauce” bent. No matter. It’s fine. And for frozen shrimp, it can get a lot worse than this. ~250

 

 

Cedarlane

 

Cedarlane Spinach and Feta Pie (Spanakopita) (4.5)

First, you have to bake this in the oven (it cannot be microwaved). No, I don’t mean, as in, I really “feel strongly” that it cannot be microwaved. I mean, literally, it cannot be microwaved, as in, the box says “you cannot microwave this.” So don’t. Second, it’s awesome. The “flaky filo” dough ends up just that. The spinach and cheese (feta and mozzarella) filling is really good (it just tastes good and rich without being too greasy). Wow. The only drawback is you will eat the whole thing, and that’s two servings at ~520. Oh well, you only live once. (some of you.)

 

Cedarlane Burrito Grande (4.0)

First, it’s about two portions worth. It’s huge. Fine. I can live with that. It’s also really good. Good beans. Tons of cheese. Mild spices. Really though it’s more of a big enchilada than a burrito. (Note softness of thick, moist tortilla; enchilada, not burrito.) ~440

 

Cedarlane Vegetable Enchiladas (3.5)

Sauce is fine. Has a nice mild but true spice. The tortillas are good. Needs more cheese. Overall, needs to have less sauce and more enchilada. Not bad though. (made with organic beans, bell pepper and tortillas) ~280

 

Cedarlane Burrito Grande (with Chili Verde Sauce) (3.5)

Stuffed, green. And good. ~460 (holy shit!)

 

Cedarlane Couscous and Vegetable Wraps (2.5)

It’s one wrap. It has real couscous in it. And vegetables. I really have little else to say about it. It’s pretty boring. I’ll let you know if I come across a more exciting couscous-based product.

 

Cedarlane Eggplant Parmesan (3.0) (with roasted vegetables and sun dried tomato sauce)

It’s fine. Tomato and parmesan sauce is fine. The texture of the eggplant isn’t as bad as I feared it might be (as compared to fresh cooked). It’s fine. Nothing to get worked up over. But not bad.

 

 

Zatarain’s

 

Zatarain’s Jambalaya with Chicken (4.0) (rotisserie chicken with rice, tomato, onion, bell pepper and spices)

Hey, this one’s pretty good. I would have it a little spicier myself, but the flavor (all told) is pretty good.

 

Zatarain’s Dirty Rice (4.0) (with beef and pork)

Fairly spicy (tip of tongue, not back; but it’s as much as you can expect). Rich flavor. Pretty good. Eat slow because one package is more than one portion (you’ll finish it before you know it and then you’ll be sorry later; oh, you’ll be sorry). Later. ~470

 

Zatarain’s Red Beans and Rice (3.0)
It’s okay but requires addition of sour cream and just isn’t as much flavor/spice as I would expect for the calories. Also it’s really more like red bean paste than a lot of big red beans. Eh. On the other hand, I don’t see a lot of better red beans and rice entrees from Lean Cuisine or anything. So I guess if you gotsta have it. ~510

 

Zatarain’s Jambalaya with Sausage (2.0) (rice with sausage, onion, bell pepper and spices)

Very spicy but the spice is too shallow. It’s too up-front. Doesn’t work. Isn’t integrated into the main flavor of the dish.

 

 

Other Lesser Known Brands

 

Deep Indian Gourmet – Mutter Paneer  (4.5)

Okay wow. This stuff is really really flavorful. Yes it’s a lot of calories. No, it ain’t no lean anything. But wow it’s a pretty good amount of flavor packed in here. I would venture to say this is the best frozen Indian I’ve yet had. The trick however, since it really is a LOT of curry and sauce. Is you should just cook your own semibrown rice separately. Then make two meals of it my dividing the contents onto your own rice in two containers. That’s my suggestion. Unless you are huge. Then just do it all in one thing. But you really do have to blend in your own rice cause this is a LOT of curry in here. But it’s really good flavor, if I did mention or you weren’t paying attention earlier.

 

Moosewood Moroccan Stew (4.5) (An aromatic and exotic stew of fresh sweet potatoes, cabbage and peppers simmered with tomatoes, raisins, and chick peas served with golden couscous—and NOT lamb)
This is pretty good, actually. Any sweeter might be too sweet. But no, it’s very nice. Enjoy with a nice vaguely sweet Riesling? ~160 (no way; must be typo)

Moosewood Macaroni and Three Cheeses (3.0)
Which are? Who can tell. Just tastes like a more subtle version of mac and cheese, which defeats its own purpose.
 

Boston Market Apple Glazed Pork with Rice and Broccoli au Gratin (3.5)
Wow. This is much better (than the other BM I had). Especially the rice part. Not bad. Again, somewhat rich, but good flavor. ~340

Boston Market Grilled Chicken with Mesquite BBQ Sauce (3.0)
It’s fine, but it’s all too rich. The sauce and the “smashed” potatoes (sounds like something Rachel Ray would think up) are 2 dense, 2 rich. It’s just not worth the extra calories over Lean Cuisine. ~340 (100 from fat!)

Delimex Chicken Taquitos (3.0) (tasty chicken rolled in fresh corn tortillas)
Says on box it’s America’s #1 chicken taquito. It was the only one of the shelf, so I’m going to assume for now it’s America’s only chicken taquito. The way it works is you take the bag out of the attractive box then snip it with some scissors or a knife to release the taquitos. Then you take out however many taquitos you want to eat, which is totally up to you, although the picture does seem to imply five is the correct number. You then put the taquitos on a plate and microwave them for about three minutes, thus making them very hot. Accessorize with cheese, ketchup, shredded lettuce, sour cream (all are pictured, none are included) and eat. The box provides a recipe for making delicious salsa. May I gently suggest that whomsoever is going to make delicious salsa probably did not buy these taquitos. No matter. So does the shell of America’s #1 chicken taquito resemble soggy cardboard? Let me just say, on the record, “I have no reason to doubt these are America’s #1 frozen taquitos.”

Hot Pockets Ham and Cheese (2.5) Fake is not just as good

Okay seriously, these things are edible, but they’re only just this side of real food. What I mean by that is the ham, cheese and even the crust all seem about as fake as fake. This is vending machine food. And that’s fine if you’re desperate. But it’s 2007 and we’ve done something about this now. Even  Kroger’s. This is exactly the kind of thing Rachael Ray used to eat before she got discovered. There must be something better than this for ham and cheese in a pocket. There must be an Amy’s pocket or something. ~320/pocket

 

 

Frozen Pizza (see elsewhere for certain brands)

 

A.C. LaRocco – ultra thin sprouted grain (3.5)

It’s similar to Amy’s only the crust is thinner (a plus), but it’s nowhere near the quality of the Italian imports from Trader Joe’s. My god. What is? Anyway, again the only frozen pizza I’ve ever been satisfied with in my life is Trader Joe’s Italian-made import. And dammit. Dammit dammit since I don’t have a TJ in my town. Dammit.

 

Trader Giotta’s – All Styles (5.0)

Godammit. This is so much better than every other frozen pizza I’ve ever had it’s ridiculous. Defies possibility. Crust like an actual Italian pizza made in Italy. This actually is made in Italy. And imported. And still costs less than other brands. Goddammit, that there is Trader Joe’s where I live. Pizza.

 

Amy’s, Stouffers (elsewhere

 

Normal Crackers

 

Now when it comes to snack crackers, the way I see it, in middle America there are four choices. Wheat Thins, Triscuits, Carr’s, and Breton. Breton, you ask? Yes, I didn’t know about Breton either until one day, I was standing there in the aisle of pressed wheat about to grab a box of Carr’s, and there it was. On display, in the middle of the aisle, Breton crackers. I took a box home and from day forward, I’ve thought of Breton as just another part of the family. Like Carr’s, they have several varieties. But unlike Carr’s, Breton are much thicker and can be eaten alone, which is always useful in the modern catastrophe of running out of cheese. Second, it’s more fun to say Breton.

On the other hand, if you have a really nice piece of cheese, you want to be able to taste it and not get bogged down in cracker. You need a straight man. Not Jerry Lewis. Moreover, there are some days when Breton’s bulkiness can simply be over-powering and downright abusive. These are the times when you just want a mild-mannered cracker who knows its place, a table water cracker, like Carr’s. What about Wheat Thins and Triscuits? I don’t know, you tell me. Oh, and melba toast is great with just some butter on it. Really great.

 

Carr’s Table Water Crackers – imported from England
These really are superior in every way. Better for this, better for that, better get it.

365 Organic Water Crackers – imported from England
These are everything you do NOT want in a water cracker. They have this room-filling salty, weird flavor, which mars any possibly enjoyment you might have gotten from the cheese on top of them.

Wild Oats Organic Water Crackers – imported from England
Okay.

Courtney’s Organic – fine English water crackers
No hydrogenated oils. No taste either.

Carr’s Onion and Garlic – imported from England
Great enthusiasm and energy. Frequently makes interesting contributions, but is often disruptive, especially during nap time. Doesn’t play well with others. Needs to learn how to share. Needs to learn how to nap.

Bisca Original Water Crackers
Does this mean original of all water crackers ever? Or do they just mean it’s their original water cracker formula. Water cracker version 1.0 if you will. A little research soon uncovered that (think of stupid story to insert here). It says on the box ‘by appointment to the royal danish court’. Now I’m not completely sure what that phrase means exactly, but one interpretation would be that Bisca had some sort of connection with the royal Danish court. Course I could be wrong. God I wish smoking wasn’t bad for you.

 

Head to Head Matchups

 

Monet vs. Carr’s
The first thing you’ll notice when you compare these two behemoth’s of the table cracker industry is that Carr’s come with a wrapper of cellophane on the outside of the box. Monet dispenses with it. Of course, the crackers themselves come in the usual protective womb of plastic. But that’s too be expected.

Monet are produced in Canada.

Wellington Versus Carr’s
Wellingtons may taste slightly dry-er than the Carr’s. “Dry-er than Carr’s?” you say. “But how can this be?” you say. Quite so. Quite so. I really cannot articulate why I prefer one over the other, but I do. I suppose I honestly do. Oh—sorry—it’s Carr’s. I like the Carr’s.

Wellington are produced in England.

3.5 Vivant Zesty Vegetable Crackers vs. Themselves
Oh they are zesty. There’s no question about that. They pretty much bloody the nose of whatever cheese you put on them, except jalapeño jack. These crackers do taste pretty good when you’re as hungry as I was when I thought they actually tasted pretty good.

God knows where Vivant are produced. Vivant are produced in South Carolina.

 

Costa (notes on  authenticity)

Costa is apparently this food company (based in Chile) that makes knock-offs of various European food imports. In general, their products are not quite as good as the originals, but they are cheaper.

 

 

Costa Table Water Crackers vs Carr’s

Costa are slightly smaller and thicker. They don’t have quite as dry a flavor as the Carr’s originals, and in fact, they kind of taste like an unsalty saltine. I’ll pay the extra dollar for Carr’s. In fact, you really can’t enjoy fine cheese on a Costa, because their thick presence interferes like Hugo Chavez at a WTO banquet.

 

Costa Toasts vs Petit Toasts

Costa (Chile)à more white bread-y; less crunch; better for sweet jams, etc.

Petit Toasts (Holland) à more wheat-y, moving toward faint hint of melba; harder, more crunch; better for certain cheeses

 

 

Special Crackers

 

Wheat Crackers
Wheat crackers call for very pungent (strong, singular flavor) cheeses, which can stand up to their dominant, overpowering wheaty flavor.

 

Ak-Mak 100% whole wheat stone ground sesame cracker  
Okay, so these are good. Very wheaty. No question. They also do carry a hint of chemicality to them. And this must be overcome by eating the cracker with a strong accompaniment, such as a pungent cheese like Chimay or Tête De Moine or a strong blue, natural pairings for wheat flavor. Just putting butter and jam on this cracker will not do. Eating alone allows the chemical flavor to dominate your palate. You’ll notice it. And you’ll come crawling back to me, for more advice. And perhaps I will give it. (low fat; no cholesterol, never had any)

 

Wasa (multi-grain)

I think this is pretty damn good stuff.

 

Finn-Crisp (multi-grain)

I like it. But be aware the sesame seeds and poppy seed flavor really does come through.

 

Kavli

Kavli is terrible product—in fact, Kavli sucks—I’ve decided—after trying a lot of different crackers. The only one worth having is Kavli Wheat (Thick) and that’s basically because it’s vaguely like WASA thick crackers. Anyway. If it’s all you’ve got, eat it. But don’t buy Kavli instead of other things (which are better).

 

Kavli Whole Grain Crispbread Hearty Trick

Hearty Trick? Oh, maybe it’s hearty thick? That would make more sense, wouldn’t it? Hmm. Anyway, no, this really has a pronounced wheat flavor. It’s good. Lingers. I’m just wondering what to put on them. For guidance, I look at the box. Says enjoy with your favorite condiments, spreads, cheese. Great help. Anyway it goes alright with hard and semi-hard goat’s milk cheese and dark beer.


Kavli Whole Grain Crispbread Thin
Same as thick, but thin. Amazing.

 

Kavli Whole Grain Crispbread 5 Grain

Rye, wheat, oats, barley, millet. They’re all in there. Although you could just have some breakfast cereal instead. I’m not sure exactly why this cracker would be better for cheese than other, simpler ones. Although I will admit it was okay with (I forgot whatever it was okay with). It was probably some semi-hard Swiss-style or cave-style goat cheeses.

Kavli Whole Grain Crispbread Garlic
Terrible. It’s just Kavli wheat thin with some faux garlic flavoring. I’m thinking garlic-flavored Melba toast would be the better option (for a garlic cracker).

 

Kavli Whole Grain Crispbread Pesto
See garlic. This is just a stupid stupid cracker.

 

Garlic Crackers and Melba Toast

 

Old London Melba Toast Rounds Garlic

Good with Parmigiano Reggiano—probably even better with some other particular cheese. Probably best of all with some really smooth-good butter.

 

Old London Melba Toast Rectangles

I actually think the rectangles are better because they are less dense with oil. Don’t ask me to understand or explain why on earth this is the case. But it is. Here, less is more. Rectangles—better.

 

 

Other Random Stuff Holders

 

Starr Ridge Hors d’Oeuvre Crackers Simply White

Simply white—is a misnomer. They actually have a quite strong flavor. Unlike some plain crackers. Not that Carr’s doesn’t also have a distinct flavor, but it’s less salty and less pronounced. So all’s I’m saying is don’t just mix with a subtle cheese unawares or nothin’ and expect good news.

 

Three Grain Bread (Mestemacher, GE)

Awesome. One of the only authentic bread (or bread-like) items one can get at any large supermarket. These breads come vacuum sealed, have a real expiration date (not like ten years and several chemicals later or something), and you’re supposed to refrigerate and  consume them within a week or so once you open the package. Now I may let it go longer and I haven’t had a problem.

 

 

Rice Crackers – coming soon

 

Kame versus The Other Brands

White versus Brown Rice

Cheddar flavored rice crackers (I’ll answer that right now; yuck!)

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cookies! Biscuits! Etc.!

 

Le Petit Écolier (The Little Schoolboy) – extra dark chocolate

Good. Extra dark chocolate. Good for a little “to go with a coffee or tea,” but perhaps the extra darkness makes them a bit dominant with whatever else you plan to have them with—so less versatile. (70% cocoa).

 

Also comes in Milk, Milk Hazelnut and Dark (45%)

 

 

Chips and Snack Foods

 

Tostitos Lime Flavored Tortilla Chip

 

o       Formal Review

 

Sensible Portions Multi Grain Crisps

Sensible portions is right. Eat one and you’re definitely done. These chips are bad. They’re worse than Japanese junk food. All the silly puffy weightlessness but without the extreme cute packaging.

 

o       Formal Review

 

Nilla Cakesters – guest review by Lora Kolodny

Never, ever waste your money ($0.79) on Nilla Cakesters.* Even if you are a huge fan of both the Nilla Wafer, and the Twinkie and feel like a cakester could contain the best of both foods. Nilla Cakesters come in packs of three, and are so bad that after biting into one, dry cake with frosting filling that leaves a weatherproof coating on your tongue, three is not one too many, but three too many.

 

Verdict: NEVER! (remember gremlins? really. never.)

 

* I just had to add cakester to my .dic. Damn. (this is me saying this, not Ms. Kolodny)

 

 

Jelly and Jams

 

Attention must be paid.

 

Matin des Pyrenées Apple-Pear-Walnut Jam
Very good jam. I’ve come to think that there is little that comes from the Pyrenees which is not good. Very little. Except bombs.

Matin de Pyrenées Apricot-Raspberry-Peach

Yes. I’m normally against mixing. But wow. Exceptions must be made.

 

Ascension will be made.

 

Edible Yogurt

 

The best way to eat yogurt is with a touch (or heap) of honey. You can also add your own granola for a nice combination. Don’t have granola? Try chopping up a Power bar Harvest into 12 pieces and dropping it in. This is the only reason I would buy Power Bar Harvests.

 

Mountain High Strawberry

Delicious. Silky smooth (a whopping 11% fat). Nice, subtle flavor of strawberry and a touch of honey. Note how refreshing it is to have a strawberry flavored yogurt what isn’t fake and colored.

Stoneyfield Farms Vanilla (lowfat)

Excellent. This is my staple.

Stoneyfield Farms Strawberry (lowfat)
Smooth texture, nice and unobtrusive strawberry flavor. Maybe a hint of synthetic flavor in the aftertaste. A very good choice.

Stoneyfield Farms Banilla (lowfat)
A little odd tasting. But it works really well with cubed chocolate power bar or power bar harvest bars. A La Recherche du Ton Perdu: Remember when you were a little kid, and you used to buy that brown and yellow thing from the ice cream man? Well...

Dannon Light (nonfat)
It’s very bad. Aspartame? Does that sound like something you would want to be eating? No, it doesn’t. Would eat it if it were the last yogurt on earth.

 

 

Power Bars

 

Regular Power Bars

The Little Bird Says: Power Bars are hard to chop.

Malt Nut

Classic Coke. This is what a high-energy candy bar should taste like.

Oatmeal Raisin
A little heavy-handed, but not too bad.

Cappuccino

Hell yes.

Chocolate Peanut Butter
It’s pretty enjoyable. Like a healthier Reese’s peanut butter cup for a new generation.

Chocolate
A bit much on the weird chocolate flavor, but it grows on you after a while. Try chopping it up and putting it in Banilla Yogurt. God I miss Banilla Yogurt. Ever since I moved, no more, not available, no obtainable, gone and would have been forgotten, but for this rewrite and reminder. I do most of my sad remembering in a hot shower, leaning up against the wall, eyes closed, feeling heavy if I thought about it, a lump, not fat yet, but I’m going to be, feeling like there’s still a chance to get in touch with them, but it’s becoming a faint murmur now, a not yet fat chance, of seeing friends again. But I’ll make a lot of money won’t I? In this non Banilla town. Expect it’s the same for you? Or not. Chocolate? Or not?

Apple
It’s okay. Still thinking about it. I guess Power Bar isn’t though, since they seem to have discontinued it.

 

Wild Berry  
Grape does not lend itself to synthetic production. Recall Welch’s grape soda.

Crispy Vanilla
Crispy? Ha! Ever wondered what it would be like to take a bite out of that vanilla candle you got at Pier 1 Imports? Wonder no more. Just walk over to that candle and take a bite out of it. Euh. Anyway, crispy vanilla is not good.

 

Power Bar Harvest

 

PBH Oatmeal Raisin Cookie (4.5)
Delicious. And crunchy. This could be one of the best energy/glob/breakfast/snack/protein bars I’ve ever tasted.

PBH Toffee Chocolate Chip (4.5)
Wonderful.

PBH Strawberry Crunch (4.0)
Yes. Good. This really does have that nice little touch of strawberry. Crunch.

PBH Peanut Butter Chocolate (4.0)
Good.

PBH Cherry (3.5)
This refers to the original PB Harvest. I’m not sure if they are still making these same versions or if the recipe has changed over the years. But from earlier: “Like a softened, puffed up granola bar. Like whipped instead of solid cream cheese.” Good on you. Good on yogurt.”

 

Power Bar Essentials (Hyperexpensive Candy Bars)

 

Fruit and yogurt
Well, it tastes like fruit and yogurt alright. But I’m not sure that’s what I’m thinking when I reach for a Power Bar.

Peanut Butter and Chocolate
Hell, why not?

Powerbar ProteinPLUS
helps build a lean body and provides sustained energy* ~300 cals
Softened up power bar with a thin coating of “chocolate.” If you’re buying this because you really want the extra 50 calories then may I suggest you stop fooling around and just take steroids? I hear nowadays they’ve got some really good ones that aren’t as harmful as they used to be (bad old days!) if you’re eating them because you actually enjoy eating energy bars, don’t.

Powerbar ProteinPLUS – Chocolate Peanut Butter (3.0)
Hey. It’s still chocolate peanut butter. Even though the peanut butter flavor is too muted.

Powerbar ProteinPLUS – Cookies n’ Cream (2.5)
Awkward. Clearly inferior to the Clif Cookies n’ Cream. Not great.

 

 

Clif Bars


Spelled “Clif,” are pretty damn good. Especially with some kind of heavily advertised drinkable yogurt like a Dannon Frusion or Stoneyfield Farms. As for Zero G and Mega Delta Space Jam Pregnant Atkins Blowout Garage Mega Doo Nutrition Bar bla bla bla and all the other dumb energy bars out there. I don’t care.

 

Chocolate Almond Fudge
My god yes.

Black Almond   Cherry

Um, yes.

Oatmeal Raisin Walnut
Yes.

Chocolate Chip Peanut Crunch
Yes.

Mint Chocolate
It’s pretty strong on the mint, but not bad.

Chocolate Chip
It’s okay.

Carrot Cake, Cranberry Apple Cherry, Lemon Poppyseed, Apricot
Okay.

 

GoLean (Kashi)

 

Similar to Powerbar ProteinPLUS in terms of being a dense bar covered with a chocolate coating (290 cals). The difference though is that the GoLean bar has a more normal texture with a little more crunch (not like Power Bar Harvest, but more). Specific flavor concerns will be addressed below. These are all (4.0) and higher.  

 

GoLean (Kashi) Peanut Butter & Chocolate
Yes.

 

GoLean (Kashi) Oatmeal Raisin

More raisin than oatmeal going on here. Can hardly taste the oatmeal, in fact. But still, it’s a perfectly good tasting bar.

 

GoLean (Kashi) Chocolate Almond Toffee

Pretty good. Reminds me of chocolate other one (I guess I’m talking about the one with peanut butter). Umm. Yeah.

 

GoLean (Kashi) Cookies & Cream

Yes.

 

GoLean (Kashi) Malted Chocolate Crisp

This is really goo.

 

            Caramel Peanut (3.0)

Caramel, and peanut, without chocolate? No.

 

GoLean Cunchies Chocolate Caramel

It’s really pretty good. Nice understated but present caramel flavor. These are crunchy like Power Bar Harvest only without that layer of chocolate (and 100 cals less to show not for it).

 

GoLean Cunchies Peanut Butter Bliss

Bliss.

 

GoLean Cunchies Peanut Butter

Bliss.

 

GoLean Chocolate Turtle Roll

 

“…a chewy chocolate center is surrounded by smooth caramel and then rolled in toasted pecans, crunchy soy crisps and whole grains.”

 

It’s true.

 

Chocolate Peanut Roll (4.5)

I might like this even better than the turtle. The soft core gives the impression of caramel anyway, and the chocolate/nougaty flavor seems more focused this way. (a chewy peanut butter center is surrounded by smooth chocolate and then rolled in roasted peanuts, crunchy soy crisps and whole grains)

 

8/07 Update/Warning: I just had a chocolate peanut roll today and for the second time in a row lately, it has seemed too dry. The outer toasted pecans just aren’t meshing with the inner layer (roll). It just isn’t working for me anymore. Maybe this will change again someday, but for now, for now, these are very troubling times.

 

8/07 Update/Good News: I just had another roll today and it was fine. Maybe earlier it was just a one time thing. I won’t kill myself today.

 

What about the other Energy Bars?

 

Luna Bars (3.0)
Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman. I tried the Luna Bar called “Nutz Over Chocolate.” It’s basically a peanut butter and chocolate bar. Now’s there’s a new concept. Anyway, I don’t see how this bar is any different than the Power Bar Essentials version of same, and therefore, should only exist to keep the prices of other energy bars in check. Where would we all be without healthy competition? Where would Nike be without good old healthy—oh, wait—

Odwalla Bars
Okay, these are pretty good too. I like the green one and anything with chocolate or peanut butter in it. Cranberry or Berries Go Mega or whatever are okay. The Super Protein one is pretty awful. Carrot is so so.

 

Odwalla Peanut Butter and Chocolate Chip (now even chewier) (4.5)
Just when you thought Odwalla couldn’t get any chewier. It did. It’s good. It’s the same. But this has always been a great Odwalla flavor.

 

Lara Bars (3.0)
One of a few gluten-free energy bars available. They’re a bit peculiar tasting, but if you have celiac, as I briefly thought I did, they’ll do. I will never again be insensitive about food allergies in others. Food unwillingness...now that’s something else...

The Zone Perfect “Fudge Graham” (3.0)
Sort of like a Rice Krispy treat texture (it’s light, airy), but with a fudge coating. It’s fine.

Bumblebar (original almond) (NR)
Wow. This is different alright. Not bad, but wow. First, its really thin, like wafer thin, like pressed together thin. Coated in sesame seeds. It’s odd. But its obviously very organic or at least seems so. I will have to try them a few more times before rendering a more nuanced view.
(2) Basically exactly what the ingredients say. Someone (Jon, Doug, Dan of the Bumblebar family) essentially pressed together all of those sees et al into the shape of a very thin bar. Sticky. So it’s a little inconvenient if you’re on the go. Me, personally, I’m thinking I’m not quite a huge fan of one or some of the organic oils in this thing, but this could be subjective.
(3) Wait, okay. Never mind my PC-ness. Do not buy or try this bar unless you have a serious fetish for seeds or at least some strong beverage with which to chase it. Otherwise, you may be stuck with the unending aftertaste of ?flax oil, which is tantamount, basically, to living hell. I feel really bad about this because I think these people are sincere.

 

Bumblebar (original)
Same issues as above minus the almond.

Bumblebar (Chai)
Does not live up to its promise of chai. But the aftertaste leaves less of a black eye.

 

Gatorade Energy Bars Peanut Butter (2.0)
What an original concept. Peanut butter…

 

Gatorade Energy Bars Orange (1.5)
A Rice Krispy treat that went horribly wrong. Look, if it takes a company 6 yrs to catch on to the energy bar trend, I think it’s safe to assume it’s going to suck.

 

New Quaker Oats Breakfast Bars
Now this is great. Finally an energy bar that doesn’t cost a buck fifty. Quaker Oats has just come out with its new line of what it calls ‘breakfast bars.’ Breakfast? Yeah. And lunch and dinner as far as this reviewer is concerned. Does it have ginko pachinko extract? No. Does it have high fructose corn syrup? Yes. That’s high fructose. On the plus side, it tastes better than a power bar and costs less than a Rice Krispy treat. On the other hand, it’s dense, mushy, and God if I’m not getting sick of all these breakfast bars. Box was hard to open. 2/03

 

Oatmeal (3.0)
This is a giant square oatmeal cookie. Cule.

Baked Apple (3.0)
Yes it is.

Cinnamon and Brown Sugar (3.0)
Whoa that’s a lot of cinnamon.

 

 

Waffles

 

Lifestream Flax Plus (4.5)

These actually taste the best. Even though they are a little flimsy in terms of texture—bits crumble off, they are thin, they come stuck together out of the box. Never mind all that. The fact is, these taste great. 100 cal/ea

 

Van’s Blueberry Waffles (4.0)

I may like these better than the Kashi. They have a nice full, wheaty flavor; a solid but not too tight texture—i.e. puffy. I have to point out something, though, which is funny. They don’t even bother to produce any blue round coloration instead opting for a sort of blueberry extract flavor. And I have to say I’m not entirely convinced at this point. 80 cal/ea.

 

Lifestream Buckwheat Wildberry (3.5)

Not a huge fan of this flavor, personally. Might be okay for others. I prefer the non-buckwheat variety of this product.

 

Kashi GoLean Blueberry Waffles (3.0)

Good. Perhaps more wholesome in texture than Eggo’s. That said, the flavor may be a little too natural for me. Actually. 3 per box. Are they bigger? 85 cal/ea.

 

 

 

Popcorn!


Orville Redenbacher’s (Smart Pop; 94% fat free) (4.0)
Okay, now here, we have much better popcorn taste. What I would have to describe as normal. But now that we’ve got that down. Let’s talk about my kitchen smelling like microwaved popcorn for 3 days. My lord. There’s got to be a better way. Stovetop? Air-popping? Wow, that’s the big show, huh? My friend says no. Anyway, Orville definitely has the microwaving thing down. Very few unpopped kernels. Also comes in neat little half bags! So you can pop two half bags and have enough. ~240/bag

Healthy Pop (Jolly Time) (4.0)
No kidding. This is great stuff. Microwaves well. Okay, well enough. (To not burn, must accept a fair amount of unpopped kernels.) Tastes like normal popcorn. Listen, all I ask is that it not taste like something Mars delivered. And if I want butter, I can always add it. Just give me something to work with, and not against. Well. So far, this is the one. ~225/bag

Smart Balance (Light Butter) (3.0)
Flavor okay, but has a tiny bit too much disingenuous butter flavor for me. Again, give me simple, minimal butter. Then I can put more if I want, and if not, then not. But give me the choice. Not worth the calories at 360/bag

Newman’s Own Organic Pop’s Corn (2.5)
This may be less bad than Newman’s Own Organic Pop’s Corn. I don’t know. All I can say is tonight, I seemed to tolerate it.

Newman’s Own Organic Pop’s Corn (2.0)
It’s not so much that this “Pop’s Corn” tastes bad, but rather than it doesn’t taste good. It just doesn’t taste good. And at 360 calories/bag, it just isn’t worth it. A truly unimpressive effort.

Pop-Secret Popcorn (diet) (1.5)
Terrible. Just a weird, bad flavor. Doesn’t taste like normal popcorn. Has a strange peculiar taste, which can only be described as not popcorn-like.

 

----- Original Message -----
From: Erin Casey
To: Pancetta
Sent: Monday, March 06, 2006 10:49 PM
Subject: Re:

Okay sure... Wednesday? Would that work? I think I might have to work late so the eating bit might have to happen after the movie - but we’ll see, work is ever changing.  

If you think Pop Secret is bad, try Act II.

 

 

Ice Cream

 

Many local varieties are often the best. But you worry about that. I’m here to tell you what’s good and wrong with national brands you can get anywhere.

 

Haagen-Dazs

Is usually a very reliable, high-quality brand. They do coffee flavor very well. And I’m sure others. Their version of pistachio is horrendous. Too many nuts, which go from too chewy to little wads of cardboard and finally just a sad memory. Stick to gelato, for your Mediterranean-based nuts.

 

Bluebell – Homemade Vanilla

Best ice cream in the country, is what their ads say. And they’re pretty much right as far as I’m concerned. Of course, not “every” flavor is great. Just as there are people in basements held captive by the criminally insane, there are the occasional ridiculous flavors that I never buy. But when it comes to vanilla, cookies-and-cream, mint chocolate chip, (fake) pistachio, coffee and other reasonable flavors, this is the best ice cream manufacturer I’ve ever come across. Haggen-Dazs coffee is competitive, but on most other flavors, Bluebell is the clear winner. Have you checked out my website? www.coldbacon.com Check it out!

 

Ben and Jerry’s

The ice cream with the gay ass names. People all have their favorite flavors. I welcome anybody’s opinions as to what theirs are and why. But for now, I could care less about this brand.

 

Vosges

Makes some interesting flavors. Wattle seed is a very nice one.

 

Boulder Ice Cream – Super Premium Vanilla

Says “produced with milk from cows not treated with rBGH.” Well maybe they should be. Cuz this ice cream sucks. Horrible consistency (too globby). The flavor may or may not have been okay, but it doesn’t matter. As the great philosopher Carrito once said, “Ice cream should not be like taffy.”

 

Talenti (Gelato)

Beautiful beautiful beautiful, beautiful plastic jar. Bad texture. I won’t bother testing other flavors. Because. Of the bad texture. Whole Foods can carry it all they want, but I ain’t buyin’ it.

 

 

Random Other Products

 

 

Breakfast Puffables

 

Mochi cubes (4.5)  

Real Japanese people have never heard of this (I mean). This is an American twist on their short, sweet brown rice. And it’s delicious. I’ve enjoyed so far the cinnamon raisin version. The keys are 1) make sure you butter or grease the pan because they will stick big time 2) make sure you eat with good butter and sea salt (because otherwise they are bland; but with those accessories, it is sublime). That is all. (www.grainaissance.com)

 

Cured Meats (you can buy at stores)

 

Obviously it’s best to buy important charcouterie from good delis and have it sliced off the bone. But since the reality for most of us is we don’t live near any real gourmet delis, we’re left with what you can get at larger supermarkets. That means vacuum sealed and let’s see if we can find stuff that’s worth the trouble.

 

 

Citterio Prosciutto di Parma (12 oz pack)  

This was as shocking to me as it’s about to be to you, but Citterio has made perhaps the best vacuum-sealed prosciutto I have ever had. It really is good. And they put little paper inserts in between the slices too, which makes it easy to get singlets. Maybe I just got a lucky sample? I will try this again. We can’t all live across the street from a good deli. So this is important.

 

 

Niman Ranch Salami (raised with care) 

Good. Medium flavor. Nothing special. But minimal sinew. Overall, fine, but nothing special really. Just have it on a Triscuit or something. (Crackers that do NOT work with this one include: Wasa light-rye.) (CA)

 

 

Columbus Salame Company (Dry Italian Salame)  

These are, at least the few times I’ve had them, not that bad. Pretty simple, plain, not-spicy, but not totally without flavor. The fact you can buy them in “regular” grocery stores and not just “the ones I can no longer afford” is a plus. (CA) 8/08

 

 

Saucisson Superieur Salami

That dry salami you can get almost everywhere, is okay, until you have it next to some real imported salami, cut fresh. Wow. Then it’s flavor seems quite lacking in intensity. And it also has a lot of unchewable sinew. “Resichew,” which you can’t spit out if people are around. Unless you’re crafty. (Busseto Foods, Fresno, CA)

 

 

Applegate Farms Dry Cured Coppa

A disaster; not very good. Flavor par and way too sinewy. 50% of product inedible (you have to either swallow indigestible mass or discreetly spit out and dispose thereof). (Canada)

 

Naan

 

Fabulous Flats – Authentic Taste of India (4.0)

This Tandoori Naan can be purchased at Whole Foods Market (and probably elsewhere). To my huge surprise, and delight, it’s actually not that bad. Try toasting it. And then eating it. With your mouth. (made in Canada)